I love going out to see movies in theaters - who doesn’t? The only problem (other than skyrocketing ticket prices, gross overpriced food, obscurity of indie features, sticky floors, etc.) is that I cannot have the theater to myself. I am forced to share it with dozens of strangers who often seem hell-bent on making my theater-going experience unpleasant. And yet, some people go above and beyond the call of duty and make it downright miserable. Here is a tribute to the top five people who fall into this prestigious category.
1. Movie: Knocked Up
Offender: The snitch
So I’m at a theater in suburban New York with my boyfriend, and we’re meeting up with his friend there. Once we’re all in line waiting to buy our tickets, I discreetly show the friend the contraband bag of M&Ms I have purchased for the occasion. Suddenly, this guy, who is not even in line but awkwardly off the side, blurts out (in reference to the candy) “I know what you’re gonna do with those!” Um, yeah, eat them. OR BUILD A ROCKET SHIP! No, eat them. I didn’t really know what to say, except maybe that I was proud he had figured out what M&Ms were for? I stared blankly, my boyfriend and his friend equally confused, and then the guy added “What’s to keep me from telling on you?” Note: this guy did NOT work here. I think I said, “Um, karma?” We bought our tickets and went into the theater, but I ran out to use the bathroom right before the movie started. This guy was still in the lobby, with no apparent intention of seeing a movie at any point, and yelled, “There she is! There’s the traitor!” What this man was hoping to achieve through these tactics, I will never know.
2. Movie: V for Vendetta
Offender: Guy who probably thinks he’s going to marry Natalie Portman
My friend Scott and I went to a late-night showing of this opening weekend. It was Saturday night, and the theater was sparsely populated. Before the movie, Scott started eating some chips. A portly fellow sitting directly in front of us, who had clearly crawled out of his mom’s basement and through mountains of ejaculate-soaked pictures of bald Natalie Portman to be here for this occasion, suddenly whipped around and said to Scott, “Do you plan on crunching your food like that for the whole movie?!” Scott, stunned and shocked, whimpered “No.” We agreed later that he should have replied with a triumphant YES!
3. Movie: Borat
Offender: Hyena with epilepsy
Borat is a funny movie. I am aware of this. I knew this going into it, and expected a theater full of merry patrons’ laughter. What I did not expect was the guy I wound up sitting next to. He had a sort of frat-boy look, and enjoyed the movie immensely. The way he expressed this, however, was to erupt into a screeching, bloodcurdling laugh at EVERY JOKE, clap hysterically, rock back and forth like a crazy person, and repeat the hilarious line verbatim. It went something like this:
Borat on screen: High five!
Guy next to me: HIGH FIVE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap seesaw seesaw seesaw*
4. Movie: The Savages
Offender: The phantom puker
I never came face-to-face with whoever this was, which is good for them, because I would have kicked their ass. I saw this film on a weekday night in a pretty empty theater. The actual movie went on without incident. When I went to leave, I noticed two girls staring at the exit with hesitation. When I approached, I realized that the door was soaked in vomit. The strange thing was that the point of impact was the exact middle of the double doors, right where you would push them open. That absolutely had to be pre-mediated, because in a normal upchucking situation, the vomit would just end up on the floor (which isn’t to say that some didn’t get on the floor too). The doors were so evenly covered that these two girls and myself didn’t know how to get out without touching something sticky. Eventually, we devised a system where I kicked the door open on the one dry patch, and we all ran out. I’m not saying that this was a crippling inconvenience to my life, but it was just fucking disgusting.
5. Movie: A History of Violence
Offender: the entire audience
A History of Violence isn’t a comedy, right? I didn’t think so. But this entire audience did. It was like a huge crowd of teenagers had time-traveled here from the 1950s, where they had been watching a sci-fi B-movie at a drive-in and were anxious for it to be over so they could go to Lovers’ Lane. They behaved themselves for the first half, but the second half consisted of hysterical laughter, jeering, cheering, and lewd and rude shouted comments. Included in this ruckus was my then-roommate, as I had just gotten to college and was eager to bond with the person I lived with. Incidentally, this was the first and last time we ever hung out, because she turned out to be a wretched bitch who had already written nasty things about me on her easy-to-locate blog within the first week of school when I had been nothing but nice to her. Ha, sweet revenge! At least I have the class to keep her anonymous.
Who was the worst theater patron you ever had to deal with?
February 27, 2008
Sweater from the dark side
A few weeks ago, I bought this delightful sweater at Old Navy.
A cute little number, don't ya think? Anyway, I've worn it a couple of times since. But yesterday I noticed something very alarming. Lurking in the midst of my lovely sweater was the unmistakable figure of...
DARTH VADER!!!
A cute little number, don't ya think? Anyway, I've worn it a couple of times since. But yesterday I noticed something very alarming. Lurking in the midst of my lovely sweater was the unmistakable figure of...
DARTH VADER!!!
Oddly enough, this stylized Darth Vader does not appear anywhere else on the sweater, just in the one place. I happen to think this is way cooler than the Jesus figure in the toast or the Mother Theresa in the cinnamon bun.
On an unrelated note, I've been getting nice emails and comments from readers saying that I do not write often enough. This is true. But in my defense, I'm a very busy lady who posts as often as time and inspiration will allow. I'm not just sitting here atop a mountain of unpublished posts and cackling maliciously as I build suspense, I promise.
February 25, 2008
5 kids' movies that aren't for kids
Kids' movies can be tricky. Ideally, a good kids' movie is entertaining and enriching for children, and does not incite in parents the urge to gauge out their own eyes. Mostly, though, the average kids' movie is just aimed at kids, who will drag their reluctant parens to the theater and force their wallets open. This does not assure quality, because kids are stupid and have dubious taste (Bratz, anyone?). But in trying to appeal to wider audiences, certain kiddie flicks (like the five below) have missed the mark and gone over the wee heads of their target demographic - often to the benefit of the wider population.
1. The Incredibles
Target audience: young Pixar fans and/or superhero enthusiasts
Actual audience: adults experiencing midlife crises
Even superheroes get the blues. That's the gist of Brad Bird's 2004 film, which also features great effects, splashy colors, great action sequences and excellently quotable lines such as "WHERE IS MY SUPER-SUIT?!" But mostly, it's about midlife crises. The titular Mr. Incredible is stuck in a 9-5 job and a challenging marriage, and is tempted by his old life and a hot villain. And in the first 20 or so minutes, he saves a man falling from a building, only to find out that the man was attempting suicide and was immensely annoyed by the intervention. It's fitting that footage of this flick was edited to audio from American Beauty, in a fun little YouTube diversion that underlines the eerie similarities between the films (check it out here). It's only rated PG, but most of these tricks ain't for kids.
2. The Emperor's New Groove
Target audience: kids who savor the exploits of funny animals and inaccurate Incan history
Actual audience: adults who savor the snarky, sarcastic humor of David Spade
This is a film about an emperor turned llama voiced by David Spade, and David Mamet, according to IMDB, called the script "one of the most brilliantly innovative which Hollywood has produced in recent years." That's right. David "Glengarry Glen Ross," "Fuck you, that's my name!" Mamet. Rightly so, because this film is absolutely hilarious. I had the good fortune of discovering it as a teenager, because I think that as a kid a lot of it would have gone over my head. It's not that the subject matter is complicated, but more that the humor is a sophisticated type that kids don't grasp yet. Little tykes will probably be drawn primarily to the stupid=funny shtick of the villain's sidekick Kronk, but adults will realize that the character is voiced by Patrick Warburton (known primarily as Puddy from "Seinfeld") and find new humor in that. There are a few pop culture references that may be lost on children as well, but for the full enjoyment of the humor, save this one for after puberty.
3. Ratatouille
Target audiences: young fans of cute animals doing outlandish things
Actual audience: viewers for whom the Food Network is porn
First of all, I have to give this movie kudos for having the balls to use a title that even educated adults can't pronounce, much less kids. Obviously, the cute rodent is the hook, but most kids don't give a shit about gourmet French cuisine. If you really wanted to just aim this at kids, it would be about baking cupcakes. Even I had trouble getting into the storyline when it got too foody. This is Brad Bird's work again, and I'm beginning to think he isn't even interested in the kiddie audience. One part that really startled me was when Remy the rat is crawling through a pipe over several apartments and witnesses a different scene in each one, because in one apartment he saw a couple who was fighting with each other and pointing guns in each other's faces. Then a shot is fired, but it doesn't hit anyone, and the pair starts making out. WTF? Another delicate matter with children's movies is that kids will believe a vast majority of what they see on screen. After Finding Nemo's claim that all pipes lead to the ocean, there was an epidemic of children flushing their pet fish down toilets to give them a better life. Ratatouille, through the eyes of a child, may read as propaganda for letting hordes of rats into your kitchen to help you cook. Think I'm exaggerating? There's a bonus feature on the DVD where Remy and his brother talk about how great rats are for 20 minutes, and make excuses for certain ratastrophes like the Plague. What I know, and what kids probably don't, is that while brown rats (Rattus norvegicus) are clean, intelligent, cute, and make good pets, black rats (Rattus rattus) live in sewers, spread disease, and most importantly, are not cute. That should be a disclaimer on the DVD cover, in my humble opinion.
4. Fantasia
Target audience: Mickey Mouse enthusiasts
Actual audience: Film nerds and/or stoners
This film I did actually see as a wee one. I remember liking the Mickey part (of course) and the dancing hippo, but I was pretty baffled/unimpressed by the rest. Because if there's one thing that kids love, it's classical music...except no, not at all. If you really consider the film's concept - animated vignettes set to classical tunes - it just sounds like a trippy laser show or something of that ilk. Even though that format should theoretically cater to kids' short attention spans, the most mindless of tots will still grow bored if there isn't some plot or coherence. I wouldn't be surprised if this gets remade in 3-D, featuring only the songs of Hannah Montana (shudder). Hopefully, the stoners and geeky critics who pontificate about this film's excellence will preserve its legacy from that wretched fate.
5. The Shrek sequels
Target audience: fairy tale fans with a bit of an edge
Actual audience: "Best Week Ever" addicts
The first Shrek was a fun film that appealed to viewers based on its creative retooling of well-worn tales, its voice talents, its pop culture references and its message about being yourself. But producers got blinded by green and cranked out two sequels that displayed a sharp decline in quality and intelligence. While the satire in the original was aimed at topics such as Disneyworld and popular fairy tales, the following two movies become like animated rejects from a VH1 show. In Shrek 2, for example, I'm pretty sure that audiences are supposed to find humor in the fact that Justin Timberlake did one of the voices, and he was dating Cameron Diaz at the time, voice of the princess Fiona. OMG!!! Kids see enough tabloid crap anyway - keep it out of their flicks, will ya, Dreamworks?
HONORABLE MENTIONS
- Beauty and the Beast. Um, this movie is about straight-up bestiality. And it also sends the totally backward message that intelligent, attractive young women should be romantically satisfied with snarling, borderline abusive half-animal men. Great. Not gonna deny that the songs are awesome though.
- Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Look, I don't care what Wonka says - all those kids who met gruesome (albeit creative) fates in the factory are not coming back. They're stone-cold dead. And the scene where all the characters go through the tunnel with distorted images of giant bugs and other such delights is terrifying at any age.
- The Spongebob Squarepants Movie. Patrick in drag and a David Hasselhoff cameo? This movie is exclusively for stoners.
February 4, 2008
Find the right Valentine's Day movie for you!
I am not going to take a stance on Valentine's Day here. Celebration of love? Hallmark holiday? The root of all evil? Sure. All of the above. I can say one thing though - it's a good movie holiday, if for no other reason than you don't typically have familial obligations cluttering the day. But people often get lazy. Hopeless romantics, are you really going to watch Casablanca again? Cynics, haven't you burned a hole in the anti-romantic movie of your choosing? Whether your day is going to be filled with chocolates and roses or sulking, at least do yourself the favor of checking out a different flick that satisfies your V-Day needs.
You: In a new relationship
Your movie: any of the Katharine Hepburn / Spencer Tracy romantic comedies, such as Adam's Rib
Why: So you have a new relationship, and it's going well, but you don't want to freak out your significant other with movies about marriage or passionate love or crazy sex. Tracy and Hepburn have a totally PG but adorable dynamic that resembles what's good about new love - you kid each other constantly, but have a massive crush on the other person.
You: In a long-standing relationship
Your movie: The Big Sleep or To Have and Have Not
Why: Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall created unbelievable sparks on screen that amazingly slipped past the censors. At this stage in the game, your puppy love has (typically) given way to hot, sexy passion, which is no short supply in these Bogie/Bacall pairings. You could even make it a double feature, and treat yourself to a night of classic lines like, "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together...and blow."
You: In a long-distance relationship
Your movie: A Very Long Engagement
Why: Did you like Amelie? Well, this film has the same director, actress, and feel, but takes place around WWI and features Mathilde (Audrey Tatou) searching for her fiancee who allegedly died in the trenches. The script and visuals are great, and the film is a testament to the power of love. Look for the random Jodie Foster cameo!
You: In a rocky relationship
Your movie: Gone With The Wind
Why: For a movie that's supposed to be one of the greatest romances committed to celluloid, has anyone noticed that Rhett and Scarlett just fight the whole time? Their feelings for the one another never quite align correctly, and between slapping and yelling and not giving damns, it's a pretty rough ride for these two. Maybe your relationship will seem a lot healthier after you watch this one.
You: Trying to get the girl
Your movie: City Lights
Why: Charlie Chaplin's little tramp character was as poignant as he was funny, and never more so than in this 1931 classic where he falls for a blind girl and tries to raise money for a vision-restoring operation by posing as a rich man. As Lifetime-y as that sounds, it's Chaplin, so it's also hilarious.
You: Think women suck
Your movie: Gilda or Double Indemnity
Why: What you need now is proof that you're not the only one who has fallen victim to the lures of a woman. The male leads of these flicks (or many other film noirs) get screwed over by dangerous dames that lead to their downfall. See, it could be worse! Your relationship could have ended up with you in jail or something! Feeling better yet? Maybe?
You: Think men suck
Your movie: Sweet Charity or Chicago
Why: Surely you'll be able to sympathize with poor Charity, who keeps getting gratuitously fucked over by guys. But in the end, she holds her head high. Watch it with a friend and cheer for her. Alternately, you can watch Chicago and revel in its philosophy of "men are pigs, shoot them and get away with it."
You: Are into MILFs.
Your movie: The Graduate
Why: Duh. And afterwards you can find yourself a Valentine on Craigslist (shudder).
You: Are alone because you have limited social skills, obsessive-compulsive tendencies and random outbursts.
Your movie: Punch-Drunk Love
Why: Adam Sandler, in a rare serious role, fits the above description in this film, and finds love. If an antisocial Happy Gilmore can get the girl, then there's hope for you.
You: Not sure you believe in this whole "love" thing.
Your movie: Annie Hall
Why: Modern ruminations on this thing called love, covering everything from lying to seem impressive to a compulsion to smoke pot before sex. No one actually says "I love you" in the film - the closest is Allen's character saying "I lurve you." Mercifully devoid of a Hollywood ending, it has a thoroughly fulfilling one nonetheless.
You: think that your gal pals are what matter most.
Your movie: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Why: Yes, technically it's a heterosexual romance, but the female bonding is the prevalent theme. Marilyn's character pretty much admits at the end that she's marrying her beau for his money. And the gals even have a joint wedding. Aw.
You: In an unconvential relationship (or wanting to be in one)
Your movie: Pumpkin
Why: Christina Ricci plays a sorority girl who falls for a mentally challenged guy. Lifetime movie? After-school special? Nope! Brutally satiric dark comedy (with a heart of gold).
You: a hopeless romantic in theory, but things just never work out.
Your movie: The Umbrellas of Cherbourg
Why: A 1964 French musical about love in which every word is sung. Sounds overly saccharine, but it actually gets kind of depressing in showing how time and circumstance can take their toll on romance.
You: your relationship is not allowed to flourish due to the prevailing social mores of your time.
Your movie: In the Mood For Love or Splendor in the Grass
Why: In the former, neighbors in 1960s Shanghai find out that their spouses are having an affair, but despite a growing attraction, feel wrong doing the same. In the latter, Natalie Wood goes literally insane in 1920s rural America because it's not socially acceptable for her to shag her boyfriend, played by Warren Beatty. Hey, if I was in such close proximity to 1960s Warren Beatty all the time and couldn't touch him, I'd go nuts too.
You: in an open relationship, or discussing the option of making your relationship open
Your movie: Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice
Why: ORGIES!!! Seriously. This is a movie with Natalie Wood and Elliot Gould and it's about orgies. It pokes fun at the "free love" movement of the 1960s in examining how those principles could realistically be applied within the framework of a marriage. Did I mention it's about orgies?
You: believe that love is a sick, twisted, and disturbing notion.
Your movie: Audition
Why: This Japanese squirmfest will support your thesis wholeheartedly.Additionally functioning as a commentary on gender roles in modern Japan, the film features a widower who stages an "audition" to find a new wife. The girl he picks seems a little odd, but he is still infatuated with her even when her references start to come up questionable. The jaw-dropping ending gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "love hurts."
You: like your romance a little supernatural
Your movie: Il Mare
Why: Remember the movie Sandra Bullock / Keanu Reeves vehicle The Lake House? Yeah. Don't watch that. Instead, watch the Korean film it was based on, which features lush cinematography, love that transcends time and romantic chemistry that surpasses that of two people trying to stop a speeding bus.
You: hot for teacher
Your movie: Rushmore or Notes on a Scandal
Why: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this situation is not going to work out for you. Either the teacher will ignore your advances, or will succumb to them, resulting in tragic consequences for both of you. But hey, these are both terrific movies on that subject that will possibly dissuade you!
You: torn between two or more suitors
Your movie: The Philadelphia Story
Why: If the triple billing of Katharine Hepburn, Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart doesn't convince you, then the sparkling script and heartwarming message will. Kate learns a few things about herself in the process of choosing between the aforementioned two and yet another fellow. And since the male leads are both pretty famous, there is actual suspense as to which she will choose (not like in The Notebook, where Rachael McAdams was into James Marsden for what, like, four seconds?).
You: girls think of you as a "brother" and then date assholes
Your movie: The Apartment
Why: Jack Lemmon shares your predicament in this classic and refreshingly non-cliche Best Picture winner. Who wouldn't love a man who uses a tennis racket to drain his spaghetti? But will adorable 1960 Shirley MacLaine see the light?
You: into bondage
Your movie: Atame! (Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down!)
Why: Spanish director (and personal favorite) Pedro Almodovar has always tackled love and sex in unique ways. Here, Antonio Banderas is obsessed with a woman and essentially holds her hostage in her own home, but she kind of starts to like being tied up...
You: the only woman you've ever loved is your mother.
Your movie: Psycho
Why: Because it will serve as a cautionary tale for anyone who loves dear old mum a bit too much. Or you can save this for Mother's Day if you want to cause a stir at the annual family brunch
You: the only person you've ever loved is yourself.
Your movie: Citizen Kane
Why: Another cautionary tale. Who wants to die all alone muttering "Rosebud"?
You: believe in love, but acknowledge that it can be extremely bizarre.
Your movie: Crazy Love
Why: This is a documentary about Burt and Linda Pugach, told in their own words. Burt basically stalked Linda for years, eventually throwing acid in her face, which blinded her. After his release from prison, they got married and remain together to this day. Truth is stranger than fiction, folks.
What are your V-Day favorites?
You: In a new relationship
Your movie: any of the Katharine Hepburn / Spencer Tracy romantic comedies, such as Adam's Rib
Why: So you have a new relationship, and it's going well, but you don't want to freak out your significant other with movies about marriage or passionate love or crazy sex. Tracy and Hepburn have a totally PG but adorable dynamic that resembles what's good about new love - you kid each other constantly, but have a massive crush on the other person.
You: In a long-standing relationship
Your movie: The Big Sleep or To Have and Have Not
Why: Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall created unbelievable sparks on screen that amazingly slipped past the censors. At this stage in the game, your puppy love has (typically) given way to hot, sexy passion, which is no short supply in these Bogie/Bacall pairings. You could even make it a double feature, and treat yourself to a night of classic lines like, "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together...and blow."
You: In a long-distance relationship
Your movie: A Very Long Engagement
Why: Did you like Amelie? Well, this film has the same director, actress, and feel, but takes place around WWI and features Mathilde (Audrey Tatou) searching for her fiancee who allegedly died in the trenches. The script and visuals are great, and the film is a testament to the power of love. Look for the random Jodie Foster cameo!
You: In a rocky relationship
Your movie: Gone With The Wind
Why: For a movie that's supposed to be one of the greatest romances committed to celluloid, has anyone noticed that Rhett and Scarlett just fight the whole time? Their feelings for the one another never quite align correctly, and between slapping and yelling and not giving damns, it's a pretty rough ride for these two. Maybe your relationship will seem a lot healthier after you watch this one.
You: Trying to get the girl
Your movie: City Lights
Why: Charlie Chaplin's little tramp character was as poignant as he was funny, and never more so than in this 1931 classic where he falls for a blind girl and tries to raise money for a vision-restoring operation by posing as a rich man. As Lifetime-y as that sounds, it's Chaplin, so it's also hilarious.
You: Think women suck
Your movie: Gilda or Double Indemnity
Why: What you need now is proof that you're not the only one who has fallen victim to the lures of a woman. The male leads of these flicks (or many other film noirs) get screwed over by dangerous dames that lead to their downfall. See, it could be worse! Your relationship could have ended up with you in jail or something! Feeling better yet? Maybe?
You: Think men suck
Your movie: Sweet Charity or Chicago
Why: Surely you'll be able to sympathize with poor Charity, who keeps getting gratuitously fucked over by guys. But in the end, she holds her head high. Watch it with a friend and cheer for her. Alternately, you can watch Chicago and revel in its philosophy of "men are pigs, shoot them and get away with it."
You: Are into MILFs.
Your movie: The Graduate
Why: Duh. And afterwards you can find yourself a Valentine on Craigslist (shudder).
You: Are alone because you have limited social skills, obsessive-compulsive tendencies and random outbursts.
Your movie: Punch-Drunk Love
Why: Adam Sandler, in a rare serious role, fits the above description in this film, and finds love. If an antisocial Happy Gilmore can get the girl, then there's hope for you.
You: Not sure you believe in this whole "love" thing.
Your movie: Annie Hall
Why: Modern ruminations on this thing called love, covering everything from lying to seem impressive to a compulsion to smoke pot before sex. No one actually says "I love you" in the film - the closest is Allen's character saying "I lurve you." Mercifully devoid of a Hollywood ending, it has a thoroughly fulfilling one nonetheless.
You: think that your gal pals are what matter most.
Your movie: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Why: Yes, technically it's a heterosexual romance, but the female bonding is the prevalent theme. Marilyn's character pretty much admits at the end that she's marrying her beau for his money. And the gals even have a joint wedding. Aw.
You: In an unconvential relationship (or wanting to be in one)
Your movie: Pumpkin
Why: Christina Ricci plays a sorority girl who falls for a mentally challenged guy. Lifetime movie? After-school special? Nope! Brutally satiric dark comedy (with a heart of gold).
You: a hopeless romantic in theory, but things just never work out.
Your movie: The Umbrellas of Cherbourg
Why: A 1964 French musical about love in which every word is sung. Sounds overly saccharine, but it actually gets kind of depressing in showing how time and circumstance can take their toll on romance.
You: your relationship is not allowed to flourish due to the prevailing social mores of your time.
Your movie: In the Mood For Love or Splendor in the Grass
Why: In the former, neighbors in 1960s Shanghai find out that their spouses are having an affair, but despite a growing attraction, feel wrong doing the same. In the latter, Natalie Wood goes literally insane in 1920s rural America because it's not socially acceptable for her to shag her boyfriend, played by Warren Beatty. Hey, if I was in such close proximity to 1960s Warren Beatty all the time and couldn't touch him, I'd go nuts too.
You: in an open relationship, or discussing the option of making your relationship open
Your movie: Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice
Why: ORGIES!!! Seriously. This is a movie with Natalie Wood and Elliot Gould and it's about orgies. It pokes fun at the "free love" movement of the 1960s in examining how those principles could realistically be applied within the framework of a marriage. Did I mention it's about orgies?
You: believe that love is a sick, twisted, and disturbing notion.
Your movie: Audition
Why: This Japanese squirmfest will support your thesis wholeheartedly.Additionally functioning as a commentary on gender roles in modern Japan, the film features a widower who stages an "audition" to find a new wife. The girl he picks seems a little odd, but he is still infatuated with her even when her references start to come up questionable. The jaw-dropping ending gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "love hurts."
You: like your romance a little supernatural
Your movie: Il Mare
Why: Remember the movie Sandra Bullock / Keanu Reeves vehicle The Lake House? Yeah. Don't watch that. Instead, watch the Korean film it was based on, which features lush cinematography, love that transcends time and romantic chemistry that surpasses that of two people trying to stop a speeding bus.
You: hot for teacher
Your movie: Rushmore or Notes on a Scandal
Why: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this situation is not going to work out for you. Either the teacher will ignore your advances, or will succumb to them, resulting in tragic consequences for both of you. But hey, these are both terrific movies on that subject that will possibly dissuade you!
You: torn between two or more suitors
Your movie: The Philadelphia Story
Why: If the triple billing of Katharine Hepburn, Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart doesn't convince you, then the sparkling script and heartwarming message will. Kate learns a few things about herself in the process of choosing between the aforementioned two and yet another fellow. And since the male leads are both pretty famous, there is actual suspense as to which she will choose (not like in The Notebook, where Rachael McAdams was into James Marsden for what, like, four seconds?).
You: girls think of you as a "brother" and then date assholes
Your movie: The Apartment
Why: Jack Lemmon shares your predicament in this classic and refreshingly non-cliche Best Picture winner. Who wouldn't love a man who uses a tennis racket to drain his spaghetti? But will adorable 1960 Shirley MacLaine see the light?
You: into bondage
Your movie: Atame! (Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down!)
Why: Spanish director (and personal favorite) Pedro Almodovar has always tackled love and sex in unique ways. Here, Antonio Banderas is obsessed with a woman and essentially holds her hostage in her own home, but she kind of starts to like being tied up...
You: the only woman you've ever loved is your mother.
Your movie: Psycho
Why: Because it will serve as a cautionary tale for anyone who loves dear old mum a bit too much. Or you can save this for Mother's Day if you want to cause a stir at the annual family brunch
You: the only person you've ever loved is yourself.
Your movie: Citizen Kane
Why: Another cautionary tale. Who wants to die all alone muttering "Rosebud"?
You: believe in love, but acknowledge that it can be extremely bizarre.
Your movie: Crazy Love
Why: This is a documentary about Burt and Linda Pugach, told in their own words. Burt basically stalked Linda for years, eventually throwing acid in her face, which blinded her. After his release from prison, they got married and remain together to this day. Truth is stranger than fiction, folks.
What are your V-Day favorites?
February 2, 2008
Requiem for a video store
I work at a video store. Come April, I won't anymore, because it's closing. Therefore, this is the conversation I will have to endure until the end comes:
Customer: OMG, you're CLOOOOSING?
Me: Yes.
Customer: OMG, you guys were like the last in the neighborhood!
Me: Yes.
Customer: OMG, it's cuz of Netflix, right? It's totally Netflix. You are clearly threatened by Netflix. Your demise is courtesy of Netflix. I use Netflix. It was only a matter of time before you succumbed to Netflix
Me: Actually, it's because our manager is a nasty bipolar coke addict with the business sense of an earthworm who singlehandedly destroyed a thriving business.
Customer: Oh. Can I rent Transformers now?
Sad but true. We still have a lot of business, due in no small part to our porn selection, so our impending doom seems incongrous. Which it is. In my opinion, it just boils down to the poor business decisions, notoriously horrendous customer service, and the stark resistance to change and innovation by a single person (the manager), who is the one of the dumbest and meanest people I have ever met. Stores in neighboring cities and regions are doing fine.
But what if it is Netflix? I doubt it, but there's no denying that Netflix and its imitators have changed the landscape of video rental forever. And it has its advantages and benefits. I've been a subscriber - two summers ago, when I lived at home in the suburbs and my only other source of movies was a Blockbuster that had 900 copies of RV and no movie made any earlier than 1989 (and the library, but I quickly exhausted their selection), it was a lifesaver.
Netflix is not the answer for everyone, however. It's not for the casual movie renter, who may end up paying exorbitant prices every month for a couple of movies. It's not for the spontaneous movie renter, because if you want to watch Superbad on a Saturday night, you need to think of that at least a week in advance. It's not for the high-volume movie renter, because Netflix can't maintain that, especially when you figure in turnaround time. It's not for the uneducated renter, who may rely on reading the backs of cases to determine what they want to get. And it's definitely not for the porn renter. Those preceding groups comprise the entirety of our clientele. As smug as they are about Netflix's conquest of America, when we close up shop they're going to be really upset that they can't get a lot of movies/a couple of movies for cheap/descriptions and recommendations/movies on a whim/porn.
This is a great example of the idea that just because you CAN do something, it doesn't mean you SHOULD. Technology moves forward so quickly that there isn't adequate time to think through whether something is the best option. A good example is the "digital readers" that Sony and Amazon are now peddling. You can download hundreds of books onto these little tablet devices and take them with you. Seems cool for a second, until you remember that books are one of the few gloriously low-tech amusements left. Imagine being bored to death on a long plane ride because YOUR BOOK CRASHED. Similarly, congratulations, you don't have to leave the house to get movies anymore, but oh by the way, your viewing habits are severely restrained.
Rest in peace, Place That I Work Which Will Remain Anonymous Because I Called My Manager Bad Names. You will be missed by the employees and community alike.
Customer: OMG, you're CLOOOOSING?
Me: Yes.
Customer: OMG, you guys were like the last in the neighborhood!
Me: Yes.
Customer: OMG, it's cuz of Netflix, right? It's totally Netflix. You are clearly threatened by Netflix. Your demise is courtesy of Netflix. I use Netflix. It was only a matter of time before you succumbed to Netflix
Me: Actually, it's because our manager is a nasty bipolar coke addict with the business sense of an earthworm who singlehandedly destroyed a thriving business.
Customer: Oh. Can I rent Transformers now?
Sad but true. We still have a lot of business, due in no small part to our porn selection, so our impending doom seems incongrous. Which it is. In my opinion, it just boils down to the poor business decisions, notoriously horrendous customer service, and the stark resistance to change and innovation by a single person (the manager), who is the one of the dumbest and meanest people I have ever met. Stores in neighboring cities and regions are doing fine.
But what if it is Netflix? I doubt it, but there's no denying that Netflix and its imitators have changed the landscape of video rental forever. And it has its advantages and benefits. I've been a subscriber - two summers ago, when I lived at home in the suburbs and my only other source of movies was a Blockbuster that had 900 copies of RV and no movie made any earlier than 1989 (and the library, but I quickly exhausted their selection), it was a lifesaver.
Netflix is not the answer for everyone, however. It's not for the casual movie renter, who may end up paying exorbitant prices every month for a couple of movies. It's not for the spontaneous movie renter, because if you want to watch Superbad on a Saturday night, you need to think of that at least a week in advance. It's not for the high-volume movie renter, because Netflix can't maintain that, especially when you figure in turnaround time. It's not for the uneducated renter, who may rely on reading the backs of cases to determine what they want to get. And it's definitely not for the porn renter. Those preceding groups comprise the entirety of our clientele. As smug as they are about Netflix's conquest of America, when we close up shop they're going to be really upset that they can't get a lot of movies/a couple of movies for cheap/descriptions and recommendations/movies on a whim/porn.
This is a great example of the idea that just because you CAN do something, it doesn't mean you SHOULD. Technology moves forward so quickly that there isn't adequate time to think through whether something is the best option. A good example is the "digital readers" that Sony and Amazon are now peddling. You can download hundreds of books onto these little tablet devices and take them with you. Seems cool for a second, until you remember that books are one of the few gloriously low-tech amusements left. Imagine being bored to death on a long plane ride because YOUR BOOK CRASHED. Similarly, congratulations, you don't have to leave the house to get movies anymore, but oh by the way, your viewing habits are severely restrained.
Rest in peace, Place That I Work Which Will Remain Anonymous Because I Called My Manager Bad Names. You will be missed by the employees and community alike.
January 14, 2008
My Golden Globe prediction strategies - and how successful they were
In the days or even weeks leading up to a major awards show, I usually have my assuredly chosen predictions in place. Friends will ask me how I can be so sure, and the answer is simple: both the Academy and the Hollywood Foreign Press Assocation exhibit some very predictable patterns. The Golden Globes, which aired Sunday night in a speedy half-hour press conference due to the writers' strike, copy a lot of their award patterns from the Oscars, but have some distinct ones as well. My friend and I have made a tradition of betting a quarter on each category at these awards shows, and I am proud to report that this year I walked away with a stellar 75 cents (meaning I got three more right than he did). Here's how my theories panned out - take note of the good ones if you want to get quality laundry money from your friends come Oscar time!
Category: Best picture, musical or comedy
Theory: The We Heart Musicals theory.
The Hollywood Foreign Press Association LOOOOVES musicals, and will give awards to them even if they aren't Best Picture contenders at the Oscars. This year, the category actually had more musicals than comedies (Sweeney Todd, Hairspray, and Across the Universe). I went with Sweeney Todd.
See also: Dreamgirls and Walk the Line winning
Successful? Yes! Tim Burton's macabre musical took home the gold.
Category: Best supporting actress in a motion picture musical or comedy
Theory: The Beautiful Actress Turned Ugly theory.
I would have applied this theory to the leading actress categories as well, but none of those nominees this year got substantially ugly enough for consideration. In the supporting category, Amy Ryan looked a bit worn-down in Gone, Baby, Gone and Julia Roberts sported a ludicrous hairdo for Charlie Wilson's War, but Cate Blanchett morphing into Bob Dylan for I'm Not There takes the cake for ugly transformations.
See also: Felicity Huffman winning for Transamerica, Helen Mirren winning for The Queen, Charlize Theron winning for Monster
Successful? Yes! Blanchett won.
Category: Best screenplay
Theory: The Reformed Sinner/Difficult Life theory.
Everyone is buzzing about Diablo Cody's debut screenplay, Juno, not only for its wit and charm, but for the fact that Cody used to be a stripper. Good heavens! What a success story! For this reason alone, I penciled her in for the win. Like Richard Gere says in Chicago, "There is one thing they can never resist, and that is a reformed sinner."
See also: "American Idol" loser Jennifer Hudson winning a Globe for Dreamgirls without previous acting experience (note: she is not a sinner - this is a different kind of rags-to-riches)
Successful? No. The Coen brothers won for the No Country for Old Men screenplay. I remain optimistic about this theory for the Oscars, however, because they separate the screenplay categories into original and adapted, and from what I hear the No Country screenplay is pretty much lifted verbatim from the novel.
Category: Best original song
Theory: The Aging Rocker Pity theory.
Come on, is anyone going to pay attention to Eddie Vedder ever again, besides the Golden Globes? They love making charity cases out of old rockers.
See also: Mick Jagger winning for the song "Old Habits Die Hard," from Alfie.
Successful? Yes! Vedder won for his song "Guaranteed," from Into the Wild.
Category: Best actress in a motion picture, musical or comedy
Theory: The Completely Left Field, Lighthearted Performance That Will Never Win an Oscar (Or Even Get Nominated) theory.
Sometimes I feel as if the Globes were like a version of the Oscars that got dropped on its head as a child. In the acting categories especially, there seems to be a tendency to veer off course and pick a winner that might even seem like a joke. For me, Amy Adams in Enchanted was that random-ass pick.
See also: Eddie Murphy winning for Dreamgirls.
Successful? No. Marion Cotillard won for La Vie En Rose. Oh well.
Category: Best foreign-language film
Theory: The Social Suffering theory.
This one is often the same at the Oscars - the award goes to whatever film features people of a foreign country experiencing the most dire sociopolitical suffering. I acknowledge that full-body paralysis (sans one eye) of the protagonist in The Diving Bell and the Butterfly sucks pretty hard, but it has nothing to do with the political climate. Even though the folks in The Kite Runner seem like they had a rough time, that film is in English, which is fucking ridiculous, so my pick was Persepolis. Women's issues in Iran - how very topical!
See also: Letters from Iwo Jima, No Man's Land, and Osama winning. I don't want to list all the nominees from those years here, but if you compare and contrast you'll agree that those films feature the most sociopolitical suffering of the crop.
Successful? No. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly won. I think I may have to change my theory for this category to films about paralysis, considering the win of the paralyzed-Javier-Bardem movie The Sea Inside in 2004.
Category: several of the TV categories
Theory: The TV ADD theory.
The HFPA seems to have an exceptionally short attention span. While the Emmys show no hesitation in giving the same awards to The Sopranos for about seven years in a row, the Golden Globes consistently go to the newest shows, and whoever stars in them.
See also: Last year, actress and comedy show awards went to newbie Ugly Betty. Desperate Housewives swept the ceremony in the year of its debut. Mary-Louise Parker won for Weeds in its first season. Lost won in its debut season, and hasn't won again since. Shall I go on?
Successful? Yes and no. The theory worked for newcomers Mad Men, Jon Hamm of Mad Men, Glenn Close of Damages and David Duchovny of Californication. Other awards went to the pre-established Extras, Tina Fey of 30 Rock, and Jeremy Piven of Entourage. This seemed like an unusual year for TV ADD, but I'm sticking with this theory.
Do you have any theories that seem to work?
Category: Best picture, musical or comedy
Theory: The We Heart Musicals theory.
The Hollywood Foreign Press Association LOOOOVES musicals, and will give awards to them even if they aren't Best Picture contenders at the Oscars. This year, the category actually had more musicals than comedies (Sweeney Todd, Hairspray, and Across the Universe). I went with Sweeney Todd.
See also: Dreamgirls and Walk the Line winning
Successful? Yes! Tim Burton's macabre musical took home the gold.
Category: Best supporting actress in a motion picture musical or comedy
Theory: The Beautiful Actress Turned Ugly theory.
I would have applied this theory to the leading actress categories as well, but none of those nominees this year got substantially ugly enough for consideration. In the supporting category, Amy Ryan looked a bit worn-down in Gone, Baby, Gone and Julia Roberts sported a ludicrous hairdo for Charlie Wilson's War, but Cate Blanchett morphing into Bob Dylan for I'm Not There takes the cake for ugly transformations.
See also: Felicity Huffman winning for Transamerica, Helen Mirren winning for The Queen, Charlize Theron winning for Monster
Successful? Yes! Blanchett won.
Category: Best screenplay
Theory: The Reformed Sinner/Difficult Life theory.
Everyone is buzzing about Diablo Cody's debut screenplay, Juno, not only for its wit and charm, but for the fact that Cody used to be a stripper. Good heavens! What a success story! For this reason alone, I penciled her in for the win. Like Richard Gere says in Chicago, "There is one thing they can never resist, and that is a reformed sinner."
See also: "American Idol" loser Jennifer Hudson winning a Globe for Dreamgirls without previous acting experience (note: she is not a sinner - this is a different kind of rags-to-riches)
Successful? No. The Coen brothers won for the No Country for Old Men screenplay. I remain optimistic about this theory for the Oscars, however, because they separate the screenplay categories into original and adapted, and from what I hear the No Country screenplay is pretty much lifted verbatim from the novel.
Category: Best original song
Theory: The Aging Rocker Pity theory.
Come on, is anyone going to pay attention to Eddie Vedder ever again, besides the Golden Globes? They love making charity cases out of old rockers.
See also: Mick Jagger winning for the song "Old Habits Die Hard," from Alfie.
Successful? Yes! Vedder won for his song "Guaranteed," from Into the Wild.
Category: Best actress in a motion picture, musical or comedy
Theory: The Completely Left Field, Lighthearted Performance That Will Never Win an Oscar (Or Even Get Nominated) theory.
Sometimes I feel as if the Globes were like a version of the Oscars that got dropped on its head as a child. In the acting categories especially, there seems to be a tendency to veer off course and pick a winner that might even seem like a joke. For me, Amy Adams in Enchanted was that random-ass pick.
See also: Eddie Murphy winning for Dreamgirls.
Successful? No. Marion Cotillard won for La Vie En Rose. Oh well.
Category: Best foreign-language film
Theory: The Social Suffering theory.
This one is often the same at the Oscars - the award goes to whatever film features people of a foreign country experiencing the most dire sociopolitical suffering. I acknowledge that full-body paralysis (sans one eye) of the protagonist in The Diving Bell and the Butterfly sucks pretty hard, but it has nothing to do with the political climate. Even though the folks in The Kite Runner seem like they had a rough time, that film is in English, which is fucking ridiculous, so my pick was Persepolis. Women's issues in Iran - how very topical!
See also: Letters from Iwo Jima, No Man's Land, and Osama winning. I don't want to list all the nominees from those years here, but if you compare and contrast you'll agree that those films feature the most sociopolitical suffering of the crop.
Successful? No. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly won. I think I may have to change my theory for this category to films about paralysis, considering the win of the paralyzed-Javier-Bardem movie The Sea Inside in 2004.
Category: several of the TV categories
Theory: The TV ADD theory.
The HFPA seems to have an exceptionally short attention span. While the Emmys show no hesitation in giving the same awards to The Sopranos for about seven years in a row, the Golden Globes consistently go to the newest shows, and whoever stars in them.
See also: Last year, actress and comedy show awards went to newbie Ugly Betty. Desperate Housewives swept the ceremony in the year of its debut. Mary-Louise Parker won for Weeds in its first season. Lost won in its debut season, and hasn't won again since. Shall I go on?
Successful? Yes and no. The theory worked for newcomers Mad Men, Jon Hamm of Mad Men, Glenn Close of Damages and David Duchovny of Californication. Other awards went to the pre-established Extras, Tina Fey of 30 Rock, and Jeremy Piven of Entourage. This seemed like an unusual year for TV ADD, but I'm sticking with this theory.
Do you have any theories that seem to work?
January 1, 2008
The most obsessive and ridiculous post I will ever write
I have a peculiar habit of stressing or obsessing about completely inconsequential matters - things like whether or not Jesus had acne. Often, due to my interest in film, this habit extends to the wide world of cinema. Just the other day I grew terribly concerned that in Beauty and the Beast (either version), Belle and the Beast had premarital sex , which is undeniably bestiality, and yet is the subject of a children's movie! (The Disney version, anyway). After I watched Jurassic Park recently, I was consumed by the central paradox: if this guy Hammond is brilliant enough to resurrect dinosaurs, wouldn't he also be brilliant enough to know that no man-made structure could tame and contain a T-Rex? And furthermore, if he's so smart, wouldn't he also know that an island of just plant-eating dinosaurs would still be a scientific miracle, make him billions and cement his place in history without anyone getting eaten? Alas. But there's one plot hole of sorts that I haven't been able to shake for years. Something way less catastrophic and/or disturbing than the previous examples, ultimately inconsequential, and probably present in dozens of other films. And yet I can't stop thinking about it.
I refer to the 2003 film The Recruit, with Al Pacino and Colin Farrell. Haven't heard of it? Don't worry, it is overwhelmingly insignificant. I watched it passively on DVD with my dad, an action movie hound who spent my childhood trying to get me amped about movies like this (unsuccessfully). Anyway, the film features Farrell training to be a CIA agent, with Pacino as his shady mentor and Bridget Moynahan as his love interest. I barely remember anything about the film, except the following.
So Colin and Bridget are in a parking garage, heading to his car to go home after a long day at the office or whatever. They can't control their passion and start making out in the garage. Then it cuts to them making out on Colin's bed at home. That sequence probably seems fine to you - a natural cinematic progression. But all I could think about then - and now - is HOW SEXUALLY TENSE AND AWKWARD OF A CAR RIDE THAT MUST HAVE BEEN.
In 2003, when the film was released, the average American commute to work lasted 24.3 minutes, according to a press release from the U.S. Census. So let's say Colin has to drive for that long to get to Casa de Farrell. He clearly just started something serious with his lady friend in the garage - I should specify that this wasn't a delicate peck type of kiss, it was more of a "fuck me now." But they kinda have to keep a low profile, what with it being the CIA and all, so bumping uglies in the car would be a bad idea. So they have to get in the car, buckle their seatbelts, and keep their hands to themselves for 25 minutes. That sucks! I can't get over this. Here's what I believe would have transpired during that car ride.
Bridget: (panting, feeling the luck of the Irish) How close is your place to here?
Colin: 24.3 minutes.
Bridget: Aw, seriously? But baby, I want you NOW!
Colin: Me too, baby, but I can't blow my cover. I'll drive as fast as I can.
Bridget: Alright, hurry.
(Bridget grabs Colin's crotch, Colin lurches forward)
Colin: What the hell are you doing? I can't drive when you do that. You'll get us both killed.
Bridget: You're in the CIA, I thought you liked danger.
Colin: There's danger, and there's getting your balls crushed by the steering wheel!
Bridget: Baby, I'm sorry.
Colin: It's okay. Hey look, it's a red light!
(He leans over and they make out. The light changes to green but they don't notice. Someone behind them starts honking.)
Colin: Hey, fuck you! (starts driving again)
Bridget: Sooo...are we almost there?
Colin: We have 21.8 minutes to go.
Bridget: (sighs) Oh. Um...
(awkward silence)
Bridget: If you could be any kind of tree, what kind would you be?
And so it's awkward for those remaining minutes, when the two realize that short of attempting the ever-hazardous "road head" maneuver, they must remain celibate until they arrive at their destination. I wonder if filmmakers ever worry that their carelessly constructed plots will make people like me ruminate on them for years. Probably not. Then again, good ol Roger Donaldson (the director of The Recruit) would probably just be glad to know that someone thought about his movie that much in any capacity.
I refer to the 2003 film The Recruit, with Al Pacino and Colin Farrell. Haven't heard of it? Don't worry, it is overwhelmingly insignificant. I watched it passively on DVD with my dad, an action movie hound who spent my childhood trying to get me amped about movies like this (unsuccessfully). Anyway, the film features Farrell training to be a CIA agent, with Pacino as his shady mentor and Bridget Moynahan as his love interest. I barely remember anything about the film, except the following.
So Colin and Bridget are in a parking garage, heading to his car to go home after a long day at the office or whatever. They can't control their passion and start making out in the garage. Then it cuts to them making out on Colin's bed at home. That sequence probably seems fine to you - a natural cinematic progression. But all I could think about then - and now - is HOW SEXUALLY TENSE AND AWKWARD OF A CAR RIDE THAT MUST HAVE BEEN.
In 2003, when the film was released, the average American commute to work lasted 24.3 minutes, according to a press release from the U.S. Census. So let's say Colin has to drive for that long to get to Casa de Farrell. He clearly just started something serious with his lady friend in the garage - I should specify that this wasn't a delicate peck type of kiss, it was more of a "fuck me now." But they kinda have to keep a low profile, what with it being the CIA and all, so bumping uglies in the car would be a bad idea. So they have to get in the car, buckle their seatbelts, and keep their hands to themselves for 25 minutes. That sucks! I can't get over this. Here's what I believe would have transpired during that car ride.
Bridget: (panting, feeling the luck of the Irish) How close is your place to here?
Colin: 24.3 minutes.
Bridget: Aw, seriously? But baby, I want you NOW!
Colin: Me too, baby, but I can't blow my cover. I'll drive as fast as I can.
Bridget: Alright, hurry.
(Bridget grabs Colin's crotch, Colin lurches forward)
Colin: What the hell are you doing? I can't drive when you do that. You'll get us both killed.
Bridget: You're in the CIA, I thought you liked danger.
Colin: There's danger, and there's getting your balls crushed by the steering wheel!
Bridget: Baby, I'm sorry.
Colin: It's okay. Hey look, it's a red light!
(He leans over and they make out. The light changes to green but they don't notice. Someone behind them starts honking.)
Colin: Hey, fuck you! (starts driving again)
Bridget: Sooo...are we almost there?
Colin: We have 21.8 minutes to go.
Bridget: (sighs) Oh. Um...
(awkward silence)
Bridget: If you could be any kind of tree, what kind would you be?
And so it's awkward for those remaining minutes, when the two realize that short of attempting the ever-hazardous "road head" maneuver, they must remain celibate until they arrive at their destination. I wonder if filmmakers ever worry that their carelessly constructed plots will make people like me ruminate on them for years. Probably not. Then again, good ol Roger Donaldson (the director of The Recruit) would probably just be glad to know that someone thought about his movie that much in any capacity.
December 30, 2007
Honoring the year's funniest in film
Everyone knows that the Oscars have always been a terribly serious affair. The last real comedy that won Best Picture was Annie Hall in 1977, and before that there were only a handful of others throughout the ceremony's history. (I am not counting Shakespeare in Love, because that's more of a "wave fans and giggle" period comedy, which are never actually funny.) This year was a great one for comedy, boasting everything from the crass chuckles of Knocked Up to the quirkfest that is Juno. Sadly, these comedic achievements will probably go largely unrecognized during awards season, despite often unanimous critical acclaim. Hot Fuzz has the same Rotten Tomatoes rating as Sweeney Todd, The Simpsons Movie has the same rating as There Will Be Blood, and Superbad has a slightly higher rating than Atonement - the latter example in each pairing being the Oscar bait (check out http://www.rottentomatoes.com/ if you want to do your own sleuthing). So, until the Academy wakes up, I will make it my duty to honor the movies and people that brought the funny this year.
BEST FUNNY PERFORMANCE, FEMALE: Ellen Page as Juno MacGuff in Juno
Is there any contest here? It's sad that funny female performances seem so rare (or good female performances period). I can die happy the day a female Superbad comes out, because I know girls who talk and act like that (I'm one of them!). That being said, I'm not trying to downplay Page's excellent work in this film. She's kind of like a typical best friend - but with substantially better one-liners.
RUNNER-UP: Keri Russell as Jenna Hunterson in Waitress
A different kind of funny in a movie you can watch with your mom. Jenna's sweet and Southern, but also spunky enough to refuse her obstetrician's offer for a coffee date with, "I can't have coffee, it's on the bad food list you gave me. What kind of doctor are you?" She also names homemade pies after how much she hates her husband, which is amazing.
FUNNIEST PERFORMANCE, MALE: Jonah Hill in Superbad (and Knocked Up)
Is it fair to include someone with two movies? Maybe not, but the fact remains that Jonah Hill is one funny bastard. His vulgar and profane tirades and comments in Superbad are nothing short of hysterical, and he proved to be a repeat scene stealer in Knocked Up. The best part is, you can tell that he's improvising most of what he says, and that he's just a funny person in real life. (Note to Jonah fans: check out the bonus features on the Knocked Up DVD to see his character complaining about the lack of man-on-man action in Brokeback Mountain.)
RUNNER-UP: John C. Reilly in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (and Year of the Dog, briefly)
The funniest thing about Reilly's role in Walk Hard is that he actually plays it completely straight. While the other cast members are clearly just goofing around (see the "Beatles" cameo below), Reilly almost makes you believe that Dewey Cox is real. Having said that, he perfectly embodies a parodied version of several decades in American music, ranging from a mumbly and Dylan-esque Cox to a LSD-fueled Cox who needs indigenous chanting in all his songs. He's also great in Year of the Dog, as Molly Shannon's hunting-obsessed neighbor.
BEST RUNNING JOKE IN A MOVIE: Beard mockery in Knocked Up
Who knew something so simple could produce so many laughs? Ben (Seth Rogen) and his roommates spend the entire film teasing pal Martin (Martin Starr) about his beard, trying to persuade him to shave it so that he will lose a bet. The insults include, but are not limited to "Robin Williams' knuckles," "Martin Scorsese on coke," "Matisyahu" and of course, a vagina. There's even a deleted scene on the DVD where Jonah (Jonah Hill) just torments Martin for a solid three minutes about the beard.
RUNNER-UP: The sink gag in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
Remember in Walk the Line, where Johnny Cash (Joaquin Phoenix) tears a sink off a wall out of rage and despair? Well, Dewey Cox does that EVERY time he's upset, culminating in ripping off all the sinks in a public restroom.
BEST MOMENT OF UNINTENTIONAL HILARITY: "Bad" Spider-Man in Spider-Man 3
I remember the uncomfortable wave of laughter that swept across the audience when I saw Spider-Man 3. Peter Parker gets possessed by the evil goo from space, which causes him to do such evil things as get an emo haircut, give suggestive looks to women, and...dance? Was this supposed to be funny? I don't know.
RUNNER-UP: Everything Billy Mitchell says or does in The King of Kong
Billy Mitchell would seem like the world's most poorly written character if he wasn't a real guy. His mannerisms and delusions of grandeur in this ridiculously entertaining documentary make you wonder how people like that exist functionally in this world.
BEST COMEDIC DUO: Michael Cera and Jonah Hill in Superbad
These two are like funnier versions of every adolescent male I know. Just when you thought the funny fat guy and skinny straight man pairing was getting old, Cera and Hill give it a fresh and raunchy spin.
RUNNER-UP: Simon Pegg and Nick Frost in Hot Fuzz
Pegg's overachieving and devoted cop Nicholas Angel and Frost's slacker slob Danny are - hey, it's a fat and skinny guy again!
FUNNIEST CAMEO: Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Jason Schwartzmann and Justin Long as Paul, John, Ringo and George (respectively) in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
One of the main reasons I wanted to see this movie in the first place was from the oh-so-brief clip of this Beatles cameo in the trailer, and it was even funnier in context. The four guys all play their own Beatle with a fair degree of accuracy, but at the same time act utterly absurd.
RUNNER-UP: Sacha Baron Cohen as Pirelli in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
I guess this isn't technically a cameo, since he's billed fifth. But then again, he's in and out of the story pretty quickly. His role would be hilarious even if he didn't open his mouth, because his hair and outfit are sublimely ridiculous. The icing on the cake, however, is his outrageous singing voice and demeanor. Plus, in the back of your head, you're definitely saying, "OMG it's Borat!"
THE WES ANDERSON AWARD: Mike White, for writing and directing Year of the Dog
No offense, Wes, but I think it was all downhill after Rushmore. The person I believe most fit to carry on your legacy at this point is Mike White, creator of Year of the Dog. The film was saturated with your influence - right down to squarely framed shots of random objects - but had actual emotion instead of just hipster music. And doggies!
RUNNER-UP: Jason Reitman for directing Juno
Juno doesn't have a whole lot in common with the typical Anderson output, save one thing: the music. The soundtrack kicks in at unorthodox moments and features a slew of fresh, quirky artists and songs that define the tone of certain scenes.
FUNNIEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR: Superbad
I didn't say best movie, or best-written, or most likely to change your life. I said funniest. Sheer volume of laughter. And that title, my friends, goes to Superbad. Finally, a film that acknowledges how funny teenage boys can naturally be. No stupid subplots, no contrived love stories, no moralizing. Just hilarious, rowdy, clever, and even a little touching comedy. All written by a pair of 14-year-old boys (a young Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg). If that isn't a smack in the face to all other comedies, I don't know what is.
RUNNER-UP: Hot Fuzz
More people need to acknowledge the genius that lies in the triumvirate of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright. Together they do great things, such as the top-notch British cop spoof Hot Fuzz. Their brand of comedy is hard to classify - it's British but accessible, lowbrow but smart, gruesome but funny, honoring but parodying. It's like nothing else. And accents make everything funnier.
I acknowledge that this list is incomplete, because I have not yet seen four films I believe would have a place on here: The Savages, Ratatouille, The Simpsons Movie, and Lars and the Real Girl. What do you think? What are your picks for the funniest of 2007?
BEST FUNNY PERFORMANCE, FEMALE: Ellen Page as Juno MacGuff in Juno
Is there any contest here? It's sad that funny female performances seem so rare (or good female performances period). I can die happy the day a female Superbad comes out, because I know girls who talk and act like that (I'm one of them!). That being said, I'm not trying to downplay Page's excellent work in this film. She's kind of like a typical best friend - but with substantially better one-liners.
RUNNER-UP: Keri Russell as Jenna Hunterson in Waitress
A different kind of funny in a movie you can watch with your mom. Jenna's sweet and Southern, but also spunky enough to refuse her obstetrician's offer for a coffee date with, "I can't have coffee, it's on the bad food list you gave me. What kind of doctor are you?" She also names homemade pies after how much she hates her husband, which is amazing.
FUNNIEST PERFORMANCE, MALE: Jonah Hill in Superbad (and Knocked Up)
Is it fair to include someone with two movies? Maybe not, but the fact remains that Jonah Hill is one funny bastard. His vulgar and profane tirades and comments in Superbad are nothing short of hysterical, and he proved to be a repeat scene stealer in Knocked Up. The best part is, you can tell that he's improvising most of what he says, and that he's just a funny person in real life. (Note to Jonah fans: check out the bonus features on the Knocked Up DVD to see his character complaining about the lack of man-on-man action in Brokeback Mountain.)
RUNNER-UP: John C. Reilly in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (and Year of the Dog, briefly)
The funniest thing about Reilly's role in Walk Hard is that he actually plays it completely straight. While the other cast members are clearly just goofing around (see the "Beatles" cameo below), Reilly almost makes you believe that Dewey Cox is real. Having said that, he perfectly embodies a parodied version of several decades in American music, ranging from a mumbly and Dylan-esque Cox to a LSD-fueled Cox who needs indigenous chanting in all his songs. He's also great in Year of the Dog, as Molly Shannon's hunting-obsessed neighbor.
BEST RUNNING JOKE IN A MOVIE: Beard mockery in Knocked Up
Who knew something so simple could produce so many laughs? Ben (Seth Rogen) and his roommates spend the entire film teasing pal Martin (Martin Starr) about his beard, trying to persuade him to shave it so that he will lose a bet. The insults include, but are not limited to "Robin Williams' knuckles," "Martin Scorsese on coke," "Matisyahu" and of course, a vagina. There's even a deleted scene on the DVD where Jonah (Jonah Hill) just torments Martin for a solid three minutes about the beard.
RUNNER-UP: The sink gag in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
Remember in Walk the Line, where Johnny Cash (Joaquin Phoenix) tears a sink off a wall out of rage and despair? Well, Dewey Cox does that EVERY time he's upset, culminating in ripping off all the sinks in a public restroom.
BEST MOMENT OF UNINTENTIONAL HILARITY: "Bad" Spider-Man in Spider-Man 3
I remember the uncomfortable wave of laughter that swept across the audience when I saw Spider-Man 3. Peter Parker gets possessed by the evil goo from space, which causes him to do such evil things as get an emo haircut, give suggestive looks to women, and...dance? Was this supposed to be funny? I don't know.
RUNNER-UP: Everything Billy Mitchell says or does in The King of Kong
Billy Mitchell would seem like the world's most poorly written character if he wasn't a real guy. His mannerisms and delusions of grandeur in this ridiculously entertaining documentary make you wonder how people like that exist functionally in this world.
BEST COMEDIC DUO: Michael Cera and Jonah Hill in Superbad
These two are like funnier versions of every adolescent male I know. Just when you thought the funny fat guy and skinny straight man pairing was getting old, Cera and Hill give it a fresh and raunchy spin.
RUNNER-UP: Simon Pegg and Nick Frost in Hot Fuzz
Pegg's overachieving and devoted cop Nicholas Angel and Frost's slacker slob Danny are - hey, it's a fat and skinny guy again!
FUNNIEST CAMEO: Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Jason Schwartzmann and Justin Long as Paul, John, Ringo and George (respectively) in Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
One of the main reasons I wanted to see this movie in the first place was from the oh-so-brief clip of this Beatles cameo in the trailer, and it was even funnier in context. The four guys all play their own Beatle with a fair degree of accuracy, but at the same time act utterly absurd.
RUNNER-UP: Sacha Baron Cohen as Pirelli in Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
I guess this isn't technically a cameo, since he's billed fifth. But then again, he's in and out of the story pretty quickly. His role would be hilarious even if he didn't open his mouth, because his hair and outfit are sublimely ridiculous. The icing on the cake, however, is his outrageous singing voice and demeanor. Plus, in the back of your head, you're definitely saying, "OMG it's Borat!"
THE WES ANDERSON AWARD: Mike White, for writing and directing Year of the Dog
No offense, Wes, but I think it was all downhill after Rushmore. The person I believe most fit to carry on your legacy at this point is Mike White, creator of Year of the Dog. The film was saturated with your influence - right down to squarely framed shots of random objects - but had actual emotion instead of just hipster music. And doggies!
RUNNER-UP: Jason Reitman for directing Juno
Juno doesn't have a whole lot in common with the typical Anderson output, save one thing: the music. The soundtrack kicks in at unorthodox moments and features a slew of fresh, quirky artists and songs that define the tone of certain scenes.
FUNNIEST MOVIE OF THE YEAR: Superbad
I didn't say best movie, or best-written, or most likely to change your life. I said funniest. Sheer volume of laughter. And that title, my friends, goes to Superbad. Finally, a film that acknowledges how funny teenage boys can naturally be. No stupid subplots, no contrived love stories, no moralizing. Just hilarious, rowdy, clever, and even a little touching comedy. All written by a pair of 14-year-old boys (a young Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg). If that isn't a smack in the face to all other comedies, I don't know what is.
RUNNER-UP: Hot Fuzz
More people need to acknowledge the genius that lies in the triumvirate of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright. Together they do great things, such as the top-notch British cop spoof Hot Fuzz. Their brand of comedy is hard to classify - it's British but accessible, lowbrow but smart, gruesome but funny, honoring but parodying. It's like nothing else. And accents make everything funnier.
I acknowledge that this list is incomplete, because I have not yet seen four films I believe would have a place on here: The Savages, Ratatouille, The Simpsons Movie, and Lars and the Real Girl. What do you think? What are your picks for the funniest of 2007?
December 16, 2007
Shameless self-promotion
Okay, so you guys like movies, right? That is SO convenient, because I just made one! It's a project for class that gave me increasing amounts of gray hair all semester, but I think it turned it pretty darn good. So check it OUT! If that didn't sell ya, this will: it's about Waldo. Yeah, that Waldo.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4fOHrpWvhrY
Enjoy!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4fOHrpWvhrY
Enjoy!
December 14, 2007
Actual ridiculous things customers have said at work
I'm reposting this classic from Facebook, and adding some new stuff.
I work in a video store and customers blurt out all sorts of gems that I just could not keep to myself. Here's all the wacky customer questions, comments, and concerns that I could remember. They are as close to verbatim as possible. Also, all of these people had memberships already and thus had rented before.
Woman: Do you have "Mr. and Mrs. Will Smith"?
Me: Um...I think you mean "Mr. and Mrs. Smith".
Woman: No, I'm positive it was "Mr. and Mrs. Will Smith".
- Do all movies in theaters come to DVD?
- Do you have the movie "Rocky Mountain Horror Show"? (They meant "Rocky Horror Picture Show")
- Woman (holding a 1-day rental): Is there any way you could make this, like, more than a 1-day?
Me: Like what?
Woman: Like...maybe...a five-day rental?
- What does "One Day Only" mean?
- Woman on phone: Do you have "An Inconvenient Truth" for the VCR?
Me: You mean VHS? No. They don't make VHS anymore
Woman on phone: That's capitalism for ya!
- Me: You have some late fees, you returned this four days late.
Response of many people: No I didn't, it's a five day rental, so it's actually a day early.
Me: No, you had it five days and then four days more. Five and four is nine. Nine days.
Many people: Oh. Yeah. I guess so.
- Man: Ugh, I can't find anything I want in here. I've seen all the movies in here.
Me: We have thousands of movies! Seriously?
Man: Yeah, probably like 20 percent of them.
- Man (after being charged a $4 late fee) You know what? This is ridiculous. That's it. I've had it. I'm switching to Netflix. I'm not coming back. Cancel my membership.
Me: We can't cancel memberships, they just expire after a while, and cancelling implies that you're paying for the membership, which you're not.
Man: CANCEL MY MEMBERSHIP!!
- Old Lady: Where would I find "Hustle and Flow"?
Me: Excuse me?
Old Lady: Oh right, I mean "Kung Fu Hustle."
- Man: Do you have "Women and Children?" (He meant Children of Men)
- Man: Do you have "Badass?" (He meant Superbad)
- Some of our frequent porn renters don't even bother going downstairs to look at the titles like everyone else. They just strut up to the counter and go "Show me the latest." One fellow did this and sifted through the pile. He slammed them all down, heaved a sigh, and told my coworker, "You're outta gas, kid."
- Old lady: Do you have that new movie that was well reviewed in the New York Times...what was it...oh yes. Babe!
Me: (I know they meant Babel, but just to fuck with them a little, I said this) Oh! Pig in the city?
- Man: Do you have videos of older women having sex with 13 and 14-year-old boys?
My coworker: (stunned) Um, no. That's illegal.
Man: No, I mean very loving and tastefully done and consensual.
My coworker: Um, no. That's illegal.
Man: Because I know some people, I mean, I know them now, but when they were younger, they were involved in these relationships and it was very loving and beneficial.
My coworker: Um, okay.
-Woman on phone, day before Halloween: (this is the first thing she said, no greeting or anything) The woman in 101 Dalmations. Glenn Close. What's her name?
Me: Uh, Cruella de Vil?
Woman on phone: Yes. Cru...Cruella, am I saying that right?
Me: Yes. Do you want to rent the movie?
Woman on phone: Is she the one with the headpiece?
Me: Well, she did have a big fur hat.
Woman on phone: The headpiece with the asp. [I'm pretty sure that's a kind of snake.]
Me: Huh? No, it was just a big hat.
Woman on phone: Well then, who had the headpiece with the asp?
Me: Um, I dunno, Cleopatra?
Woman on phone: Cuz I'm sitting here with this asp headpiece, so now what do I tell people I am for Halloween?
Me: Um, I dunno, Cleopatra?
Woman on phone: Um...are you sure?
This conversation went on like this for about 8 minutes.
- In general, if a movie title has more than two words, it's gonna get butchered or just shortened to two words. Case in point: ever since I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry came out, I have not heard a single person call it by its full title. They just ask for "Chuck and Larry," so much so that we just keep it under "C." I feel that this information should be made known to studio execs somehow.
-Assorted people, in reference to pornos: This DVD skips. I couldn't watch all of it. (Good god, those things are like 4 hours long! Do you really need all of it?)
- A woman came in complaining that she had rented a DVD that when she tried to play it, only showed a menu of special features. The movie was the documentary What the Bleep Do We Know?. While my coworker tried to figure out the problem, I jokingly said to her, "Since it's a documentary about the nature of existence, maybe it's trying to mess with you." She gave me a stone-cold glare and said, "No it isn't. It has Marlee Matlin in it."
- Tons of people: Would the movie [movie title beginning with "the"] be under T? (Or) Would the movie [movie title beginning with indefinite article "a"] be under A?
- Me: No, because then 90% of the store would be under A or T. (Silently to myself: aren't you familiar with the basic principles of alphabetization?)
- Crazy man in motorized scooter, at the front counter, speaking at an ungodly volume with several people around: DO YOU HAVE SHE-MALE PORN?!
- Porn customers write down the numbers of the videos they want, and often times they make a long list in case some are out. One guy handed me such a list, to which I asked a very simple question: "How many would you like?" It could have been a one-word answer. Instead he replied, "All of them. I've got all day today, all day tomorrow..." EW.
- Guy on phone: I rented Pan's Labyrinth, but the version you gave me is in Spanish!
My coworker: Sir, it's a Spanish movie.
And finally:
- Man (holding a DVD) Is this a DVD?
I work in a video store and customers blurt out all sorts of gems that I just could not keep to myself. Here's all the wacky customer questions, comments, and concerns that I could remember. They are as close to verbatim as possible. Also, all of these people had memberships already and thus had rented before.
Woman: Do you have "Mr. and Mrs. Will Smith"?
Me: Um...I think you mean "Mr. and Mrs. Smith".
Woman: No, I'm positive it was "Mr. and Mrs. Will Smith".
- Do all movies in theaters come to DVD?
- Do you have the movie "Rocky Mountain Horror Show"? (They meant "Rocky Horror Picture Show")
- Woman (holding a 1-day rental): Is there any way you could make this, like, more than a 1-day?
Me: Like what?
Woman: Like...maybe...a five-day rental?
- What does "One Day Only" mean?
- Woman on phone: Do you have "An Inconvenient Truth" for the VCR?
Me: You mean VHS? No. They don't make VHS anymore
Woman on phone: That's capitalism for ya!
- Me: You have some late fees, you returned this four days late.
Response of many people: No I didn't, it's a five day rental, so it's actually a day early.
Me: No, you had it five days and then four days more. Five and four is nine. Nine days.
Many people: Oh. Yeah. I guess so.
- Man: Ugh, I can't find anything I want in here. I've seen all the movies in here.
Me: We have thousands of movies! Seriously?
Man: Yeah, probably like 20 percent of them.
- Man (after being charged a $4 late fee) You know what? This is ridiculous. That's it. I've had it. I'm switching to Netflix. I'm not coming back. Cancel my membership.
Me: We can't cancel memberships, they just expire after a while, and cancelling implies that you're paying for the membership, which you're not.
Man: CANCEL MY MEMBERSHIP!!
- Old Lady: Where would I find "Hustle and Flow"?
Me: Excuse me?
Old Lady: Oh right, I mean "Kung Fu Hustle."
- Man: Do you have "Women and Children?" (He meant Children of Men)
- Man: Do you have "Badass?" (He meant Superbad)
- Some of our frequent porn renters don't even bother going downstairs to look at the titles like everyone else. They just strut up to the counter and go "Show me the latest." One fellow did this and sifted through the pile. He slammed them all down, heaved a sigh, and told my coworker, "You're outta gas, kid."
- Old lady: Do you have that new movie that was well reviewed in the New York Times...what was it...oh yes. Babe!
Me: (I know they meant Babel, but just to fuck with them a little, I said this) Oh! Pig in the city?
- Man: Do you have videos of older women having sex with 13 and 14-year-old boys?
My coworker: (stunned) Um, no. That's illegal.
Man: No, I mean very loving and tastefully done and consensual.
My coworker: Um, no. That's illegal.
Man: Because I know some people, I mean, I know them now, but when they were younger, they were involved in these relationships and it was very loving and beneficial.
My coworker: Um, okay.
-Woman on phone, day before Halloween: (this is the first thing she said, no greeting or anything) The woman in 101 Dalmations. Glenn Close. What's her name?
Me: Uh, Cruella de Vil?
Woman on phone: Yes. Cru...Cruella, am I saying that right?
Me: Yes. Do you want to rent the movie?
Woman on phone: Is she the one with the headpiece?
Me: Well, she did have a big fur hat.
Woman on phone: The headpiece with the asp. [I'm pretty sure that's a kind of snake.]
Me: Huh? No, it was just a big hat.
Woman on phone: Well then, who had the headpiece with the asp?
Me: Um, I dunno, Cleopatra?
Woman on phone: Cuz I'm sitting here with this asp headpiece, so now what do I tell people I am for Halloween?
Me: Um, I dunno, Cleopatra?
Woman on phone: Um...are you sure?
This conversation went on like this for about 8 minutes.
- In general, if a movie title has more than two words, it's gonna get butchered or just shortened to two words. Case in point: ever since I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry came out, I have not heard a single person call it by its full title. They just ask for "Chuck and Larry," so much so that we just keep it under "C." I feel that this information should be made known to studio execs somehow.
-Assorted people, in reference to pornos: This DVD skips. I couldn't watch all of it. (Good god, those things are like 4 hours long! Do you really need all of it?)
- A woman came in complaining that she had rented a DVD that when she tried to play it, only showed a menu of special features. The movie was the documentary What the Bleep Do We Know?. While my coworker tried to figure out the problem, I jokingly said to her, "Since it's a documentary about the nature of existence, maybe it's trying to mess with you." She gave me a stone-cold glare and said, "No it isn't. It has Marlee Matlin in it."
- Tons of people: Would the movie [movie title beginning with "the"] be under T? (Or) Would the movie [movie title beginning with indefinite article "a"] be under A?
- Me: No, because then 90% of the store would be under A or T. (Silently to myself: aren't you familiar with the basic principles of alphabetization?)
- Crazy man in motorized scooter, at the front counter, speaking at an ungodly volume with several people around: DO YOU HAVE SHE-MALE PORN?!
- Porn customers write down the numbers of the videos they want, and often times they make a long list in case some are out. One guy handed me such a list, to which I asked a very simple question: "How many would you like?" It could have been a one-word answer. Instead he replied, "All of them. I've got all day today, all day tomorrow..." EW.
- Guy on phone: I rented Pan's Labyrinth, but the version you gave me is in Spanish!
My coworker: Sir, it's a Spanish movie.
And finally:
- Man (holding a DVD) Is this a DVD?
Movie restaurants quiz
Think you know a lot about movies, tough guy? Then name what movies these fictional restaurants are from - from fast food to fine dining. Scroll down for the answers...NO CHEATSIES. I won't lie to ya...some of these are ridiculously hard. Good luck!
1. Rick's Cafe Americain
2. Jack Rabbit Slim's
3. Pizza Planet
4. Mildred's
5. Chotchkie's
6. Hukilau Cafe
7. The Two Windmills
8. Joe's Pie Diner
9. Sal's Pizzeria
10. Mr. Smiley's
11. The Frosty Palace
12. Mudka's Mud Hut
13. Harryhausen's
1. Casablanca
2. Pulp Fiction
3. Toy Story
4. Mildred Pierce
5. Office Space
6. 50 First Dates
7. Amelie
8. Waitress
9. Do the Right Thing
10. American Beauty
11. Grease
12. The Emperor's New Groove
13. Monsters Inc.
1. Rick's Cafe Americain
2. Jack Rabbit Slim's
3. Pizza Planet
4. Mildred's
5. Chotchkie's
6. Hukilau Cafe
7. The Two Windmills
8. Joe's Pie Diner
9. Sal's Pizzeria
10. Mr. Smiley's
11. The Frosty Palace
12. Mudka's Mud Hut
13. Harryhausen's
1. Casablanca
2. Pulp Fiction
3. Toy Story
4. Mildred Pierce
5. Office Space
6. 50 First Dates
7. Amelie
8. Waitress
9. Do the Right Thing
10. American Beauty
11. Grease
12. The Emperor's New Groove
13. Monsters Inc.
What Oscar categories really mean
I know it's not Oscar season yet, but those little golden men have been on my mind lately. If you think about it, a lot of Oscar categories mean things more specific than just best such-and-such. Here's my handy guide to decoding what some of those tricky buggers mean. (And please, don't compile a nerdy and meticulous list of exceptions and send them to me. This is meant, on some level, to be humorous).
-Best Picture
Actually means: best drop-dead serious drama preferably about war or other actual events
-Best Actress
Actually means: whoever got fattest or ugliest
-Best Actor
Actually means: whoever most effectively portrayed a real person
-Best Supporting Actor/Actress
Actually means: best spunky sidekick with awesome one-liners that, if they were the main character, would not have won an Oscar. Comes with high risk of never winning an Oscar again.
-Best Costume Design
Actually means: best costume design for a period piece
-Best Documentary Short Subject/Feature
- Actually means: most depressing documentary, preferably about AIDS, the Holocaust, or genocide. I remember watching the awards last year and telling my friend how pissed the directors of some of the documentary short subjects must be, because they were up against one about AIDS and didn't stand a chance.
-Best Foreign Film
Actually means: most depressing foreign film
-Best Directing
Actually means: whoever directed Best Picture
-Best Original Screenplay
Actually means: quirky movie that should have been nominated for Best Picture but was not a drop-dead serious drama about war or other actual events
Some categories are legitimate wildcards though. "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" winning best song? Who could have seen that coming?
-Best Picture
Actually means: best drop-dead serious drama preferably about war or other actual events
-Best Actress
Actually means: whoever got fattest or ugliest
-Best Actor
Actually means: whoever most effectively portrayed a real person
-Best Supporting Actor/Actress
Actually means: best spunky sidekick with awesome one-liners that, if they were the main character, would not have won an Oscar. Comes with high risk of never winning an Oscar again.
-Best Costume Design
Actually means: best costume design for a period piece
-Best Documentary Short Subject/Feature
- Actually means: most depressing documentary, preferably about AIDS, the Holocaust, or genocide. I remember watching the awards last year and telling my friend how pissed the directors of some of the documentary short subjects must be, because they were up against one about AIDS and didn't stand a chance.
-Best Foreign Film
Actually means: most depressing foreign film
-Best Directing
Actually means: whoever directed Best Picture
-Best Original Screenplay
Actually means: quirky movie that should have been nominated for Best Picture but was not a drop-dead serious drama about war or other actual events
Some categories are legitimate wildcards though. "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" winning best song? Who could have seen that coming?
December 1, 2007
The decline of the strong female character - and 10 ladies who defy the trend
In regards to actors and actresses, I typically subscribe to the school of "they just don't make 'em like that anymore." In other words, I can't really think of too many actors/actresses who can even hold a candle to those of yesteryear. This dichotomy becomes particularly striking when it comes to women. There is no modern-day equivalent to a Joan Crawford, a Barbara Stanwyck, a Bette Davis, a Katharine Hepburn, etc. People would line up to see any movie they headlined, because they delivered the goods. People today aren't gonna line up for a Hilary Swank movie, they're gonna crowd the theaters of a Jessica Biel or Scarlett Johansson movie because they're hot. Yeah, I know old-timey actresses were hot too, but the attraction was more all-encompassing - Myrna Loy was called "The Perfect Wife," not "The Perfect Piece of Ass." Obviously, women have always been relegated to an inferior position in society, but cinema was one of the places where they could be equal, or even superior. One day, I was in a feminist sort of mood, and started compiling a mental list of strong female characters. "Strong" doesn't have to mean the character herself has a strong personality, but rather that she is well-written, multifaceted, sympathetic, and compelling. I could think of tons - Joan Crawford as Mildred Pierce in Mildred Pierce, Mae West in anything, Katharine Hepburn as Tracy Lord in The Philadelphia Story, Anne Bancroft as Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate, Lauren Bacall as "Slim" in To Have or Have Not, the entire cast of The Women...basically I could have gone on for days. But then I realized something...none of these are even remotely recent. So I shifted my focus to recent films of the last 10 years or so. I could still think of tons - Audrey Tatou as Amelie in Amelie or as Mathilde in A Very Long Engagement, Franka Potente as Lola in Run Lola Run, Eihi Shiina as Asami in Audition, any female character in a Pedro Almodovar movie, any female character in a Wong Kar Wai movie, and on and on. But wait - these are all foreign films! Exasperated and disheartened, I tried to think of strong female characters in American movies from the last 10 years. And it was really, really hard.
Females on the silver screen are becoming an endangered species. Warner Brothers recently issued a statement that based on the poor performance of recent female-led films (namely, The Invasion and The Brave One), they will stop making movies with women in the lead. (Read more about it here.) Wait, WHAT?! So maybe the aforementioned films weren't that good...must all women be punished for that? Women's rights attorney Gloria Allred wisely notes in the article, "when movies with men as the lead fail, no one says we'll stop making movies with men in the lead." Lead roles aren't the only place where a female presence is diminishing - according to 2004 figures from the Screen Actors Guild, men outnumber women onscreen in a ratio of 65 to 35 percent. I'm sorry, can I just take a break from my eloquent and composed blogger demeanor to say WHAT THE FUCK.
Before I completely depress you (and myself) beyond all reason, let us turn to the few and the proud - strong female characters in American films of the past 10(ish) years. This list is not definitive, and I welcome your suggestions - obviously, I haven't seen every film made in the past decade, but I really couldn't think of many to begin with. My requirements are as follows:
- The character can be any type of person, but "strong" implies, as I said earlier, well-written, multifaceted, sympathetic, and compelling. It's not just a synonym for "kickass," and this list isn't just going to be a list of action heroines.
- Must be from an American film
- The character cannot be based on/ be a portrayal of a real person, because those characters are "pre-written" by history, so to speak. So Marie Antoinette or Aileen Wuornos wouldn't count.
- The characters cannot be creations of another time - i.e. based on novels written 100 years ago or featured in a film that's a remake
- The character cannot be animated, because I'm not giving this distinction out to fish and toys and shit.
Onto the list - as always, in no particular order.
1. Uma Thurman as The Bride in Kill Bill: Vol 1 & 2.
The Bride is most definitely kickass. Among other feats, she fights a mob of several dozen ninjas, plucks out another chick's eye, has special samurai training with a crazy old dude and punches her way out of a sealed and buried coffin. But Quentin Tarantino (who develops some very interesting female characters) doesn't just leave her as a two-dimensional action figure - he gives her pathos and weight. The first film opens with a black and white image of The Bride bloodied, breathless, and pregnant, pleading for her life, and then her fiancee shoots her and leaves her for dead. She is driven by a quest for vengeance, but also, in the second volume, the quest to reunite with her daughter. Thus, the masculine notion of revenge and her maternal urges are combined to form a multi-dimensional character.
2. Kate Winslet as Sarah Pierce in Little Children
Things are not going well for Sarah Pierce. She hasn't quite figured out her role as a mother yet, and she just discovered that her husband is addicted to internet porn and chats with scandalous strangers. The only highlight of her life is her hunky neighbor Brad, with whom she starts an affair. The thing I appreciated about this movie was that winning Brad over does not come easy for Sarah. She desperately purchases a sexy swimsuit from a catalog, kisses him randomly on the playground to shock some neighborhood mothers, and still in a voiceover Brad says that her eyebrows are "bushier than necessary." She's desperate and sympathetic, nuanced and realistic. I think she could have totally won the Best Actress Oscar this past year if it wasn't for the awards season wrecking ball named Helen Mirren.
3. Rachel Weisz as Evelyn Anne Thompson in The Shape of Things
All four characters in this film are great - due in no small part to the fact that it is a direct adaptation of a play, with the same actors and director (Neil LaBute). Evelyn is an art student with funky hairstyles and a penchant for spraypainting ancient statues. In my opinion, she goes from annoying to intriguing to sociopathic. It's really hard to explain too much about this character without giving the movie away, but let's just say that she achieves drastic and morally questionable measures through meticulous emotional manipulation. Fun night at the movies!
4. Frances McDormand as Marge Gunderson in Fargo
McDormand received a well-deserved Academy Award for this role. Under her adorably Midwestern exterior, she's a no-nonsense policewoman. She gets the job done without being rude and abrasive, but without backing down. After reining in all the bad guys, she cuddles into bed with her husband, who rubs her pregnant belly. They are completely unglamorous, but ridiculously cute. Plus, she wears the pants in the relationship (her stay-at-home husband makes her breakfast).
5. Natalie Portman as Sam in Garden State
I have a permanent beef with Natalie Portman for being so girl-next-door-sy gorgeous, but I'll let it slide momentarily. What struck me about this character was, for lack of a better word, how real she was. After I saw the movie for the first time with some friends, they all turned to me and said, "Julie, the character in that movie was YOU." And for them to compare a character to someone they know well, the character has to be pretty well-formed. I would be kind of offended if they compared me to, say, a Bond girl. Sam is unafraid to be random, make funny noises, and laugh at life. After a really intense and emotional conversation with Andrew (Zach Braff), she blurts out, "I can tap dance. Wanna see me tap dance?" That line made me smile so much, because that's how people's brains really work (er, mine anyway). She's also an epileptic, a habitual liar, an animal lover and a former figure skater. What's not to love?
6. Judi Dench as Barbara Covett and Cate Blanchett as Sheba Hart in Notes on a Scandal
This movie kicks ass. It proves that you don't need anything fancy to make a good movie, just two awesome actors going all out. The plot of the film is simple: Sheba is a new art teacher at the school where Barbara teaches, and starts having (consentual) physical relations with a young male student. She confides in the reclusive Barbara, who has warmed up to this intriguing newcomer. Barbara then uses this secret to manipulate her. Yeah, the plot by itself sounds kind of eh, but that's why the performances are so important in making this movie great. Judi Dench is ridiculously creepy, pathetic, and a quasi-lesbian, and Sheba is desperate, sympathetic but also morally questionable. It gets real ugly between these two lovely ladies. The strength of these characters is probably due in no small part to the fact that the film is an adaptation of a female-written novel.
7. Keri Russell as Jenna Hunterson in Waitress
Who knew that cute little gal from "Felicity" had such a great role in her? Waitress is a sweet story about a Southern waitress who discovers she's pregnant with her loser husband's baby, and starts an affair with her doctor. What could have been a Lifetime movie is most decidedly not - Jenna is sweet and vulnerable, but spunky and sassy. She channels her emotions into the original pies she makes, giving them such names as “Baby Screaming Its Head Off In the Middle of the Night and Ruining My Life Pie.” She is also surprisingly un-maternal for the majority of the film, which is pretty radical if you think about how much of cinematic female identity is centered on the motherhood role. She leads a double life - aggressive, passionate and loved by her doctor, and frustrated, bored and almost enslaved by her husband. The female supporting cast is great as well, probably due again to the fact that the film was written and directed by a woman, the late Adrienne Shelly.
9. Helena Bonham Carter as “Woman” in Conversations with Other Women
Hans Canosa’s sophomore effort is a split-screen tour de force, featuring Helena Bonham Carter and Aaron Eckhart going at each other both verbally and physically. It’s hard to describe the plot without giving too much away, but I basically saw this film as a kind of boxing match between the two perfectly matched opponents. They both have dirt on the other’s past, they both know how to make the other happy, sad, jealous, or lusty. In a way it reminded me of a edgier, modern Tracy and Hepburn dynamic. This movie is an actors’ piece, and Carter really shines, being alternately abrasive, nonchalant, and helpless.
10. Catherine Keener as Trish in The 40-Year-Old Virgin
Oh, Judd Apatow. I can’t say anything about you that hasn’t already been said in the trillions of articles praising your existence and calling you the next big thing. Like those articles, I will echo the sentiment that you have redefined the “date movie,” and found something that both men and women can enjoy: realistic depictions of themselves. Trish is a single mom who runs her own eBay store, gives out her number to shy Andy and tells a supposed telemarketer (actually Andy) to fuck his mother. She also fights with her daughters and feels undesired by Andy (due to the titular problem). In the character of Trish I can see a very real woman who resembles actual forty-something women I know.
This list is not all-inclusive, but I also had trouble thinking of more that really fit. If there’s a character here that you think was left out, chances are I considered it and decided it didn’t fit the criteria or just, well, didn’t move me enough.
At this rate, the future of female roles in film looks pretty depressing. Hopefully I can become a successful director some day and do my part to get women back in the roles they deserve!
November 23, 2007
Dream Celebrity Family
I was commiserating with a friend recently about family woes, and had an idea that turned into a kind of car ride game (sans the car). What if you could construct a dream family of celebrities? Who would be in it? Now, this can't just be a matter of celebrities you think are cool - like, would you really want Angelina Jolie as your mom? She might ignore you because you're not from a third-world country. You can't just pick celebrities you think are hot, either, because we're talking family here, and incest is so not okay. We decided that "celebrity" includes all famous people, regardless of profession. Fictional characters of any type are not allowed. We also decided that you could resurrect one person from the dead.
My family looked a bit like this:
My dad would be either Steve Carrell or Will Smith. I know this whole exercise is based on arbitrary character judgments of people you don't actually know, but I just feel that these two would be good dads.
My mom would be Reese Witherspoon, but a version of Reese Witherspoon that didn't make crappy romantic comedies constantly. I am not a devoted Reese fan by any means, but I am basing this choice solely on a tidbit I read in an interview with her, where she said that the only Barbie she lets her daughter play with is President Barbie. Girl power!
Cameron Diaz would be my sister. Many silly sisterly montages abound.
Jonah Hill would be my brother. Hilarious and vulgar - and would probably behave in a rowdy fashion that would make me look even better to my parents. (But then again, I have cool celebrity parents now, so they're probably way chill).
Conan O'Brien would be my fun uncle (funcle), Sarah Jessica Parker my hip aunt.
Shirley MacLaine is one of my grandmas. She can regale me with stories of the Rat Pack, and we can have sing and dance-alongs.
Ian McKellen is my cool, knighted British gay grandpa, and Tim Gunn is his partner, my effortlessly suave, stylish and classy gay grandpa.
For my resurrected celebrity family member, after much consideration, I decided that Alfred Hitchcock would be my eccentric grandpa with a dark sense of humor. Oh, and he'd slide me into the movie biz real easy.
I couldn't decide on cousins, more aunts and uncles, and another grandma, though. In discussing this with the aforementioned friend (and other friends later), some names that were suggested were:
Bill Murray for a dad
Bill Cosby for an uncle
Nancy Sinatra for a grandma
Paul Rudd as a brother (I think that came up with two different people)
Craig Ferguson as an uncle
Dustin Hoffman as an uncle
Meryl Streep as a grandma
Morgan Freeman as a grandpa
Jimmy Stewart as a dad
Chris Farley as an uncle
Mel Brooks as a grandpa
Karen Allen as a mom
Howard Zinn as a dad
Vincent Price as a grandpa
Seth Rogen as a brother-in-law (one friend got very specific and drew an actual family tree)
Who would you want in your celebrity family? (If there are good suggestions, I am SO imaginary-snatching them.)
My family looked a bit like this:
My dad would be either Steve Carrell or Will Smith. I know this whole exercise is based on arbitrary character judgments of people you don't actually know, but I just feel that these two would be good dads.
My mom would be Reese Witherspoon, but a version of Reese Witherspoon that didn't make crappy romantic comedies constantly. I am not a devoted Reese fan by any means, but I am basing this choice solely on a tidbit I read in an interview with her, where she said that the only Barbie she lets her daughter play with is President Barbie. Girl power!
Cameron Diaz would be my sister. Many silly sisterly montages abound.
Jonah Hill would be my brother. Hilarious and vulgar - and would probably behave in a rowdy fashion that would make me look even better to my parents. (But then again, I have cool celebrity parents now, so they're probably way chill).
Conan O'Brien would be my fun uncle (funcle), Sarah Jessica Parker my hip aunt.
Shirley MacLaine is one of my grandmas. She can regale me with stories of the Rat Pack, and we can have sing and dance-alongs.
Ian McKellen is my cool, knighted British gay grandpa, and Tim Gunn is his partner, my effortlessly suave, stylish and classy gay grandpa.
For my resurrected celebrity family member, after much consideration, I decided that Alfred Hitchcock would be my eccentric grandpa with a dark sense of humor. Oh, and he'd slide me into the movie biz real easy.
I couldn't decide on cousins, more aunts and uncles, and another grandma, though. In discussing this with the aforementioned friend (and other friends later), some names that were suggested were:
Bill Murray for a dad
Bill Cosby for an uncle
Nancy Sinatra for a grandma
Paul Rudd as a brother (I think that came up with two different people)
Craig Ferguson as an uncle
Dustin Hoffman as an uncle
Meryl Streep as a grandma
Morgan Freeman as a grandpa
Jimmy Stewart as a dad
Chris Farley as an uncle
Mel Brooks as a grandpa
Karen Allen as a mom
Howard Zinn as a dad
Vincent Price as a grandpa
Seth Rogen as a brother-in-law (one friend got very specific and drew an actual family tree)
Who would you want in your celebrity family? (If there are good suggestions, I am SO imaginary-snatching them.)
November 13, 2007
Boston in Cinema
I am a proud Masshole. I don't say "pahk the kah," but I do say "wicked." I'm indifferent to sports, but part of me still hates the Yankees. I refuse to sell out and go on a duck tour. I don't think of Boston as "New York junior," which some people seem to do. I love this town.
Thus, it distresses me how my beloved city is shown on the silver screen. I recently saw Gone, Baby, Gone, which is an excellent film worth checking out. But I had the same problem with it that I had with Mystic River, The Departed, etc...they portray Boston as a shithole. And mind you, some parts of the city are shitholes - but not all.
I have concluded that Boston movies are of two main varieties - films about gangsters and thugs with ludicrous accents, and movies that take place at Harvard (or MIT - here's looking at you, Good Will Hunting). Really? That's it? There is so much culture and vibrancy here - why are we reduced to those two depictions?
The Harvard one is obvious - nobody can control that one of the nation's top institutions of higher learning is in our fair state. But why all the thugs? Well, New York has lots of gritty crime movies, you say. True. But for every Taxi Driver, there's a Manhattan, or a West Side Story, or a Spider-Man, or Breakfast at Tiffany's. New York has hosted comedies, musicals, dramas, romances, sci-fi, mysteries, action - anything you can think of. It's not typecast. With Boston, however, the only films of note that are not Harvard-based or crime sagas are Fever Pitch and Next Stop Wonderland. Due to recent tax incentives for filmmakers shooting in Boston, there's been an influx of movies shooting here, such as Bachelor No. 2 with Dane Cook, a remake of the 1939 classic The Women, and the Pink Panther sequel. Okay, that's a start. But the infuriating thing is that often, since Boston is now cheaper to film in than New York, the films shot here are just said to take place in New York! Or the reverse happens, where "genuine" Boston movies like The Departed are shot largely in the Big Apple.
Boston does have a crime history. We do have white-trash people with funny accents that kill each other sometimes. And I totally support that being exploited for its cinematic value. Except here's my other problem: Boston is a big city. It's not homogenous. Everyone knows that New York has very different parts - even a random farmer in Iowa is probably going to know that Manhattan and Brooklyn might as well be two different planets. But people outside of Boston are not as widely aware of the city's segmentation - it's all one thing to them. Take Gone, Baby, Gone , for instance. It's a "Boston movie" by all definitions - it's based on a novel written by a native, directed by the local Ben Affleck, and takes place in the city. Or does it? There are actually only a few fleeting shots of Boston proper. The bulk of the movie takes place in Dorchester, which is an adjacent city that is really dangerous and trashy. It's "the bad part of town." It's where people have Boston accents - which, for the record, nobody in Boston proper has. It's a separate zip code, a separate way of life. The movie also takes place in Chelsea and Everett, two towns that while bordering Boston, are a pretty far hike from it. And lord are they trashy. They really have nothing to do with Boston. And while natives of the city are going to see the movie and know the difference, other people won't. For all they know, Everett could be the name of a downtown Boston neighborhood. Same with The Departed and Southie - they take place in South Boston, which again, is a different zip code and a different way of life. In recent years, Boston's image and tourism industry have been hurting (read more here). Maybe this is jumping to conclusions, but perhaps out-of-towners see these unglamorous and downright unpleasant depictions of the city - again, with no counterpoint - and decide against the city as a travel destination.
I tried to play devil's advocate and think of another American city that is typecast like this, but came up dry. I've already mentioned New York, but other cities - even ones where not many films take place - have varied depictions. San Francisco, for instance, hosted a string of film noirs in the 1940s, but broke the pattern and now hosts films as varied as Dirty Harry, Sister Act, The Hulk, and Basic Instinct. Chicago has Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Barbershop, Risky Business, and The Man With the Golden Arm, to name a few. Los Angeles has a ton of showbiz-oriented movies, but also romances and action films. Some cities don't really have films that take place there, but perhaps that's better than being stereotyped.
After seeing Gone, Baby, Gone, my boyfriend and I joked that there should be a crime caper set in Boston's South End. Heard of it? Not to be confused with South Boston, it's an area of the city known for expensive and fabulous dining, posh shopping, tiny dogs and its large - dare I say predominantly - gay population. Or how about Beacon Hill, with its combination of students and bigwigs, quiet streets and political protests? There's the lovably snooty Back Bay, the college student jungle of Allston, the quirky culture of Brookline, the hippies of Cambridge. Where are these on screen? I'm not asking for a movie where people dance around holding lobsters and baked beans and screaming "wicked pissah" all the way down the Freedom Trail, but what would it hurt to shoot your romantic comedy in a cheaper city, throw in a few shots of the skyline and actually acknowledge where you are?
P.S. - while I'm on the subject, nobody knows your name at Cheers. It is a horrible tourist trap that locals avoid at all costs.
Thus, it distresses me how my beloved city is shown on the silver screen. I recently saw Gone, Baby, Gone, which is an excellent film worth checking out. But I had the same problem with it that I had with Mystic River, The Departed, etc...they portray Boston as a shithole. And mind you, some parts of the city are shitholes - but not all.
I have concluded that Boston movies are of two main varieties - films about gangsters and thugs with ludicrous accents, and movies that take place at Harvard (or MIT - here's looking at you, Good Will Hunting). Really? That's it? There is so much culture and vibrancy here - why are we reduced to those two depictions?
The Harvard one is obvious - nobody can control that one of the nation's top institutions of higher learning is in our fair state. But why all the thugs? Well, New York has lots of gritty crime movies, you say. True. But for every Taxi Driver, there's a Manhattan, or a West Side Story, or a Spider-Man, or Breakfast at Tiffany's. New York has hosted comedies, musicals, dramas, romances, sci-fi, mysteries, action - anything you can think of. It's not typecast. With Boston, however, the only films of note that are not Harvard-based or crime sagas are Fever Pitch and Next Stop Wonderland. Due to recent tax incentives for filmmakers shooting in Boston, there's been an influx of movies shooting here, such as Bachelor No. 2 with Dane Cook, a remake of the 1939 classic The Women, and the Pink Panther sequel. Okay, that's a start. But the infuriating thing is that often, since Boston is now cheaper to film in than New York, the films shot here are just said to take place in New York! Or the reverse happens, where "genuine" Boston movies like The Departed are shot largely in the Big Apple.
Boston does have a crime history. We do have white-trash people with funny accents that kill each other sometimes. And I totally support that being exploited for its cinematic value. Except here's my other problem: Boston is a big city. It's not homogenous. Everyone knows that New York has very different parts - even a random farmer in Iowa is probably going to know that Manhattan and Brooklyn might as well be two different planets. But people outside of Boston are not as widely aware of the city's segmentation - it's all one thing to them. Take Gone, Baby, Gone , for instance. It's a "Boston movie" by all definitions - it's based on a novel written by a native, directed by the local Ben Affleck, and takes place in the city. Or does it? There are actually only a few fleeting shots of Boston proper. The bulk of the movie takes place in Dorchester, which is an adjacent city that is really dangerous and trashy. It's "the bad part of town." It's where people have Boston accents - which, for the record, nobody in Boston proper has. It's a separate zip code, a separate way of life. The movie also takes place in Chelsea and Everett, two towns that while bordering Boston, are a pretty far hike from it. And lord are they trashy. They really have nothing to do with Boston. And while natives of the city are going to see the movie and know the difference, other people won't. For all they know, Everett could be the name of a downtown Boston neighborhood. Same with The Departed and Southie - they take place in South Boston, which again, is a different zip code and a different way of life. In recent years, Boston's image and tourism industry have been hurting (read more here). Maybe this is jumping to conclusions, but perhaps out-of-towners see these unglamorous and downright unpleasant depictions of the city - again, with no counterpoint - and decide against the city as a travel destination.
I tried to play devil's advocate and think of another American city that is typecast like this, but came up dry. I've already mentioned New York, but other cities - even ones where not many films take place - have varied depictions. San Francisco, for instance, hosted a string of film noirs in the 1940s, but broke the pattern and now hosts films as varied as Dirty Harry, Sister Act, The Hulk, and Basic Instinct. Chicago has Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Barbershop, Risky Business, and The Man With the Golden Arm, to name a few. Los Angeles has a ton of showbiz-oriented movies, but also romances and action films. Some cities don't really have films that take place there, but perhaps that's better than being stereotyped.
After seeing Gone, Baby, Gone, my boyfriend and I joked that there should be a crime caper set in Boston's South End. Heard of it? Not to be confused with South Boston, it's an area of the city known for expensive and fabulous dining, posh shopping, tiny dogs and its large - dare I say predominantly - gay population. Or how about Beacon Hill, with its combination of students and bigwigs, quiet streets and political protests? There's the lovably snooty Back Bay, the college student jungle of Allston, the quirky culture of Brookline, the hippies of Cambridge. Where are these on screen? I'm not asking for a movie where people dance around holding lobsters and baked beans and screaming "wicked pissah" all the way down the Freedom Trail, but what would it hurt to shoot your romantic comedy in a cheaper city, throw in a few shots of the skyline and actually acknowledge where you are?
P.S. - while I'm on the subject, nobody knows your name at Cheers. It is a horrible tourist trap that locals avoid at all costs.
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