I take the word "bitch" very seriously. I believe that it is overused to describe feisty women who get what they want. But there are real bitches out there...women who are really mean and catty, but also pack the dangerous punch of smarts and cunning. (I'm ashamed to admit that I was friends with some in high school). You'll notice my old-movie bias, because I don't think that they make on-screen bitches like they used to. They can't just be mean - they have to be smarts and substance. A good cinematic bitch is great to watch, as demonstrated by the fact that two of the movies on my list won the Best Picture Oscar, and another was nominated. On that note, here are my top 5 biggest bitches in movies, in no particular order:
1. Regina George in Mean Girls.
Type: Classic high school bitch.
Portrayed by Rachel McAdams, she is the personification of the blonde, power-hungry alpha female. Her nastiness knows no bounds, from snide comments behind people's backs, to a "burn book" saying horrible things about everyone in school. She comes around in the end, however, channeling her aggression into sports.
Quote: "Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you're a homeschooled jungle freak, that's a less hot version of me!"
2. Eve Harrington in All About Eve.
Type: Bitch in disguise.
Here's your typical bitch-playing-innocent routine. She starts out the film as a naive girl worshipping actress Margo Channing, and then uses cunning and manipulation to claim Margo's career - and man - for herself. Anne Baxter's slimy and sickly sweet portrayal churns your stomach.
Quote: It's too long to put in here, but she makes up a ridiculous sob story about her rough past so that Margo will pity and accept her.
3. Mrs. Danvers in Rebecca.
Type: Eerie matronly Hitchcock bitch.
Mrs. Danvers (Judith Anderson) was a fan of her employer's deceased wife, Rebecca. She is not a fan of his new wife, a sentiment she makes clear by repeatedly suggesting that the new Mrs. de Winter commit suicide. Oh, and then she goes apeshit and burns down the house. Fun fact: Hitchcock said that the costumes for this character were designed so that she would always appear to be floating over the ground instead of walking, making her even creepier.
Quote: (next to an open window) "Go ahead. Jump. He never loved you, so why go on living? Jump and it will all be over..."
4. Basically the entire cast of The Women.
Type: Catty, gossipy bitches.
This is the film that my gay coworker Davy, a veritable conoisseur of bitchy movies, called "too much for me." It's hard to select just one bitch from it, although the protagonist Mary Haines is largely exempt. Main bitches include Sylvia Fowler (Rosalind Russell, delightful to watch as she ruins reputations), Miriam Aarons (Paulette Goddard), and Crystal Allen (Joan Crawford), all guilty of some serious adultery, man-snatching, and talking behind people's backs. At the end, Mary realizes that she has to beat them all at their own game, in a triumphant scene at a party where she exposes everyone's secrets to each other.
Quote: (Crystal Allen): "There is a name for you, ladies, but it isn't used in high society... outside of a kennel."
5. Veda Pierce in Mildred Pierce.
Type: Ungrateful, spiteful, teenage bitch.
Watching this movie, I wanted to jump into the screen and punch Veda (played by Ann Blyth, who earned an Oscar nomination) in the face. She plays the daughter of the titular Mildred, a working-class woman who works her working-class ass off to give her daughter all the luxuries she wants, but to Veda, it's never enough. She is always embarassed by the fact that her mother works, and is always acts like her mother leaves her needs unfulfilled. Oh, and then she steals her mother's old husband so that she can give him the life she wants. Karma kicks her ass in the end, though.
Quote: (to her mother) "You think just because you made a little money you can get a new hairdo and some expensive clothes and turn yourself into a lady. But you can't, because you'll never be anything but a common frump!"
Honorable mentions:
- Hilary Faye (Mandy Moore) in Saved!
I excluded her because the character of Hilary Faye gets into the slippery slope of people who are psychotic bitches because of religion. They often don't understand that being a bitch for religion is wrong, whereas the other lovely ladies on this list are most certainly aware that their behavior is not exactly angelic. That said, she has some awesome bitch moments, like when she violently hurls a Bible at Mary (Jena Malone) and screams, "I am SO full of Christ love!!"
- Mary Tilford (Karen Balkin) in The Children's Hour
More of a bitchlette, since she's about 11 or so. She couldn't anticipate the consequences of the lie she tells to avoid going back to school. However, she most certainly knows what she's doing when she manipulates her poor classmate Rosalie into lying for her, by saying that the police are hot on the trail of a missing bracelet that Rosalie took from another girl. And her eyes bug out and she's really intense, even for an 11-year old.
Showing posts with label top 5. Show all posts
Showing posts with label top 5. Show all posts
May 15, 2007
April 13, 2007
Top 5 Most Memorable Sex Scenes
Ah, cinematic sex scenes. Usually they're totally sensationalist and unnecessary, and for a while led me to believe that perfectly timed mood music would pump out of the sky during sex. (Not so, it turns out.) But every once in a while, a sex scene comes along that not only enhances the movie, but stands on its own as a legitimate scene. Here are my top 5 (again, I feel it is only fair to just address movies I have actually seen).
In no particular order:
1. American Pie - the sex scene between Vicky (Tara Reid) and Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas). Now I saw this movie a long time ago, and not even in its entirety. Amid all its teen sex romp hijinks, though, is a brutal and rare piece of cinematic truth. Vicky and Kevin are the nice guy and girl, respectively. They are losing their virginity to each other at an after-prom party. The remarkable thing about this scene is, it's AWKWARD. Vicky keeps eliciting little moans of discomfort, and at one point reprimands Kevin for squishing her hair. There's no mood music. It's beautifully awkward.
2. Annie Hall - when Annie and Alvy are having sex and Annie is emotionally absent from the experience, as represented by her translucent ghostlike conscious sitting in the corner. Clever and poignant.
3. The 40-Year-Old Virgin - Andy's (Steve Carrell's) triumphant first time. He has married his true love, Trish, and they go into a hotel room to seal the deal. After violently screaming at the cleaning guy to get out, they begin, and Trish declares "you're officially not a virgin anymore." Then a black screen flashes the words "1 minute later," with Andy looking wide-eyed and ecstatic. They do it again, and again, and then the whole cast bursts into a glorious rendition of "Aquarius." Hilarious.
4. Titanic - Jack and Rose doin it in the car of the sinking ship. Hey, I said memorable, not good, and this one is pretty cheesy. Although fucking on a sinking boat is pretty sexy in an apocalyptic kinda way. And admit it, the image of the hand sliding down the steamed-up window of the car stuck with you.
5. Atame (Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!) Of course there's an Almodovar movie in here. His approach to cinematic sex is always fresh and innovative, but I chose to include this particular film. It's the infamous sex scene between Ricky and Marina, which helped bring about the NC-17 rating (the film was previously slapped with an X rating). There's nothing perverse or weird here, it's just two people having sex in a bed. According to IMDB, the scene took nine takes and nine hours to get right, and Almodovar used the last take because the actors had by then worked themselves up into a realistic sweat. Veteran director Elia Kazan called it "one of the best sex scenes he had ever witnessed." I agree.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
The Graduate - the first intimate encounter of Benjamin and Mrs. Robinson. I didn't include it on the list because technically they are not shown doing the actual deed, but the interaction directly beforehand is just brilliant and delicious. He admits he's a virgin, and there's an eerily Oedipal dynamic between the motherly and the naive. The dialogue is great - Mrs. Robinson announces that she is going to get undressed, and Benjamin asks what he should do. "Why don't you watch?" she says. "Oh - sure," he says, "Thank you."
Thank You For Smoking - Heather (Katie Holmes) and Nick (Aaron Eckhart) are starting to fool around on his bed, and media coverage of him comes on the tube. Heather declares lustily, "I want to fuck you while I watch you on TV."
Factory Girl - Okay, I haven't seen this movie. But I am including it because apparently the sex scene is mind-bogglingly realistic. (I tried to find the scene on YouTube - no luck).
In no particular order:
1. American Pie - the sex scene between Vicky (Tara Reid) and Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas). Now I saw this movie a long time ago, and not even in its entirety. Amid all its teen sex romp hijinks, though, is a brutal and rare piece of cinematic truth. Vicky and Kevin are the nice guy and girl, respectively. They are losing their virginity to each other at an after-prom party. The remarkable thing about this scene is, it's AWKWARD. Vicky keeps eliciting little moans of discomfort, and at one point reprimands Kevin for squishing her hair. There's no mood music. It's beautifully awkward.
2. Annie Hall - when Annie and Alvy are having sex and Annie is emotionally absent from the experience, as represented by her translucent ghostlike conscious sitting in the corner. Clever and poignant.
3. The 40-Year-Old Virgin - Andy's (Steve Carrell's) triumphant first time. He has married his true love, Trish, and they go into a hotel room to seal the deal. After violently screaming at the cleaning guy to get out, they begin, and Trish declares "you're officially not a virgin anymore." Then a black screen flashes the words "1 minute later," with Andy looking wide-eyed and ecstatic. They do it again, and again, and then the whole cast bursts into a glorious rendition of "Aquarius." Hilarious.
4. Titanic - Jack and Rose doin it in the car of the sinking ship. Hey, I said memorable, not good, and this one is pretty cheesy. Although fucking on a sinking boat is pretty sexy in an apocalyptic kinda way. And admit it, the image of the hand sliding down the steamed-up window of the car stuck with you.
5. Atame (Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!) Of course there's an Almodovar movie in here. His approach to cinematic sex is always fresh and innovative, but I chose to include this particular film. It's the infamous sex scene between Ricky and Marina, which helped bring about the NC-17 rating (the film was previously slapped with an X rating). There's nothing perverse or weird here, it's just two people having sex in a bed. According to IMDB, the scene took nine takes and nine hours to get right, and Almodovar used the last take because the actors had by then worked themselves up into a realistic sweat. Veteran director Elia Kazan called it "one of the best sex scenes he had ever witnessed." I agree.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
The Graduate - the first intimate encounter of Benjamin and Mrs. Robinson. I didn't include it on the list because technically they are not shown doing the actual deed, but the interaction directly beforehand is just brilliant and delicious. He admits he's a virgin, and there's an eerily Oedipal dynamic between the motherly and the naive. The dialogue is great - Mrs. Robinson announces that she is going to get undressed, and Benjamin asks what he should do. "Why don't you watch?" she says. "Oh - sure," he says, "Thank you."
Thank You For Smoking - Heather (Katie Holmes) and Nick (Aaron Eckhart) are starting to fool around on his bed, and media coverage of him comes on the tube. Heather declares lustily, "I want to fuck you while I watch you on TV."
Factory Girl - Okay, I haven't seen this movie. But I am including it because apparently the sex scene is mind-bogglingly realistic. (I tried to find the scene on YouTube - no luck).
March 9, 2007
Top 5 Musicals
Yes, there is an old movie bias. But in my defense, they had more musicals then!
Top 5 Musicals
1. Singin in the Rain. This movie is absolutely perfect in every way. I might have to say that this is number one and the others are tied for number two.
2. On the Town. Chronologically preceding the film above but having the same pairing of Stanley Donen and Gene Kelly, it has the same charm, awesome dancing, and catchy songs. Plus Frank Sinatra. In a sailor suit. Mmmm.
3. Top Hat. If I was condemned to spend the rest of my life locked in a room watching Fred and Ginger musicals, I'd be happy. I believe this to be the best of the bunch - it has songs like "Cheek to Cheek" and everyone's bumbling confusion is quite entertaining.
4. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. The Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell pairing of spacey blonde and sassy brunette is unbeatable. I love the glamour of "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend," but I'm equally partial to Russell's husky rendition of "Ain't There Anyone Here for Love?"
5. Cabaret. Liza Minnelli is larger than life in this. At one point she sprawls out on a bed and shouts "Doesn't my body just drive you wild with desire?" And she can say that in all seriousness, because she's Liza fucking Minnelli in Cabaret. The song and dance numbers are sleazy, campy, and full of heart. It makes you feel good, but then you're like, oh shit, Nazis.
Top 5 Musicals
1. Singin in the Rain. This movie is absolutely perfect in every way. I might have to say that this is number one and the others are tied for number two.
2. On the Town. Chronologically preceding the film above but having the same pairing of Stanley Donen and Gene Kelly, it has the same charm, awesome dancing, and catchy songs. Plus Frank Sinatra. In a sailor suit. Mmmm.
3. Top Hat. If I was condemned to spend the rest of my life locked in a room watching Fred and Ginger musicals, I'd be happy. I believe this to be the best of the bunch - it has songs like "Cheek to Cheek" and everyone's bumbling confusion is quite entertaining.
4. Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. The Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell pairing of spacey blonde and sassy brunette is unbeatable. I love the glamour of "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend," but I'm equally partial to Russell's husky rendition of "Ain't There Anyone Here for Love?"
5. Cabaret. Liza Minnelli is larger than life in this. At one point she sprawls out on a bed and shouts "Doesn't my body just drive you wild with desire?" And she can say that in all seriousness, because she's Liza fucking Minnelli in Cabaret. The song and dance numbers are sleazy, campy, and full of heart. It makes you feel good, but then you're like, oh shit, Nazis.
Top 5 Currently Working Actors with Untapped Potential
I like making Top 5 lists for movies. I often attempt this with my friend Scott. But every time, we quickly realize that I watch mostly old movies and he watches mostly newer movies and we aren't gonna get anywhere. So I'll do it mah damn self. These lists will always be in no order of importance, unless otherwise specified.
Top 5 Currently Working Actors with Untapped Potential
1. Bruce Willis. Yeah, I know, he does the action thing really well, and I liked him in Sin City and such. The Whole Nine Yards was a little contrived. But somewhere deep in there, there's an Oscar-winning role, I feel it. It'd be a dramedy about life - kinda Little Miss Sunshine-y. You couldn't domesticate him too much, but let him sit back, not blow things up, and ACT.
2. Denzel Washington. Before anyone punches me, YES, Denzel Washington is a very accomplished actor and he's won lots of awards. Okay. But I am SO TIRED of seeing him play cops. "Coming this summer: Denzel as a cop for the 967th time!" Stretch him a little. Get him out of his element. I can see him as the straight man in a quirky comedy - almost a bit of a self-parody of how intense he is.
3. Halle Berry. Maybe this one is more hopeful than truthful. I couldn't believe she won an Oscar for Monster's Ball, a role that solely consisted of her screaming and crying on the floor, and then proceeding to fuck Billy Bob Thornton. Then of course came the post-Oscar blues of Catwoman, Gothika, etc. I think she has a bit of the same problem as Denzel - taking herself too goddam seriously. I want to see her in an intelligent romantic comedy about a woman with more relatable problems than her husband P. Diddy being on death row or being a cat-based superhero.
4. Penelope Cruz. I thought she was kind of a lightweight from her work in English-language movies, but holy shit, that girl packs a punch in Spanish. (Exhibit A: Volver.) So this is my direct plea to Miss Penelope: DO ONLY SPANISH MOVIES! Preferably with Pedro Almodovar. (Exhibits B and C: Live Flesh and All About My Mother.) I guess that isn't so much untapped potential as potential that needs to continue being tapped.
5. Tom Hanks. I would threaten to gouge out my own eyes if Tom Hanks stars as another all-American good guy, but that would ensure my own blindness in a matter of weeks. Here is my proposed career therapy for Mr. Hanks: play a bad guy. I don't mean rob a store to feed your children bad, I mean seriously fucked up and disturbed bad. Impossible! you say. Oh, it would definitely be a long shot, but it'd be the ultimate test of his acting ability. Look at Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet - he looks like he could be your grandpa, which makes it all the more disturbing when he gets high and absuses women. I want to see Tom Hanks play a guy who rapes children in a dark alley. Because honestly, the guys that usually do that don't look like Marvel supervillains - they look like Tom Hanks, your average all-American guy.
Top 5 Currently Working Actors with Untapped Potential
1. Bruce Willis. Yeah, I know, he does the action thing really well, and I liked him in Sin City and such. The Whole Nine Yards was a little contrived. But somewhere deep in there, there's an Oscar-winning role, I feel it. It'd be a dramedy about life - kinda Little Miss Sunshine-y. You couldn't domesticate him too much, but let him sit back, not blow things up, and ACT.
2. Denzel Washington. Before anyone punches me, YES, Denzel Washington is a very accomplished actor and he's won lots of awards. Okay. But I am SO TIRED of seeing him play cops. "Coming this summer: Denzel as a cop for the 967th time!" Stretch him a little. Get him out of his element. I can see him as the straight man in a quirky comedy - almost a bit of a self-parody of how intense he is.
3. Halle Berry. Maybe this one is more hopeful than truthful. I couldn't believe she won an Oscar for Monster's Ball, a role that solely consisted of her screaming and crying on the floor, and then proceeding to fuck Billy Bob Thornton. Then of course came the post-Oscar blues of Catwoman, Gothika, etc. I think she has a bit of the same problem as Denzel - taking herself too goddam seriously. I want to see her in an intelligent romantic comedy about a woman with more relatable problems than her husband P. Diddy being on death row or being a cat-based superhero.
4. Penelope Cruz. I thought she was kind of a lightweight from her work in English-language movies, but holy shit, that girl packs a punch in Spanish. (Exhibit A: Volver.) So this is my direct plea to Miss Penelope: DO ONLY SPANISH MOVIES! Preferably with Pedro Almodovar. (Exhibits B and C: Live Flesh and All About My Mother.) I guess that isn't so much untapped potential as potential that needs to continue being tapped.
5. Tom Hanks. I would threaten to gouge out my own eyes if Tom Hanks stars as another all-American good guy, but that would ensure my own blindness in a matter of weeks. Here is my proposed career therapy for Mr. Hanks: play a bad guy. I don't mean rob a store to feed your children bad, I mean seriously fucked up and disturbed bad. Impossible! you say. Oh, it would definitely be a long shot, but it'd be the ultimate test of his acting ability. Look at Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet - he looks like he could be your grandpa, which makes it all the more disturbing when he gets high and absuses women. I want to see Tom Hanks play a guy who rapes children in a dark alley. Because honestly, the guys that usually do that don't look like Marvel supervillains - they look like Tom Hanks, your average all-American guy.
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