June 2, 2008

A public service announcement regarding sex with celebrities

Picture this scenario: You are happily involved with a girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife/partner/significant other. You are at home alone, and they are out somewhere. Suddenly, without any rational explanation, the celebrity you have always fantasized about appears naked in your doorway and states their intent to make sweet, sweet love to you. What do you do? Forget momentarily that this would never, ever happen. Readers and friends - do you have a protocol in place for this situation?

I do.

My boyfriend and I, early in our relationship, each established our own List. The List refers to an assembling of celebrities chosen by your partner that you permit him/her to sleep with should the situation arise. The key is keeping the list short. Is it okay if your significant other hooks up with some reality TV slut at a party? No. But if they've been fantasizing about Jessica Biel for years, it's really only fair to let them have her if possible. Plus, that means you could shag your celeb of choice! (Retroactive additions to the list cannot be permitted.)
Please do not send me hate mail accusing me of being a homewrecker. I am in no way endorsing the active pursuit of the stars in question, because obviously no one should be doing that in a relationship. This is only if said celebrities fling themselves at you.

I think 3-5 celebrities is a fair number for your List. Mine includes Paul Rudd, Patrick Wilson, Simon Pegg, James McAvoy and Tony Leung. My boyfriend's consists of Scarlett Johansson, Tina Fey, Kristen Bell, and sometimes Kirsten Dunst ("drugs have not been good to her," he says). I conceded that Scarlett Johansson is so ridiculously attractive that if I found the two of them in a compromising position I would probably hop right in. I'm completely straight, but this line of reasoning provides a bonus for couples of a gay or partially gay persuasion: List overlap.

So, fair readers, I strongly recommend that you have this conversation with your loved one today - because somewhere down the line, it could save your relationship. One a more practical level, it proves whether or not they have the sense of humor necessary to engage in completely serious conversations about absurd hypothetical situations and can do so without freakish jealousy and possessiveness - because if not, you should probably break up with them anyway.


Big Mike Mendez said...

If the woman I love cannot respect my love for Monica Bellucci, then she can't love me.

Good post.

Michael said...

This post is so funny ! I like the part with Scarlett Johansson !

Toto said...

Moby is on my wife's list ... I just can't get over it!

Gene said...

I think my list would consist of Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, Eva Green, Ellen Page and Kate Winslet. My girlfriend's is made up of Viggo Mortensen, Nick Cave, Christian Bale and James McAvoy. Though both completely straight, our lists overlap in full. ;)

Managed Mischief said...


Patrick Wilson! You're not by chance a broadway fan are you? :) He'd be on my list too. Also - johnny depp.

My boyfriend's list has scarlett johansson on the list too...though i told him i'd want to be there because DAMN its scarlett johansson. :)

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Anonymous said...

Doesn't everyone do this? I mean, since they did it in Friends in 1996, I thoght that it was always understood that each person gets to have 5 celebrity free-bees. It's one of the first things I always would ask new guys.

words...words...words... said...

I'm going to have to go with Lauren Graham, Gina Gershon, and Sara Rue Before She Stopped Eating. (Does that count as a person?)

I think it's interesting how almost every straight woman makes an exception for Scarlett and also for Angelina Jolie. I think research needs to be done on why otherwise straight women are drawn to these particular actresses. It can't be just "they're hot", because lots of people are hot.

Julie said...

Yes, I suppose I am boring and predictable for being down with Scarlett. But I'm not an Angelina gal. She looks weirder and weirder the more you look at her, and plus, if we got it on she'd probably try to adopt fifteen third-world babies with me.