Today, at long last, I was noticed by industry professionals from Hollywood.
It did not, however, transpire in the manner I had always imagined.
There are two major films shooting in my native Boston right now: The Women (http://imdb.com/title/tt0430770/) and Bachelor No. 2 (http://imdb.com/title/tt1046163/). They're both all over the city, so I figured it would only be a matter of time before I stumbled onto one of the sets. Yesterday was the day. My boyfriend called and said that Bachelor No. 2 was filming near his apartment, if I wanted to come down and be a creepy celebrity stalker with him. Um, of course I did. So we follow the big trucks and sure enough, we come to a little set in an alley. There's a moderate crowd, and at first I don't see anyone famous. Boo. Then we see my boyfriend's roommate, who has apparently been staking out at this location for a while, and he has a prime viewing location. He points out Dane Cook to us, who I did not initially recognize because of his now-black hair. I found it weird that Mr. Cook, notorious fan-lover and MySpace celebrity, deliberately had his back to the crowd the whole time and looked pretty grumpy (oh and by the way, he's a native Bostonian). Then we see Jason Biggs on set too. I try to act cool, but I'm not. I am a starstruck tabloid whore, no denying it. I start taking pictures like everyone else. Of course they're sorta far away, and they're hard to see in the pictures even on maximum zoom, but it doesn't matter - I HAVE REAL-LIFE PIX OF CELEBRITIES OMG. So they're doing multiple takes of this one scene, and after a few times I figure out Dane's blocking so that I'm ready to take his picture when he gets as close to me as possible. I am always very vigilant about turning off my flash, primarily because it doesn't look as good but also in this case because it will mess things up. The crew seems kind of annoyed by the crowd and keeps telling us to be quiet and no flash photography, which I am complying with. I've turned my camera on and off a few times at this point, but I turned it back on when I was about to snap the money shot of Dane. I took the picture.
My flash went off.
It was at the very end of the shot, so they finished it up. But then everyone just stopped and looked really pissed. The crew started asking "Whose flash was that?" They were going up to random onlookers and asking if they were the culprit. I was petrified. I stood nailed to the spot. Somehow they didn't suspect me, even though I was pretty much front and center. I whispered to my boyfriend that we should go. We backed away slowly, and then sort of galloped away. And that's when I realized it:
I ruined a take of a major Hollywood movie.
This will be something I can hopefully confess with a laugh when I am a famous director years down the line, but for now, it's my dirty little secret. I may end up seeing the finished movie for this sole reason, knowing deep down that for like 73 seconds on September 29, 2007, Jason Biggs and Dane Cook were pissed at me.
September 30, 2007
September 8, 2007
What movies get wrong about sex - and why it matters
Movies get a lot of things wrong about sex. Most notable is that the majority of people that a person has sex with in his or her lifetime are not going to look anything like people in the movies! But things like that I begrudgingly accept, because movie stars have always been unnaturally good-looking. However, there is something I've noticed lately that I think is genuinely troubling and should be addressed - and changed.
In cinematic sex, there is no foreplay.
My boyfriend and I were recently having a discussion (which partially served as the inspiration for this post) in which we tried to think of non-pornographic American movies that featured "second base," or a man touching a female's breasts in a consentual sexual situation. I could think of only one, he could think of one where it may have happened (The Secret Lives of Dentists and The Squid and the Whale, respectively). That, my friends, is really fucked up. Boob contact has always been a very obvious, mainstream component of heterosexual intimacy. I remember when I saw the aforementioned The Secret Lives of Dentists - I was perhaps 16 years old. The film focuses on a married pair of dentists experiencing marital troubles. In one scene, the two of them start to get it on in their living room. They start, as is typical, by kissing, but then he unbuttons her shirt and starts to feel her up. I remember being stunned by this - not because it is strange or perverse in any way, but because I absolutely could not remember another movie in which it had happened. We're not talking about the dirty Sanchez or gay incestuous orgies here - we're talking about sexual touch of one of the more notoriously sexualized parts of the female anatomy. What's the deal?
I know that American media can be very prude - you need only see five minutes of a European film to figure that out. And if it was the 1940s and the only intimacy you ever showed was kissing, that would be fine. But for god's sake - American movies feature SEX! The original sin, the act that some consider to be so sacred or vile that it can only occur between spouses, the act that gay people are ostracized for performing - this act can happen anywhere from crappy action movies to surreal arthouse cinema.
I'm not just concerned with the lack of boob-grabbing, but the lack of foreplay in general. Europe, again, is better with this issue - the Pedro Almodovar film Matador, for example, features what has to be at least a two-minute shot of a man's roaming tongue. But I'm not even asking that it be shown - just acknowledged. Because like it or not, people learn about sex from the movies. And in the same way that movies get criticized for teaching society bad lessons about violence, I think they should be criticized for teaching society bad lessons about sex - but not in the way that some conservative people think.
Here is the average sex scene in an American movie: the foreplay consists solely of two people wanting to get with each other for a while. When they do, they make out for a bit, then rip off each other's clothes and shag real hard. And the woman always orgasms within, like, seconds. If you didn't grow up with liberal sex therapist parents, this might be your primary source of sex information.
But it's so, so wrong.
Here's something that even some married men don't know, let alone confused teenagers watching movies: the average woman usually requires at least 20 minutes of foreplay if she is to orgasm. Even if it's sex with Brad Pitt, it is a biological fact that it will take more than some passionate movie star kisses for a women to become naturally lubricated enough for penetration. According to sex therapist Dr. Ava Cadell, for every 30 minutes of sex, only a quarter to a third of it should be spent on actual intercourse. Ian Kerner, Ph.D. and author of "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" recommends at least 10 straight minutes of oral sex on a gal before you even think about penetration.
Hm...I can't remember the last time I saw anything remotely like that on a movie screen. Why is this detrimental? Because seeing inaccurate sex like that can make men, women, and couples frustrated and ashamed. Women may think, if Actress X can be over the moon with pleasure after a few thrusts from Actor Y...then why can't I? Men may form the impression that women don't really need foreplay to achieve pleasure from sex. Unlike movie-star looks, where there is well-documented knowledge of the disconnect between fantasy and reality, silver screen sex has yet to be widely exposed as fiction. People know that things like impossibly perfect mood lighting and music won't occur in real life, but there's no public outcry about how misleading the actual sex is.
Also, women in movies orgasm at the drop of a hat (or pants) - or at least reach a state of howling ecstasy within seconds. This, too, is a gross exaggeration. According to Women's Health magazine, only 25% of women surveyed achieved orgasm every time they had sex, compared to 90% of men asked the same question. So when the average girl without much sexual experience of her own sees these multiorgasmic super-creatures on screen, she may feel inadequate. This, too, is something where the fallacy has not been widely addressed. Mothers may tell their daughters "don't compare yourself to celebrities, honey, because they're airbrushed...you're beautiful how you are," but I doubt that most will tell their daughters "don't worry, honey, achieving orgasm is a complicated process that requires an attentive partner and lots of foreplay."
As a final, somewhat related issue, people having sex in movies rarely use any sort of protection. Oh, perhaps the girl is on the pill, or it's assumed that a condom was applied at some point, but this isn't good enough. Yes, I know it wouldn't be very sexy or cinematic to show someone laboriously putting on a condom, but there's no artistic harm done with a quick shot of a frenzied hand grabbing for one. Again, consciously or not, movies are in a position of power to educate and influence. Take the recent crackdown on smoking in films - not only has it sharply declined over the years, but now Disney has announced that smoking will be a factor that contributes to the rating of a film. The idea is that showing this irresponsible behavior without showing the consequences can glamourize the behavior and falsely educate impressionable audiences. Why shouldn't the same idea be applied to safe sex? I'll tell you why it won't happen - because some think that promoting safe sex to young people means promoting sex, period. But if people in movies are going at it anyway, then why shouldn't you show them being responsible?
In cinematic sex, there is no foreplay.
My boyfriend and I were recently having a discussion (which partially served as the inspiration for this post) in which we tried to think of non-pornographic American movies that featured "second base," or a man touching a female's breasts in a consentual sexual situation. I could think of only one, he could think of one where it may have happened (The Secret Lives of Dentists and The Squid and the Whale, respectively). That, my friends, is really fucked up. Boob contact has always been a very obvious, mainstream component of heterosexual intimacy. I remember when I saw the aforementioned The Secret Lives of Dentists - I was perhaps 16 years old. The film focuses on a married pair of dentists experiencing marital troubles. In one scene, the two of them start to get it on in their living room. They start, as is typical, by kissing, but then he unbuttons her shirt and starts to feel her up. I remember being stunned by this - not because it is strange or perverse in any way, but because I absolutely could not remember another movie in which it had happened. We're not talking about the dirty Sanchez or gay incestuous orgies here - we're talking about sexual touch of one of the more notoriously sexualized parts of the female anatomy. What's the deal?
I know that American media can be very prude - you need only see five minutes of a European film to figure that out. And if it was the 1940s and the only intimacy you ever showed was kissing, that would be fine. But for god's sake - American movies feature SEX! The original sin, the act that some consider to be so sacred or vile that it can only occur between spouses, the act that gay people are ostracized for performing - this act can happen anywhere from crappy action movies to surreal arthouse cinema.
I'm not just concerned with the lack of boob-grabbing, but the lack of foreplay in general. Europe, again, is better with this issue - the Pedro Almodovar film Matador, for example, features what has to be at least a two-minute shot of a man's roaming tongue. But I'm not even asking that it be shown - just acknowledged. Because like it or not, people learn about sex from the movies. And in the same way that movies get criticized for teaching society bad lessons about violence, I think they should be criticized for teaching society bad lessons about sex - but not in the way that some conservative people think.
Here is the average sex scene in an American movie: the foreplay consists solely of two people wanting to get with each other for a while. When they do, they make out for a bit, then rip off each other's clothes and shag real hard. And the woman always orgasms within, like, seconds. If you didn't grow up with liberal sex therapist parents, this might be your primary source of sex information.
But it's so, so wrong.
Here's something that even some married men don't know, let alone confused teenagers watching movies: the average woman usually requires at least 20 minutes of foreplay if she is to orgasm. Even if it's sex with Brad Pitt, it is a biological fact that it will take more than some passionate movie star kisses for a women to become naturally lubricated enough for penetration. According to sex therapist Dr. Ava Cadell, for every 30 minutes of sex, only a quarter to a third of it should be spent on actual intercourse. Ian Kerner, Ph.D. and author of "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman" recommends at least 10 straight minutes of oral sex on a gal before you even think about penetration.
Hm...I can't remember the last time I saw anything remotely like that on a movie screen. Why is this detrimental? Because seeing inaccurate sex like that can make men, women, and couples frustrated and ashamed. Women may think, if Actress X can be over the moon with pleasure after a few thrusts from Actor Y...then why can't I? Men may form the impression that women don't really need foreplay to achieve pleasure from sex. Unlike movie-star looks, where there is well-documented knowledge of the disconnect between fantasy and reality, silver screen sex has yet to be widely exposed as fiction. People know that things like impossibly perfect mood lighting and music won't occur in real life, but there's no public outcry about how misleading the actual sex is.
Also, women in movies orgasm at the drop of a hat (or pants) - or at least reach a state of howling ecstasy within seconds. This, too, is a gross exaggeration. According to Women's Health magazine, only 25% of women surveyed achieved orgasm every time they had sex, compared to 90% of men asked the same question. So when the average girl without much sexual experience of her own sees these multiorgasmic super-creatures on screen, she may feel inadequate. This, too, is something where the fallacy has not been widely addressed. Mothers may tell their daughters "don't compare yourself to celebrities, honey, because they're airbrushed...you're beautiful how you are," but I doubt that most will tell their daughters "don't worry, honey, achieving orgasm is a complicated process that requires an attentive partner and lots of foreplay."
So what is to be done? I am not asking for literal 20-minute sequences of foreplay. Rather, it would be a big relief to see at least some acknowledgement of the facts stated above. Perhaps show the beginning of a man's migration south of the border, leaving the audience to assume what happens next. Have a woman start out with soft whimpers, show a leap in time on a clock, and then show her wailing. Use fades to show the passage of time. Show a variety of positions. Show the women's face with the implication that the man is pleasuring her. Show sex not working. Or if all of this is too revolutionary, just show them afterward and avoid showing the sex at all. Whether they know it or not, filmmakers should feel a sense of responsibility to their viewers. You might argue, then, that it's irresponsible to show crazy violence. It's not. Most of us with have sex in our lifetimes; very few will get caught up in a violent mafia ring.
As a final, somewhat related issue, people having sex in movies rarely use any sort of protection. Oh, perhaps the girl is on the pill, or it's assumed that a condom was applied at some point, but this isn't good enough. Yes, I know it wouldn't be very sexy or cinematic to show someone laboriously putting on a condom, but there's no artistic harm done with a quick shot of a frenzied hand grabbing for one. Again, consciously or not, movies are in a position of power to educate and influence. Take the recent crackdown on smoking in films - not only has it sharply declined over the years, but now Disney has announced that smoking will be a factor that contributes to the rating of a film. The idea is that showing this irresponsible behavior without showing the consequences can glamourize the behavior and falsely educate impressionable audiences. Why shouldn't the same idea be applied to safe sex? I'll tell you why it won't happen - because some think that promoting safe sex to young people means promoting sex, period. But if people in movies are going at it anyway, then why shouldn't you show them being responsible?
September 2, 2007
Five lost classics worth checking out
Okay, I know that my use of the term "lost" will probably draw ire from some. I don't mean that they were literally buried in some vault, but rather that they inexplicably did not draw the attention they deserve. They all feature able directors, solid casts and Oscar nominations in some cases. Some are the "lesser-known" projects of famous directors. And before you get your panties in a bunch, I acknowledge that a few readers will claim to have known about these films since they were in utero. But I consider myself fairly well educated in cinematic history, and some of these I didn't even know existed until I saw them on a movie store shelf. So check them out and give them the attention and respect they desperately need.
1. Bad Day at Black Rock (1955)
How is Spencer Tracy so cool? Whether he's bitching out creationists in Inherit the Wind or bantering with Katharine Hepburn in one of their many comedies, he's just always the man. But I didn't realize how much he was truly the man until I saw this John Sturges film. He plays a one-armed stranger who comes to the sleepy town of Black Rock on a mysterious mission - and let's just say that the locals there don't like strangers. (According to IMDB, the character's disability wasn't in the original script, but they wanted Tracy so badly that they wrote it in, because they claimed that no actor could resist playing someone with a handicap.) Saying too much more would give it away, but I love movies where protagonists can defeat villains with their compassion and intellect instead of just guns, and Tracy takes all the hatred and ignorance with dignity. Received Oscar nominations for best screenplay, director, and actor for Tracy.
2. Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949)
Before Eddie Murphy was making movies where he was basically the entire cast, Alec Guinness did the same thing in this British film where he plays the complete extended family of Louis (Dennis Price). Basically, Louis vows to avenge his deceased mother's disinheritance by killing off all the family members that stand in his way of the money. It's black comedy at its darkest. Price is a suave, horrible and compulsively watchable slimeball with deadpan narration, and Guinness is a riot as eight vastly different characters. Despite its relatively below-the-radar status, it's in the IMDB Top 250 (as rated by users).
3. Night of the Iguana (1964)
I rarely rent a movie that I have not heard anything about previously - it takes a lot to sell me on it straight from the shelf. When I was checking in returns at work and this film dropped into my hands, however, I had to see it. A John Huston adaptation of a Tennessee Williams play with Richard Burton, Ava Gardner and Deborah Kerr? How had I not heard of it?! It certainly delivered, though, and launched my mild Richard Burton obsession. He plays a heavy-drinking, defrocked clergyman who now makes a living guiding tours in Mexico. Over the course of a few fateful days, he gets pursued by the criminally young Charlotte (Sue Lyon, reprising her Lolita shtick), meets up with old flame Maxine (Gardner), and does some soul-searching with stranger Hannah (Kerr). Like any Williams piece, it's talky and heavy, but the actors give amazing life to the material. It won an Oscar for best costume design, and was nominated for best cinematography, art direction and supporting actress for Grayson Hall (who plays the relatively small role of a bitchy group leader). I was seriously shocked that the three leads didn't get more recognition for their roles. You'd even think that the fame of the Huston name would have made it more well-known, but it has somehow slipped from everyone's memory.
4. Ace in the Hole (1951)
Billy Wilder seemed hell-bent on being impossible to classify. He could produce comedies, dramas, mysteries, satires, and noirs with equal ease. In his brilliant career, this film somehow got shuffled out of view - perhaps intentionally, because it was too dark and controversial. You thought Sunset Boulevard was cynical? This film makes that look like Mary Poppins. Kirk Douglas gives in a stunning, tour-de-force performance as a reporter who tries to make a media circus - and a career - out of a mine collapse (particularly relevant in the wake of the media-infested mine collapse in Utah). The message is clear, although Wilder doesn't violently smack you over the head with it. It might sound kind of boring, but the fact that the stakes are crazy high for every character from the get-go makes it utterly compelling. In describing it to a friend after viewing, all I could say was "scathing." Douglas deserved an Oscar and a half for this performance, but the film's only nomination was for its screenplay.
5. In the Heat of the Night (1967)
Where is the love for this film?! I mean, it did win a shitload of Oscars including Best Picture, but I feel that it was immediately forgotten afterward. (They did just include it in the new AFI list, which made me happy). I think it's because people approach Racial Issues Movies with apprehension. Done well, you can get Do the Right Thing - done poorly, you can get Crash (don't get me started on that). The key, I think, is subtlety. People running around screaming "I VEHEMENTLY DESPISE ALL BLACK PEOPLE" just makes for sloppy storytelling. Another reason that it may be fuzzily remembered is that in the very same year, star Sidney Poitier was in a similarly themed but ultimately very different movie - Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. Somehow, that emerged as the more famous of the two (it did pack the Hepburn-Tracy punch) - but I personally consider it to be the weaker one. In Dinner, Poitier plays Token Friendly Black Guy That Shakes Up Supposedly Liberal White Household; in Night, he's Awesome Badass Detective That Won't Take Rod Steiger's Shit. A sign of a good Racial Issues Movie is that characters express their racism through actions or even just stares, as opposed to spelling it out with words. Steiger had a good sense of this, and got an Oscar for his efforts. Oh, and there's also a totally sweet soul soundtrack that features Ray Charles doing the title song. This film rises above being a Racial Issues Movie to just being an incredible drama that excels in every aspect.
Bonus: All that Jazz (1979)
I made this a bonus one because I felt kinda funny labeling a 1979 film a "classic." Still, I couldn't leave it out entirely because it's a semi-autobiographical musical about death starring Captain Brody from Jaws SAY WHAT?! This is the musical that could beat up other musicals in a dark alley. Roy Scheider plays a slightly fictionalized version of director/choreographer Bob Fosse, whose destructive lifestyle causes him to have a heart attack and reevaluate his life. Song and dance numbers range from a highly erotic and highly naked avant-garde piece in a dance studio to a morbid but razzle-dazzle finale featuring women dressed as human hearts. I feel cliche saying this, but it really is like nothing I've seen before.
What "lost classics" can you recommend?
1. Bad Day at Black Rock (1955)
How is Spencer Tracy so cool? Whether he's bitching out creationists in Inherit the Wind or bantering with Katharine Hepburn in one of their many comedies, he's just always the man. But I didn't realize how much he was truly the man until I saw this John Sturges film. He plays a one-armed stranger who comes to the sleepy town of Black Rock on a mysterious mission - and let's just say that the locals there don't like strangers. (According to IMDB, the character's disability wasn't in the original script, but they wanted Tracy so badly that they wrote it in, because they claimed that no actor could resist playing someone with a handicap.) Saying too much more would give it away, but I love movies where protagonists can defeat villains with their compassion and intellect instead of just guns, and Tracy takes all the hatred and ignorance with dignity. Received Oscar nominations for best screenplay, director, and actor for Tracy.
2. Kind Hearts and Coronets (1949)
Before Eddie Murphy was making movies where he was basically the entire cast, Alec Guinness did the same thing in this British film where he plays the complete extended family of Louis (Dennis Price). Basically, Louis vows to avenge his deceased mother's disinheritance by killing off all the family members that stand in his way of the money. It's black comedy at its darkest. Price is a suave, horrible and compulsively watchable slimeball with deadpan narration, and Guinness is a riot as eight vastly different characters. Despite its relatively below-the-radar status, it's in the IMDB Top 250 (as rated by users).
3. Night of the Iguana (1964)
I rarely rent a movie that I have not heard anything about previously - it takes a lot to sell me on it straight from the shelf. When I was checking in returns at work and this film dropped into my hands, however, I had to see it. A John Huston adaptation of a Tennessee Williams play with Richard Burton, Ava Gardner and Deborah Kerr? How had I not heard of it?! It certainly delivered, though, and launched my mild Richard Burton obsession. He plays a heavy-drinking, defrocked clergyman who now makes a living guiding tours in Mexico. Over the course of a few fateful days, he gets pursued by the criminally young Charlotte (Sue Lyon, reprising her Lolita shtick), meets up with old flame Maxine (Gardner), and does some soul-searching with stranger Hannah (Kerr). Like any Williams piece, it's talky and heavy, but the actors give amazing life to the material. It won an Oscar for best costume design, and was nominated for best cinematography, art direction and supporting actress for Grayson Hall (who plays the relatively small role of a bitchy group leader). I was seriously shocked that the three leads didn't get more recognition for their roles. You'd even think that the fame of the Huston name would have made it more well-known, but it has somehow slipped from everyone's memory.
4. Ace in the Hole (1951)
Billy Wilder seemed hell-bent on being impossible to classify. He could produce comedies, dramas, mysteries, satires, and noirs with equal ease. In his brilliant career, this film somehow got shuffled out of view - perhaps intentionally, because it was too dark and controversial. You thought Sunset Boulevard was cynical? This film makes that look like Mary Poppins. Kirk Douglas gives in a stunning, tour-de-force performance as a reporter who tries to make a media circus - and a career - out of a mine collapse (particularly relevant in the wake of the media-infested mine collapse in Utah). The message is clear, although Wilder doesn't violently smack you over the head with it. It might sound kind of boring, but the fact that the stakes are crazy high for every character from the get-go makes it utterly compelling. In describing it to a friend after viewing, all I could say was "scathing." Douglas deserved an Oscar and a half for this performance, but the film's only nomination was for its screenplay.
5. In the Heat of the Night (1967)
Where is the love for this film?! I mean, it did win a shitload of Oscars including Best Picture, but I feel that it was immediately forgotten afterward. (They did just include it in the new AFI list, which made me happy). I think it's because people approach Racial Issues Movies with apprehension. Done well, you can get Do the Right Thing - done poorly, you can get Crash (don't get me started on that). The key, I think, is subtlety. People running around screaming "I VEHEMENTLY DESPISE ALL BLACK PEOPLE" just makes for sloppy storytelling. Another reason that it may be fuzzily remembered is that in the very same year, star Sidney Poitier was in a similarly themed but ultimately very different movie - Guess Who's Coming to Dinner. Somehow, that emerged as the more famous of the two (it did pack the Hepburn-Tracy punch) - but I personally consider it to be the weaker one. In Dinner, Poitier plays Token Friendly Black Guy That Shakes Up Supposedly Liberal White Household; in Night, he's Awesome Badass Detective That Won't Take Rod Steiger's Shit. A sign of a good Racial Issues Movie is that characters express their racism through actions or even just stares, as opposed to spelling it out with words. Steiger had a good sense of this, and got an Oscar for his efforts. Oh, and there's also a totally sweet soul soundtrack that features Ray Charles doing the title song. This film rises above being a Racial Issues Movie to just being an incredible drama that excels in every aspect.
Bonus: All that Jazz (1979)
I made this a bonus one because I felt kinda funny labeling a 1979 film a "classic." Still, I couldn't leave it out entirely because it's a semi-autobiographical musical about death starring Captain Brody from Jaws SAY WHAT?! This is the musical that could beat up other musicals in a dark alley. Roy Scheider plays a slightly fictionalized version of director/choreographer Bob Fosse, whose destructive lifestyle causes him to have a heart attack and reevaluate his life. Song and dance numbers range from a highly erotic and highly naked avant-garde piece in a dance studio to a morbid but razzle-dazzle finale featuring women dressed as human hearts. I feel cliche saying this, but it really is like nothing I've seen before.
What "lost classics" can you recommend?
August 21, 2007
10 movies I am supposed to like, but don't - and why
You know that awful feeling when you don't like a film that has received unanimous critical and popular acclaim? You're sitting around with your friends, and they're talking about how great it is, and you don't know whether to pipe up with your opinion and risk being ridiculed and ostracized. Well, I am about to take that risk, and share with you movies that I am "supposed" to like, but don't - and why. Hopefully none of you know where I live. WARNING: Spoilers follow.
- Children of Men
Why I should have liked it: Several Oscar nominations, solid cast, promise of a good story.
Why I didn't: As promised, this film delivered amazing cinematography and visuals - I can't deny that. And I was very intrigued by the premise that woman worldwide suddenly became infertile and the human race risked extinction. Too bad they didn't flesh out that idea AT ALL. I wasn't looking for a scientific play-by-play of why...I just wanted them to explore it more. The film, despite praise for its provocative rendering of the future, is so minimalistic and unexplained that it's basically a glorified road/chase movie. A girl becomes miraculously pregnant (again, no reason given) and Clive Owen and Co. have to smuggle her to The Human Project, which they don't explain either. The characters get killed off carelessly. Julianne Moore, whose character shows promise and an interesting backstory with Owen's, dies unceremoniously about 8 minutes into her screen time. That, my friend, is a waste of Julianne Moore. Michael Caine gets offed too, and Clive-dawg dies right at the end. I get it. These individuals have to die so mankind can survive. What's that vague throbbing pain I feel? Oh, it's this movie whacking me violently over the head with its message. Plus, they just show the pregnant girl (who has since given birth to her baby) arriving at a boat that supposedly contains members of The Human Project. They don't even show her getting on the boat! I kept thinking how funny it would be if the boat didn't see her and left. Maybe her baby is sickly (um hello, it was about six weeks premature and spent the first couple of days of its life in a war zone) and it dies the second she gets on the boat. Oops, sorry, human race.
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Why I should have liked it: Won the coveted 5-Oscar sweep (Best Picture, Actor, Actress, Director, Screenplay), inclusion in the AFI Top 100, Jack Nicholson finally channeling his craziness into a movie about a mental institution.
Why I didn't: You'd think that a movie about crazy people would have a lot of energy, but this film just seemed lethargic to me. Maybe it's the 3-hour running time. You see, I have a short attention span. I am not opposed to long movies, but if it goes for one nanosecond over two hours, it better be fucking captivating. I had absolutely no problem with Gone With the Wind being four hours long, because I feel that every minute was entertaining and justified. But a film this slow and psychological just can't be this long. Plus, everyone's obsessed with Louise Fletcher's performance as Nurse Ratched (for which she won an Oscar) but I wasn't terribly impressed. She just reminded me of my uptight 11th-grade chemistry teacher who really needed to get laid.
- M
Why I should have liked it: It's a universally praised 1931 German thriller by Fritz Lang starring Peter Lorre as a child killer! Fun!
Why I didn't: Seriously though, I was kind of excited to watch this. It let me down. In fact, I only got through about 30-45 minutes. Petey didn't even show up til pretty far in, so it was just a bunch of unknown German actors running around with mild concern because they couldn't find their kids. I could see that at a playground. Maybe it gets better later on, but I don't know if I can sit through enough to find out.
- Blade Runner
Why I should have liked it: Hailed by some as the greatest sci-fi movie ever, just got included in the revamped AFI Top 100 list, cult favorite.
Why I didn't: In the film's defense, I think its 78 different versions hurt it. Okay, there's only about 6, but that's still a few too many versions. I saw the director's cut, just because it was the version available to rent. I did think that the futuristic vision of L.A. was pretty cool. But Harrison Ford's acting ineptitude is just unbearable to watch. I recently read an article that accused Ford of constantly having his mouth hanging open to look dramatic and pensive. It's painful. He shows the dramatic range of celery. The still unanswered question as to whether Ford's character is a replicant is also problematic. It'd be fine to just leave it open, but Ridley Scott and Ford keep having these arguments about it (Scott allegedly said he was a replicant; Ford said that he and Scott had explicitly agreed that he wasn't) that I think weaken the film. The love story seems forced, and Daryl Hannah's character is just fuckin weird. Sorry, Blade Runner.
- Lord of the Rings
Why I should have liked it: The third one won best picture and got included in the new AFI Top 100, film snobs and Tolkien nerds alike hold it in high regard
Why I didn't: I only saw the first one, but I already know I couldn't deal with the other two. I think to fully enjoy them, you have to have a huge boner for the books, or at least the characters. I didn't. We read "The Hobbit" in 7th grade and I was not impressed (although I did deliver a stunning performance as Thorin in our class' movie adaptation). Also, I am not interested in movies with such an epic scope. Whether it's the Civil War or Middle Earth, I don't like wrapping my brain around that much in one movie. I prefer movies that focus on the lives of just a few people. When Return of the King won Best Picture in 2003, resulting in a united asthmatic wheeze of joy from nerds everywhere, I found it strange that among its numerous nominations, there was not a single acting nomination. How do you have a strong movie without good acting?
- My Fair Lady
Why I should have liked it: Won Best Picture and Best Actor, inclusion in the AFI Top 100, my undying love for musicals.
Why I didn't: The movie should really be called "An Hour of Audrey Hepburn Screaming, Followed By a Forced Love Story." Seriously, the beginning of this film made me want to honorably retire my ears. I get it, she's a Cockney flower girl - but I didn't know that "Cockney flower girl" was synonymous with "autistic indecipherable screaming bitch." Once Rex Harrison's character "tames" her, she falls for him. Because if there's one thing women love, it's men that spend months torturing and ridiculing them until they have proper grammar. At the end, AuHeps runs away, decides she loves him, and goes back, and then it ends with him telling her to get him his slippers. Great. A blissful life of chauvinistic domination awaits her. Oh, and did I mention that it's 3 hours long?
- The Sting
Why I should have liked it: It won Best Picture in 1973, and it stars Robert Redford and Paul Newman.
Why I didn't: I made it through about an hour. It's all fine and good, but I realized the problem - it has no oomph. It was in the drama section at the video store, but it's not dramatic. It's not that funny either. It's not really action-packed. It was just kind of matter-of-fact, like someone describing their day at work. That's not what I want from movies. Oh, and I think I was expecting Paul Newman to look as delicious as he did in the 1950s. Damn aging!
- Sideways
Why I should have liked it: I liked Alexander Payne's other directing work, Oscar for best adapted screenplay, seemingly indie and quirky.
Why I didn't: I saw this in the theater, and perhaps my impression of it is tainted because I was new to driving at the time and got terribly lost on the way home. Anyway, this must have come out amongst a sea of pure cinematic crap, because it got hailed as the most unique and indie thing of all time. It's not. Writer/director Alexander Payne is very hit or miss. He wrote the (adapted) screenplays for Election and About Schmidt...but he also wrote the screenplays for Jurassic Park III and some softcore porn. Hm. Thoms Haden Church's character is fun, but Paul Giamatti's character in this is just plain unlikeable. He's a grumpy, frumpy, whiny alcoholic. As we all know, women totally go gaga for men like that, and Maya (Virginia Madsen) is no exception. Except...no. That would never happen. The part where I really threw up in my mouth a little, though, is when Maya and Miles (Giamatti) are talking about pinot wine, during a Deep Moment of Mutual Sharing. What transpires here is a Blatant Comparison of Miles to Pinot As Written By A Developmentally Delayed Third Grader. "Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot's potential can then coax it into its fullest expression"?!?! Oh wait, you guys, see, like, Miles is socially challenged, so I think A. Payne is actually talking about MILES here and saying you have to be patient with him or something. WHOA.
- Manhattan
Why I should have liked it: I like Woody Allen, and this is hailed as one of his best.
Why I didn't: I don't like watching Woody Allen carry on a relationship with a 17-year-old for two hours. It was just too creepy - and prophetic. Plus, the entire movie was just really depressing, but then Muriel Hemingway says some catchy happy bullshit at the very end and it's all better? Not.
- Vertigo
Why I should have liked it: I'd never met a Hitchcock movie I didn't like, it soared up the AFI list this time around.
Why I didn't: I don't know. Something just didn't click with me. I found the plot confusing, the characters unsympathetic, the ending weird. I know I am probably alone here.
So there you have it. I have probably made many enemies here today, but hopefully I've also made some friends who can sympathize with the feeling of not liking a popular movie. What movies tickle everyone's fancy but yours? Comments welcome, but please don't try to convert me to liking the above selections. Live and let live, people.
- Children of Men
Why I should have liked it: Several Oscar nominations, solid cast, promise of a good story.
Why I didn't: As promised, this film delivered amazing cinematography and visuals - I can't deny that. And I was very intrigued by the premise that woman worldwide suddenly became infertile and the human race risked extinction. Too bad they didn't flesh out that idea AT ALL. I wasn't looking for a scientific play-by-play of why...I just wanted them to explore it more. The film, despite praise for its provocative rendering of the future, is so minimalistic and unexplained that it's basically a glorified road/chase movie. A girl becomes miraculously pregnant (again, no reason given) and Clive Owen and Co. have to smuggle her to The Human Project, which they don't explain either. The characters get killed off carelessly. Julianne Moore, whose character shows promise and an interesting backstory with Owen's, dies unceremoniously about 8 minutes into her screen time. That, my friend, is a waste of Julianne Moore. Michael Caine gets offed too, and Clive-dawg dies right at the end. I get it. These individuals have to die so mankind can survive. What's that vague throbbing pain I feel? Oh, it's this movie whacking me violently over the head with its message. Plus, they just show the pregnant girl (who has since given birth to her baby) arriving at a boat that supposedly contains members of The Human Project. They don't even show her getting on the boat! I kept thinking how funny it would be if the boat didn't see her and left. Maybe her baby is sickly (um hello, it was about six weeks premature and spent the first couple of days of its life in a war zone) and it dies the second she gets on the boat. Oops, sorry, human race.
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Why I should have liked it: Won the coveted 5-Oscar sweep (Best Picture, Actor, Actress, Director, Screenplay), inclusion in the AFI Top 100, Jack Nicholson finally channeling his craziness into a movie about a mental institution.
Why I didn't: You'd think that a movie about crazy people would have a lot of energy, but this film just seemed lethargic to me. Maybe it's the 3-hour running time. You see, I have a short attention span. I am not opposed to long movies, but if it goes for one nanosecond over two hours, it better be fucking captivating. I had absolutely no problem with Gone With the Wind being four hours long, because I feel that every minute was entertaining and justified. But a film this slow and psychological just can't be this long. Plus, everyone's obsessed with Louise Fletcher's performance as Nurse Ratched (for which she won an Oscar) but I wasn't terribly impressed. She just reminded me of my uptight 11th-grade chemistry teacher who really needed to get laid.
- M
Why I should have liked it: It's a universally praised 1931 German thriller by Fritz Lang starring Peter Lorre as a child killer! Fun!
Why I didn't: Seriously though, I was kind of excited to watch this. It let me down. In fact, I only got through about 30-45 minutes. Petey didn't even show up til pretty far in, so it was just a bunch of unknown German actors running around with mild concern because they couldn't find their kids. I could see that at a playground. Maybe it gets better later on, but I don't know if I can sit through enough to find out.
- Blade Runner
Why I should have liked it: Hailed by some as the greatest sci-fi movie ever, just got included in the revamped AFI Top 100 list, cult favorite.
Why I didn't: In the film's defense, I think its 78 different versions hurt it. Okay, there's only about 6, but that's still a few too many versions. I saw the director's cut, just because it was the version available to rent. I did think that the futuristic vision of L.A. was pretty cool. But Harrison Ford's acting ineptitude is just unbearable to watch. I recently read an article that accused Ford of constantly having his mouth hanging open to look dramatic and pensive. It's painful. He shows the dramatic range of celery. The still unanswered question as to whether Ford's character is a replicant is also problematic. It'd be fine to just leave it open, but Ridley Scott and Ford keep having these arguments about it (Scott allegedly said he was a replicant; Ford said that he and Scott had explicitly agreed that he wasn't) that I think weaken the film. The love story seems forced, and Daryl Hannah's character is just fuckin weird. Sorry, Blade Runner.
- Lord of the Rings
Why I should have liked it: The third one won best picture and got included in the new AFI Top 100, film snobs and Tolkien nerds alike hold it in high regard
Why I didn't: I only saw the first one, but I already know I couldn't deal with the other two. I think to fully enjoy them, you have to have a huge boner for the books, or at least the characters. I didn't. We read "The Hobbit" in 7th grade and I was not impressed (although I did deliver a stunning performance as Thorin in our class' movie adaptation). Also, I am not interested in movies with such an epic scope. Whether it's the Civil War or Middle Earth, I don't like wrapping my brain around that much in one movie. I prefer movies that focus on the lives of just a few people. When Return of the King won Best Picture in 2003, resulting in a united asthmatic wheeze of joy from nerds everywhere, I found it strange that among its numerous nominations, there was not a single acting nomination. How do you have a strong movie without good acting?
- My Fair Lady
Why I should have liked it: Won Best Picture and Best Actor, inclusion in the AFI Top 100, my undying love for musicals.
Why I didn't: The movie should really be called "An Hour of Audrey Hepburn Screaming, Followed By a Forced Love Story." Seriously, the beginning of this film made me want to honorably retire my ears. I get it, she's a Cockney flower girl - but I didn't know that "Cockney flower girl" was synonymous with "autistic indecipherable screaming bitch." Once Rex Harrison's character "tames" her, she falls for him. Because if there's one thing women love, it's men that spend months torturing and ridiculing them until they have proper grammar. At the end, AuHeps runs away, decides she loves him, and goes back, and then it ends with him telling her to get him his slippers. Great. A blissful life of chauvinistic domination awaits her. Oh, and did I mention that it's 3 hours long?
- The Sting
Why I should have liked it: It won Best Picture in 1973, and it stars Robert Redford and Paul Newman.
Why I didn't: I made it through about an hour. It's all fine and good, but I realized the problem - it has no oomph. It was in the drama section at the video store, but it's not dramatic. It's not that funny either. It's not really action-packed. It was just kind of matter-of-fact, like someone describing their day at work. That's not what I want from movies. Oh, and I think I was expecting Paul Newman to look as delicious as he did in the 1950s. Damn aging!
- Sideways
Why I should have liked it: I liked Alexander Payne's other directing work, Oscar for best adapted screenplay, seemingly indie and quirky.
Why I didn't: I saw this in the theater, and perhaps my impression of it is tainted because I was new to driving at the time and got terribly lost on the way home. Anyway, this must have come out amongst a sea of pure cinematic crap, because it got hailed as the most unique and indie thing of all time. It's not. Writer/director Alexander Payne is very hit or miss. He wrote the (adapted) screenplays for Election and About Schmidt...but he also wrote the screenplays for Jurassic Park III and some softcore porn. Hm. Thoms Haden Church's character is fun, but Paul Giamatti's character in this is just plain unlikeable. He's a grumpy, frumpy, whiny alcoholic. As we all know, women totally go gaga for men like that, and Maya (Virginia Madsen) is no exception. Except...no. That would never happen. The part where I really threw up in my mouth a little, though, is when Maya and Miles (Giamatti) are talking about pinot wine, during a Deep Moment of Mutual Sharing. What transpires here is a Blatant Comparison of Miles to Pinot As Written By A Developmentally Delayed Third Grader. "Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot's potential can then coax it into its fullest expression"?!?! Oh wait, you guys, see, like, Miles is socially challenged, so I think A. Payne is actually talking about MILES here and saying you have to be patient with him or something. WHOA.
- Manhattan
Why I should have liked it: I like Woody Allen, and this is hailed as one of his best.
Why I didn't: I don't like watching Woody Allen carry on a relationship with a 17-year-old for two hours. It was just too creepy - and prophetic. Plus, the entire movie was just really depressing, but then Muriel Hemingway says some catchy happy bullshit at the very end and it's all better? Not.
- Vertigo
Why I should have liked it: I'd never met a Hitchcock movie I didn't like, it soared up the AFI list this time around.
Why I didn't: I don't know. Something just didn't click with me. I found the plot confusing, the characters unsympathetic, the ending weird. I know I am probably alone here.
So there you have it. I have probably made many enemies here today, but hopefully I've also made some friends who can sympathize with the feeling of not liking a popular movie. What movies tickle everyone's fancy but yours? Comments welcome, but please don't try to convert me to liking the above selections. Live and let live, people.
Wild Hogs Bonanza
At the video store I work at, the manager ordered 14 copies of the movie Wild Hogs.
Fourteen.
Let me give you a sense of scale here. We're not Blockbuster, we don't have 50-75 copies of the hottest new movie. We're small and independent. Some numbers for you:
- Norbit, which was a box office success and highly asked about in the months preceding its DVD release: 4 copies
- The Departed, which eventually won the Oscar for best picture, boasted an amazing cast and director, and had everyone from film snobs to grubby townies excited because it took place in Boston: 20 copies (I think 20 is our maximum)
So that puts Wild Hogs, which had been asked about to a moderate degree, nearly in a league with arguably the most popular movie ever to hit our store. None of the employees can explain this. There are just too many. One employee decided to have some fun with it.
This employee is usually rather quiet and serious, so I wouldn't expect this from him. His claimed that the maneuver was in the name of profit, but I think it was a dry sense of humor. He mentioned something about a Wild Hogs "section" that he organized. I went over to take a look, and found that he had arranged the copies to take up an entire shelf, and added the following sign:
Fourteen.
Let me give you a sense of scale here. We're not Blockbuster, we don't have 50-75 copies of the hottest new movie. We're small and independent. Some numbers for you:
- Norbit, which was a box office success and highly asked about in the months preceding its DVD release: 4 copies
- The Departed, which eventually won the Oscar for best picture, boasted an amazing cast and director, and had everyone from film snobs to grubby townies excited because it took place in Boston: 20 copies (I think 20 is our maximum)
So that puts Wild Hogs, which had been asked about to a moderate degree, nearly in a league with arguably the most popular movie ever to hit our store. None of the employees can explain this. There are just too many. One employee decided to have some fun with it.
This employee is usually rather quiet and serious, so I wouldn't expect this from him. His claimed that the maneuver was in the name of profit, but I think it was a dry sense of humor. He mentioned something about a Wild Hogs "section" that he organized. I went over to take a look, and found that he had arranged the copies to take up an entire shelf, and added the following sign:
August 17, 2007
Marquee Makeovers: Imaginary Re-Dos of Current and Recent Movies with Classic Directors
I'm not going to take the fatalistic approach of many self-appointed film scholars and say that modern-day cinema is all crap. It's not. I've seen some great movies this summer - why just a few days ago, Superbad renewed my faith in the teen sex comedy. (The fact that it was written by a 14-year-old Seth Rogen and his friend - and has writing that kicks the ass of most of its peers - is a huge slap in the face to Hollywood. But I digress.)
Having said that, there IS a lot of crap out there. For everyone who moans about the demise of artistic, meaningful cinema, I have news for you: mad scientists in a volcano somewhere have discovered that these here moving pictures make MONEY. Money can buy you toupees and sports cars so people will have sex with you. As aging Hollywood bigwigs do not wish to remain celibate, they make crap. I know this is the system, but still a little part of me dies whenever somebody rents Wild Hogs at the video store.
I can't change the system. But I can create fantasies in this blog. So, without further ado, I present to you my dream "marquee makeovers" - pairing classic, talented directors with recent craptastic movies to see if they couldn't fix em up a little.
1. License to Wed, as directed by Alfred Hitchcock
The real movie: Sadie (Mandy Moore) and Ben (John Krasinski) are engaged, but a wacky reverend (Robin Williams) insists on putting them through a series of tests to determine their readiness for marriage.
The Hitchcock version: Hitchcock once lamented that he was a typecast director, and that if he directed Cinderella, "the audience would immediately be looking for a body in the coach." Well, sorry, Hitch, it's gonna continue here. Lovely Sadie has a whirlwind romance with dashing Ben, a man with a mysterious past. Despite knowing little about him, she enthusiastically accepts when he proposes. Her family doesn't approve of the union, so to get their approval, she enlists the blessing of a local reverend who is new in town. He agrees to bless the couple and perform the wedding only if they undergo a series of tasks to prove their devotion. Unbeknownst to Sadie and Ben, this man is only posing as a reverend to hide from the police, as he is wanted for several murders! The reverend's tasks are just an excuse for him to monitor their every move. Meanwhile, Sadie's relationship with Ben has become strained, as he has started acting strange. He is fed up with the tasks and just wants to elope somewhere and begin anew. One day, Sadie goes to the reverend to discuss the tension in her relationship, and he suggests they go for a walk. Back at the house, Ben is reading the newspaper and there is a picture of the reverend and a headline describing him as a wanted killer. Realizing that his fiancee is alone with this madman, he races to the church. By now, the reverend has already led Sadie into the woods, so Ben runs around like mad trying to find them. He sees them in the woods and shoots the reverend dead. He explains it all to Sadie, and they go to the police. Except you never know if the reverend was really trying to kill them OMG!
2. Blades of Glory, as directed by Billy Wilder
The real movie: Chazz Michael Michaels (Will Ferrell) and Jimmy McElroy (Jon Heder) are figure skaters disqualified from competing in the mens' singles anymore, so they compete as a pairs team.
The Wilder movie: Billy Wilder takes you inside the cutthroat and ethically ambiguous world of men's figure skating. Chazz Michael Michaels used to be the figure skating king back in the day, but an aging body, a flurry of scandals and a love of liquor caused him to fall from grace. Jimmy McElroy is the new kid to the sport, unspoilt by its demanding nature. Despite his skill and youthful optimism, Jimmy doesn't make the cut for the Olympic men's singles competition. Chazz, desperate to get back in the game and reclaim his glory, pounces on the naive Jimmy and offers to defy convention and become a pairs team with him. Jimmy idolizes Chazz and accepts the offer immediately. The trouble is, the public doesn't want any more of Chazz, and their partnership starts to tarnish Jimmy's image. Jimmy realizes this, but dumping Chazz would mean sacrificing his spot in the Olympic team. He tries to wait it out, knowing he'll lose the dead weight immediately after and be a star in his own right. Chazz, meanwhile, realizes that his plan to use Jimmy has backfired, and seeks his revenge. At the Olympics, Chazz gets violently drunk and takes several pills before he is to compete. He is a disaster out on the ice, dropping Jimmy in almost every lift and causing him to be seriously injured. At the end of the routine, Chazz collapses dead from the drugs next to a stunned and wounded Jimmy.
3. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, as directed by Woody Allen
The real movie: Chuck (Adam Sandler) and Larry (Kevin James) are two hetero firefighters who fake a domestic partnership for the benefits.
The Allen version: Chuck is Jewish, which is half the screenplay right there. Then add a lot of shots of New York. Then the two actually fall in love, and date for a while, but decide it won't work out.
4. Rush Hour 3 as directed by John Huston
The real movie: Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker are back, and now they're fighting the Chinese mafia in Paris or something. Whatever. Hey, isn't it funny that they have trouble understanding each other?
The Huston version: Chan and Tucker (does anyone even know their character names?) are jaded cops who reluctantly go to Paris despite fatigue and indifference. They're hunting for an enigmatic and charismatic mobster who is smuggling a valuable and stolen amulet across country borders. Their search takes them to the Swiss Alps, where they get lost among the terrain. There are signs that the mobster was there, but they are difficult to follow. The days are long and the pair engages in lots of intense dialogue about life. Chan starts to go kind of nuts and becomes suspicious that Tucker wants to kill him, so he runs away while Tucker sleeps to hunt the villains on his own. Tucker awakes and figures that the bad guys have captured his trusted partner, so he goes in heated pursuit. He encounters the mobster and his posse, who outnumber him and shoot him to death. Chan, meanwhile, sets up a complicated trap utilizing his natural surroundings, which the villains fall into nicely. Victorious, Chan delivers a scathing monologue to his captives, and then walks off into the sunset.
5. Evan Almighty as directed by Orson Welles (and yes, I am familiar with Welles' directing career outside of Citizen Kane)
The real movie: In this sequel to Bruce Almighty, God (Morgan Freeman) warns Evan (Steve Carrell) of an impending flood, and instructs him to build an ark, a la Noah.
The Welles version: Evan grew up poor, but has worked his way up and became a successful businessman. Now rich and arrogant, he believes that he begins to hear the voice of God telling him to build an ark. He does. He alienates his family and friends and becomes a huge jerk. But he also employs lots of people to help, and soon creates a thriving ark-building empire. The police get word of this profitable operation and decide to steal it from Evan and claim it as their own, because it's an Orson Welles movie so the cops are corrupt. Evan doesn't really notice this, because one of his workers has a femme-fatale-ish wife who hangs around all day and flirts shamelessly with Evan, who falls hard for her. They make secret plans to escape together on the ark. But then the woman's husband turns up dead, with Evan as the prime suspect. Scared for his life, he forgets all about the woman and runs away. He falls ill, and unable to seek medical attention because the police would surely find him then, he dies alone, leaving a trail of broken hearts and corruption. Did I mention that all of the above is shadowy and full of deep-focus cinematography?
What other good makeovers can you think of?
Having said that, there IS a lot of crap out there. For everyone who moans about the demise of artistic, meaningful cinema, I have news for you: mad scientists in a volcano somewhere have discovered that these here moving pictures make MONEY. Money can buy you toupees and sports cars so people will have sex with you. As aging Hollywood bigwigs do not wish to remain celibate, they make crap. I know this is the system, but still a little part of me dies whenever somebody rents Wild Hogs at the video store.
I can't change the system. But I can create fantasies in this blog. So, without further ado, I present to you my dream "marquee makeovers" - pairing classic, talented directors with recent craptastic movies to see if they couldn't fix em up a little.
1. License to Wed, as directed by Alfred Hitchcock
The real movie: Sadie (Mandy Moore) and Ben (John Krasinski) are engaged, but a wacky reverend (Robin Williams) insists on putting them through a series of tests to determine their readiness for marriage.
The Hitchcock version: Hitchcock once lamented that he was a typecast director, and that if he directed Cinderella, "the audience would immediately be looking for a body in the coach." Well, sorry, Hitch, it's gonna continue here. Lovely Sadie has a whirlwind romance with dashing Ben, a man with a mysterious past. Despite knowing little about him, she enthusiastically accepts when he proposes. Her family doesn't approve of the union, so to get their approval, she enlists the blessing of a local reverend who is new in town. He agrees to bless the couple and perform the wedding only if they undergo a series of tasks to prove their devotion. Unbeknownst to Sadie and Ben, this man is only posing as a reverend to hide from the police, as he is wanted for several murders! The reverend's tasks are just an excuse for him to monitor their every move. Meanwhile, Sadie's relationship with Ben has become strained, as he has started acting strange. He is fed up with the tasks and just wants to elope somewhere and begin anew. One day, Sadie goes to the reverend to discuss the tension in her relationship, and he suggests they go for a walk. Back at the house, Ben is reading the newspaper and there is a picture of the reverend and a headline describing him as a wanted killer. Realizing that his fiancee is alone with this madman, he races to the church. By now, the reverend has already led Sadie into the woods, so Ben runs around like mad trying to find them. He sees them in the woods and shoots the reverend dead. He explains it all to Sadie, and they go to the police. Except you never know if the reverend was really trying to kill them OMG!
2. Blades of Glory, as directed by Billy Wilder
The real movie: Chazz Michael Michaels (Will Ferrell) and Jimmy McElroy (Jon Heder) are figure skaters disqualified from competing in the mens' singles anymore, so they compete as a pairs team.
The Wilder movie: Billy Wilder takes you inside the cutthroat and ethically ambiguous world of men's figure skating. Chazz Michael Michaels used to be the figure skating king back in the day, but an aging body, a flurry of scandals and a love of liquor caused him to fall from grace. Jimmy McElroy is the new kid to the sport, unspoilt by its demanding nature. Despite his skill and youthful optimism, Jimmy doesn't make the cut for the Olympic men's singles competition. Chazz, desperate to get back in the game and reclaim his glory, pounces on the naive Jimmy and offers to defy convention and become a pairs team with him. Jimmy idolizes Chazz and accepts the offer immediately. The trouble is, the public doesn't want any more of Chazz, and their partnership starts to tarnish Jimmy's image. Jimmy realizes this, but dumping Chazz would mean sacrificing his spot in the Olympic team. He tries to wait it out, knowing he'll lose the dead weight immediately after and be a star in his own right. Chazz, meanwhile, realizes that his plan to use Jimmy has backfired, and seeks his revenge. At the Olympics, Chazz gets violently drunk and takes several pills before he is to compete. He is a disaster out on the ice, dropping Jimmy in almost every lift and causing him to be seriously injured. At the end of the routine, Chazz collapses dead from the drugs next to a stunned and wounded Jimmy.
3. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, as directed by Woody Allen
The real movie: Chuck (Adam Sandler) and Larry (Kevin James) are two hetero firefighters who fake a domestic partnership for the benefits.
The Allen version: Chuck is Jewish, which is half the screenplay right there. Then add a lot of shots of New York. Then the two actually fall in love, and date for a while, but decide it won't work out.
4. Rush Hour 3 as directed by John Huston
The real movie: Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker are back, and now they're fighting the Chinese mafia in Paris or something. Whatever. Hey, isn't it funny that they have trouble understanding each other?
The Huston version: Chan and Tucker (does anyone even know their character names?) are jaded cops who reluctantly go to Paris despite fatigue and indifference. They're hunting for an enigmatic and charismatic mobster who is smuggling a valuable and stolen amulet across country borders. Their search takes them to the Swiss Alps, where they get lost among the terrain. There are signs that the mobster was there, but they are difficult to follow. The days are long and the pair engages in lots of intense dialogue about life. Chan starts to go kind of nuts and becomes suspicious that Tucker wants to kill him, so he runs away while Tucker sleeps to hunt the villains on his own. Tucker awakes and figures that the bad guys have captured his trusted partner, so he goes in heated pursuit. He encounters the mobster and his posse, who outnumber him and shoot him to death. Chan, meanwhile, sets up a complicated trap utilizing his natural surroundings, which the villains fall into nicely. Victorious, Chan delivers a scathing monologue to his captives, and then walks off into the sunset.
5. Evan Almighty as directed by Orson Welles (and yes, I am familiar with Welles' directing career outside of Citizen Kane)
The real movie: In this sequel to Bruce Almighty, God (Morgan Freeman) warns Evan (Steve Carrell) of an impending flood, and instructs him to build an ark, a la Noah.
The Welles version: Evan grew up poor, but has worked his way up and became a successful businessman. Now rich and arrogant, he believes that he begins to hear the voice of God telling him to build an ark. He does. He alienates his family and friends and becomes a huge jerk. But he also employs lots of people to help, and soon creates a thriving ark-building empire. The police get word of this profitable operation and decide to steal it from Evan and claim it as their own, because it's an Orson Welles movie so the cops are corrupt. Evan doesn't really notice this, because one of his workers has a femme-fatale-ish wife who hangs around all day and flirts shamelessly with Evan, who falls hard for her. They make secret plans to escape together on the ark. But then the woman's husband turns up dead, with Evan as the prime suspect. Scared for his life, he forgets all about the woman and runs away. He falls ill, and unable to seek medical attention because the police would surely find him then, he dies alone, leaving a trail of broken hearts and corruption. Did I mention that all of the above is shadowy and full of deep-focus cinematography?
What other good makeovers can you think of?
August 16, 2007
MUSICAL TALENT ALERT
So I know that people who read my blog are movie nerds. Well, here's hoping that you're music nerds too! For you see, dear readers, my boyfriend happens to be a part of a talented music group that just finished their new album, and it is my girlfriendly duty to inform you of this. It's hiphop, but it's hiphop that even non-hiphop lovers can appreciate. They don't rap about bitches and hos over dirrrty Southern beats, but rather compose thoughtful and clever rhymes about life, love and music over beats that could stand on their own. So head on down to http://myspace.com/lyricalcollective and give their first three singles a listen. (I'll know if you do, because I get up-to-the-minute reports about how many plays they've gotten courtesy of my ecstatic bf.)
July 25, 2007
The Super Sweet 16 Movie: A Review
Generally speaking, films can usually fall into one of the following four categories: great, good, mediocre, and bad. Obviously there are shades of grey, but usually one of those descriptions will fit. There is, however, an ominous fifth category that must be mentioned separately from the rest: the abominable. These are the movies that do for cinema what Hitler did for Germany. And among those is Super Sweet 16: The Movie.
Evidence of this movie's putrid staying power is that I saw it several weeks ago, and it keeps creeping back into my brain, like some kind of campy B-movie monster. I should probably give the justification for why I saw it: I was at my boyfriend's house, where about 19 trillion different channels are available for our viewing pleasure. We were channel surfing and came upon this, and couldn't look away - it was like a car wreck. I expected it to be like the show. For those of you who don't know, "My Super Sweet 16" is a reality show on MTV that chronicles psychotically bratty and spoiled teens in their quest to have LIKE OMG THE BEST SWEET 16 PARTY EVAR. It's addictive, it's disturbing, and after watching it you feel like you just ate ten pounds of fast food. So naturally I expected the movie version to be a 90-minute edition of the 30-minute show, where they had found some superbrat to fill the time. I was wrong.
Super Sweet 16: The Movie is cast and scripted. I honestly don't know if that's better or worse. Probably worse, because the antics of these particular teens have screenwriters and directors to be blamed. I should also clarify that I only saw between a half and three-quarters of the movie, but it was the latter half/three-quarters, so all I really missed was the introductory parts and thus I can safely consider myself a scholar on the subject.
I should further note that I am not biased against this genre going in. I often find guilty pleasure in made-for-TV movies starring sugary teen stars and aimed at 12-year-olds. Hell, I've seen Cadet Kelly at least five times, which aired on the Disney Channel and features Hilary Duff going to boot camp. But maybe I just like the idea of Hilary Duff going to boot camp.
So in this "film," apparently there are two girls that are BFF. I didn't see the very beginning, which probably features a montage of them being BFFy, but damn, if this isn't the most contrived friendship I've ever seen. One of the girls is black, which I mention because the other one looks and seems like she comes from a super-Aryan colony that has never seen a minority and would ostracize anyone with even a slight tan. So they have the same birthday, which they usually celebrate together, but some shit went down and now they're having competing parties on the same day. One of the stupid ways this sense of competition is shown is a scene where the two girls and their respective posses are distributing invitations, and keep making more grandiose claims in order to lure the crowd to their side. The fickle nature of the throbbing mass of high-schoolers is shown as a wacky, fast-motion montage to goofy music where they keep racing back and forth between the two sides as the party promises get bigger and better. WE GET IT.
The Obligatory Quasi-Celebrity Role here goes to Debra Wilson, most notable for her long run on MAD TV. She's also done voice work for respectable outlets such as Over the Hedge and "Clone High." But she also hosted the World's Ugliest Dog Competition (no joke), so maybe her career is in more trouble than I thought. Apparently the paycheck from that wasn't big enough to keep her from gravitating to this disaster, for which she isn't even credited on IMDB (smart woman). She plays a truly obnoxious party planner who gets one of the girls' parties to be on a boat. It's all very sad.
The Obligatory Dreamy Blond Spiky-Haired Love Interest in this case is named Shannon. They also opted to make him a Sensitive Filmmaker Type. You know the character of Ricky in American Beauty? Imagine a wholesome, less creepy, neutered blond version of that. So naturally the Aryan girl (Sara) is like totally in love with him. In one hilarious scene, they go on a date, and she gets super dressed up and primped, and then they end up going to Chili's. Yes, Chili's. It goes beyond mere product placement, however, as every third line in this scene is one of them commenting on how amazing the food at Chili's is. They even start describing the menu items in detail. It's bizarre. Shit gets even more surreal when Shannon busts out his laptop and starts showing the girl pictures of the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.
Wait, WHAT?
Yes. But she kind of ignores it and keeps talking about her party. TRANSLATION FOR STUPID AUDIENCE: She's shallow. But the Hurricane Katrina theme doesn't stop there. Sensitive Blond Filmmaker Boy, who has been endowed with a sense of worldly wisdom and justice at 16, sends both of the feuding girls a dramatic slideshow of post-Katrina pictures with emo music. And then they feel shallow and cancel their parties.
Yes. I could not make this up.
Except the black girl (Jacquie) can't cancel her party because so much money went into it, so she has to have it anyway, but feels bad. (Sara's dad is understanding, because he is a pro wrestler. Dead serious). So Jacquie makes it a joint party with Sara, because somehow Hurricane Katrina fixed their friendship. Their relationship is salvaged in a scene where the Sara brings Jacquie ice cream, and they eat it together despite Sara stating at least 97 times prior to this moment that SHE'S A VEGAN. Vegans can't eat ice cream, and it was specifically Ben and Jerry's, which to my knowledge does not have any soy products. Awesome. So then I guess Jacquie wants to be a fashion designer, which is convenient, because her mom inexplicably has Beyonce's mom on speed dial. (Beyonce's mom Tina is, both in the movie and real life, an established designer.) So Jacquie's mom calls Beyonce's mom and asks her to turn Jacquie's sketches into the real thing, so their joint party ultimately becomes a fashion show for charity. They invite some random orphans or something to the party, which is pretty weird because everyone else is a teenager and some rap group is performing. During this performance, my boyfriend astutely pointed out that the editor of this movie was awful, because he felt the need to put a cross-dissolve between virtually every cut, which quickly makes the viewer nauseous. And then Beyonce's mom appears as herself, and has a few filler lines. And Shannon and Sara make out in front of a lot of people - ew. You really couldn't supress your passion for the 8 seconds it would take to get to the bathroom or something?
The ending, though, completely contradicts all of the prior Katrina-induced do-gooder-ness. At the end of an episode of the show, the parents inevitably lead their crazed spawn outside to see their BRAND-NEW SHINY PORSCHE! So we get to that point in the movie, where the girls are led outside to see a van decked out with the name of the charity they started. That's nice. They're happy. But then you see that behind the van are TWO BRAND-NEW SHINY PORSCHES! (Or some other equally high-end vehicle). And then the girls scream a lot and then the movie ends.
I learned a lot from this movie. I learned anything is possible when your mom is tight with Beyonce's mom. I learned that you can make people immediately cease to be shallow if you show them aftermath pictures of natural disasters. I learned that Chili's has really great food and that somehow it's okay for vegans to eat ice cream. But above all, the only thing that really matters is that at the end of the day, you have a shiny new car.
(For a ridiculous article where the stars of the movie talk about how it will bring world peace, click here.)
July 16, 2007
Should Portrayals of Real People Have Their Own Oscar Category?
Let's look at two of this year's Oscar nominees for Best Actress: Helen Mirren as Queen Elizabeth II in The Queen and Penelope Cruz as Raimunda in Volver. Both were outstanding performances by talented actresses in great movies. There is one major difference, however: Mirren played someone who really exists, while Cruz did not. By pitting these two performances against each other, was the Academy comparing apples to oranges?
There has been a surge of actors winning golden statues for playing real people in recent years: Charlize Theron as Aileen Wuornos in Monster, Reese Witherspoon as June Carter Cash in Walk the Line, Forest Whitaker as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland, Cate Blanchett as Katharine Hepburn in The Aviator, Philip Seymour Hoffman as Truman Capote in Capote, Russell Crowe as John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, Julia Roberts as Erin Brockovich in the film of the same title, Nicole Kidman as Virginia Woolf in The Hours, and on and on and on. That's only (some of) the winners - there's also been a marked increase in nominees.
I don't know why this is. Maybe it was the rise of Method acting in the 50s and 60s - to really get into the character, do what they would do, etc. Before that, it was more about Cary Grant being Cary Grant and Clark Gable being Clark Gable. I am reminded of an article I read once which claimed that two types of people populate the silver screen: actors and stars. An example given of an actor was Meryl Streep, which is a good choice: she's very versatile, and when you picture her, you don't immediately connect her to a particular role or type of role. A star is someone who just always plays him or herself, but the audience loves it anyway. They gave the example of Jack Nicholson. From The Shining to As Good as it Gets, Jack is always Jack. The Academy doesn't look as favorably upon stars anymore. They want you to pile on pounds, an accent, and an attitude and play someone completely unlike yourself. Cary Grant can't play, say, a dictator very well if he's still playing Cary Grant.
That still doesn't solve the problem, though. The character of Raimunda may not be very much like Penelope Cruz. I can't explain the phenomenon of this increase, but I can explain the psychology of gravitating to these performances. It's simple: the comparison factor.
Judgment of acting is a very nebulous thing. But when you're comparing a portrayal against a real person, it offers some kind of scale. If Philip Seymour Hoffman walks and talks like just like Truman Capote, then clearly he nailed the role. Cate Blanchett mastered Hepburn's distinctive accent, Forest Whitaker could go batshit crazy with the same ferocity of Amin. In these cases, acting can be measured quantitatively.
The problem with this is that it can deteriorate into an impression contest. "OMG, Nicole Kidman looked and sounded JUST LIKE Virginia Woolf, give her an Oscar for that!" Obviously, this is not a conscious stream of thought in the mind of Academy voters, but I feel like it might be subconscious.
It should also be noted that biopics aren't made about just anybody. Filmmakers seek out the juiciest stories that actors would claw out each other's eyes to star in. I feel like the lead in Monster was just an Oscar waiting to happen. Of course Theron did a good job, but I really think any other talented actress working today could have brought home the gold for playing an ugly, scary, lesbian prostitute serial killer. The Academy eats that shit up.
So here's the dilemma. Can roles that are hand-picked for juiciness and able to be measured quantitatively justly compete against ones that aren't? I don't think it's fair. If you're judging a costume contest and one of the finalists is dressed to look exactly like a famous person, and the other is wearing some impressive abstract thing, you're probably going to be biased towards the former, based on the recognition factor. It won't matter how amazing the abstract one is. Is it fair to judge these together?
God knows the Oscar ceremony is long enough already. But perhaps a "Best Performance Based on a Real Person" category could encompass both male and female, or both lead and supporting.
What do you think?
There has been a surge of actors winning golden statues for playing real people in recent years: Charlize Theron as Aileen Wuornos in Monster, Reese Witherspoon as June Carter Cash in Walk the Line, Forest Whitaker as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland, Cate Blanchett as Katharine Hepburn in The Aviator, Philip Seymour Hoffman as Truman Capote in Capote, Russell Crowe as John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, Julia Roberts as Erin Brockovich in the film of the same title, Nicole Kidman as Virginia Woolf in The Hours, and on and on and on. That's only (some of) the winners - there's also been a marked increase in nominees.
I don't know why this is. Maybe it was the rise of Method acting in the 50s and 60s - to really get into the character, do what they would do, etc. Before that, it was more about Cary Grant being Cary Grant and Clark Gable being Clark Gable. I am reminded of an article I read once which claimed that two types of people populate the silver screen: actors and stars. An example given of an actor was Meryl Streep, which is a good choice: she's very versatile, and when you picture her, you don't immediately connect her to a particular role or type of role. A star is someone who just always plays him or herself, but the audience loves it anyway. They gave the example of Jack Nicholson. From The Shining to As Good as it Gets, Jack is always Jack. The Academy doesn't look as favorably upon stars anymore. They want you to pile on pounds, an accent, and an attitude and play someone completely unlike yourself. Cary Grant can't play, say, a dictator very well if he's still playing Cary Grant.
That still doesn't solve the problem, though. The character of Raimunda may not be very much like Penelope Cruz. I can't explain the phenomenon of this increase, but I can explain the psychology of gravitating to these performances. It's simple: the comparison factor.
Judgment of acting is a very nebulous thing. But when you're comparing a portrayal against a real person, it offers some kind of scale. If Philip Seymour Hoffman walks and talks like just like Truman Capote, then clearly he nailed the role. Cate Blanchett mastered Hepburn's distinctive accent, Forest Whitaker could go batshit crazy with the same ferocity of Amin. In these cases, acting can be measured quantitatively.
The problem with this is that it can deteriorate into an impression contest. "OMG, Nicole Kidman looked and sounded JUST LIKE Virginia Woolf, give her an Oscar for that!" Obviously, this is not a conscious stream of thought in the mind of Academy voters, but I feel like it might be subconscious.
It should also be noted that biopics aren't made about just anybody. Filmmakers seek out the juiciest stories that actors would claw out each other's eyes to star in. I feel like the lead in Monster was just an Oscar waiting to happen. Of course Theron did a good job, but I really think any other talented actress working today could have brought home the gold for playing an ugly, scary, lesbian prostitute serial killer. The Academy eats that shit up.
So here's the dilemma. Can roles that are hand-picked for juiciness and able to be measured quantitatively justly compete against ones that aren't? I don't think it's fair. If you're judging a costume contest and one of the finalists is dressed to look exactly like a famous person, and the other is wearing some impressive abstract thing, you're probably going to be biased towards the former, based on the recognition factor. It won't matter how amazing the abstract one is. Is it fair to judge these together?
God knows the Oscar ceremony is long enough already. But perhaps a "Best Performance Based on a Real Person" category could encompass both male and female, or both lead and supporting.
What do you think?
June 28, 2007
Top 10 Most Memorable Dinner Table Scenes
Ah, the dinner table. It is a place for a family to sit down together, enjoy a nice meal, and...display superpowers? Eat their own brain? Call their guests Hitler? Learn about homosexuality? No? Okay, then that's probably what makes these dinner-table-centric movies so memorable. For this list, I created very specific criteria. First, the dinner had to be in someone's home - I realized that memorable restaurant scenes are a whole other bag. Second, the meal had to specifically be dinner. And finally, people had to actually sit down and consume food. Okay, in no particular order:
1. American Beauty. This movie served as an end-of-the-century reminder that the suburbs are still really fucked up. In this scene, the all-American motif of the family dinner table becomes a frantic - and hilarious -war zone. Mom Carolyn wants to know what her husband Lester was thinking when he quit his job, daughter Janie just wants to leave, and Lester wants respect - and someone to pass the asparagus.
2. Borat. Which is less appropriate to bring to the dinner table: a prostitute or a bag of feces? Lovably inept and vulgar Borat Sagdiyev brings both during his fancy dinner with Southern socialites. It's a riot to watch Sacha Baron Cohen pretending to be this outrageous figure in order to elicit genuine responses from people stranger than fiction. This clip is only part of it, but you get the idea.
3. The Incredibles. Kinda like the American Beauty scene, this is just your average depiction of a suburban family - oh, except they're superheroes. Bob's super strength causes him to cut the table when trying to cut his son's steak, and then the kids get in a fight using all their powers which ends with their elastic mom holding them under the table. The only clip I could find is dubbed with subtitles, for some reason.
4. I Heart Huckabees. I saw this movie a while back and under regrettable hookup circumstances, so I don't remember much of it. Some Googling brought me back to the great dinner scene though, where Mark Wahlberg and Jason Schwartzmann's characters have dinner with the family of the mysterious man they have been seeing everywhere. The family's hyper-religious views clash badly with the liberal, esoteric ideas that their guests bring to the table, and eventually they get kicked out. I think I just adore Marky Mark and his incredible scene-stealing abilities (see also: The Departed).
5. Annie Hall. I know that this movie is on every Top 5 or 10 list I make, but whatever, it's a fuckin good movie. Alvy spends Easter with Annie's family, and the dinner is tremendously awkward, including one shot from Grammy Hall's point of view where Alvy is decked out like an Orthodox Jew. Then it cuts to a split screen comparing what Alvy and Annie's families do for the holidays (Alvy's: fast and bicker). I couldn't find the clip, but if you haven't seen this movie, get thee to a video store!
6. Little Miss Sunshine. From the second the harried mother plops the takeout fried chicken on the table, we know this is not going to be a peaceful meal. Grandpa doesn't want chicken again, uncle Frank just tried to commit suicide after being jilted by another man, Dad's business is still a failure, and Dwayne is just sullen and silent as usual. Seven-year-old Olive inquires about Frank's problem, leading her to learn about suicide and homosexuality in one sitting. There is a bright side though - Olive learns she's made it to the next round of the titular Little Miss Sunshine pageant. The only clip I could find is Grandpa bitching about the chicken, but Alan Arkin won an Oscar. Respect.
7. Hannibal. Yeah, the movie was kinda lame, and I watched it before my official banning of all horror movies from my cinematic diet. But the final scene had me in a state of horror and mindfuck for quite a while. It's dinnertime with Dr. Lecter, which is never a good thing for nearby humans, and tonight's entree is the brain of one of the guests, played by Ray Liotta. I guess Hannibal removes the part of the part responsible for freaking out if someone removes part of your brain, because Ray is just sitting there, smiling absently. And then, Hannibal feeds him his own brain. I will repeat that. HANNIBAL FEEDS HIM HIS OWN BRAIN OMG. And he likes it. Ew. Fun fact: some of the shots in this scene used an animatronic Ray Liotta puppet, and in the final cut even Liotta has confessed to not knowing the difference. I want that on my resume: Animatronic Ray Liotta Puppet Maker. Be warned: the clip is really gross.
8. Wedding Crashers. Dinner and a handjob? Yeah, it's kind of an unorthodox combo, but Vince Vaughn's character really has no say in the matter as fem-unit Gloria suddenly starts to vigorously massage his crotch during a family dinner. This movie scene is not going to cure cancer, but it's slapstick and awkward comedy in its purest form. Oh, and Grandma calls Eleanor Roosevelt "a real rug muncher."
9. Rope. This film toys with the definition of "dinner table," because in this case, dinner is served on a wooden chest containing the dead body of the man that all the guests have in common. The first scene of the film is Brandon and Philip strangling David to death, because they can. Then, just to be sneaky and pat themselves on the back for being so badass, they host a dinner party inviting all of David's nearest and dearest. Philip starts to crack with anxiety, and Brandon's overconfidence starts to look suspicious. It's hard to isolate just one clip here, because dinner takes up at least a third of this short-ish movie. But yeah, you should watch it, because it's Hitchcock and it's good and it has Jimmy Stewart in it.
10. The Gold Rush. I saved the happiest for last. This scene is unabashedly delightful, and I don't just throw around the word "delightful." It's Chaplin in top form, when he has some lady friends over for dinner and entertains them with dinner rolls. It sounds weird, but it's hilarious and brilliant. This scene was so popular in theaters that some projectionists would rewind it and play it again. There's another notable dinner scene in this film as well, when the Tramp eats his own boot out of hunger (for shooting, the boot was made of licorice).
June 23, 2007
Top 10 Nontraditional Happy Endings to Movies
Sometimes, you just gotta have a big ol Hollywood happy ending - kill the villain, kiss the heroine, say something suave, fade out. But often that's not good enough, and so frequently when watching movies, the endings disappoint me. I was really into The Departed until the last 10 minutes, for example, which left a sour taste in my mouth that I retroactively applied to the whole film. Endings are a big deal, and I worry that directors and screenwriters don't pay as much attention to them sometimes as they do to the beginning and middle. So I started compiling a list of my favorite endings of all time, and realized that I had a bias towards nontraditional happy endings. There are some twist endings I like, some really ambiguous ones I like, but most seem to fall into the previously mentioned category. Sometimes the hero gets the girl, sometimes not, and not everybody wins, but you walk away feeling good - at least content. So here's my list. Oh, and obviously:
**********************************MAJOR SPOILERS ABOUND*************************************
* The star indicates that this ending made me cry. I'm a sucker.
1. Fargo. One of the most heartwarming and understated endings imaginable. Before I saw this movie beginning to end, it was on TV, and a friend of mine declared that Marge and Norm Gunderson have one of the best relationships ever, which is definitely true. After crazy days of bloody murders and wood chippers, pregnant police chief Marge comes home to discover that her stay-at-home husband has won a bird-drawing contest and his mallard is being featured on a 3-cent stamp, and she congratulates him wholeheartedly. Then her husband happily rubs her pregnant stomach. It's effective precisely because it is so different from the rest of the movie.
2. Gone With the Wind. For such a blockbuster, it had a decidedly un-blockbuster-ish ending, probably because it was based on a novel. Rhett Butler famously tells Scarlett O'Hara that he doesn't give a damn what she does, while she tearfully begs him not to leave her after treating him like shit for years. She doesn't know what to do, but then she gets that glint in her eyes again, declares she'll think of a way to get him back, and says a terrific mantra: "After all, tomorrow is another day!" And you'll know she'll get what she wants, because she always does. If GWTW had been made today, they'd probably be hard at work on a sequel, but here's a film that knew when to stop.
3. Annie Hall. Long story short: he doesn't get the girl. But it's okay. Alvy is at first hopelessly depressed after the breakup, but moves on with his life and recounts his final meeting with the titular Annie in a voiceover after the characters have left the screen. He makes peace with their relationship and says that it was great just to know her, and says that, like the man who refused to turn in his brother who thought himself to be a chicken, relationships are totally irrational, but we go through it because we "need the eggs."
4. The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Andy loses his virginity. Then he breaks out into a rousing version of the song "Aquarius," and the whole cast joins him. Illogical, and perfect.
5. *The Apartment. Fran runs away from the man that causes her constant unhappiness, and heads for the apartment of nice guy Baxter, who has given up all hopes of being with her. Eschewing the traditional seal-with-a-kiss, though, that brilliant bastard Billy Wilder has Fran insist, over Baxter's "wtf-are-you-doing-here / omg I love you" exclamations, that they finish a gin rummy game they began weeks ago. The last line of the film is Fran saying "Shut up and deal" (the cards).
6. *Little Miss Sunshine. Over the course of their road trip to Olive's little-girl beauty pageant, every member of her crew has had something horrible happen to them: her parents' relationship gets worse, her brother realizes he can't become a pilot, her uncle is generally miserable, and her grandpa dies of a drug overdose. And when Olive begins her racy dance for the talent portion, her family realizes that something horrible could happen to her too. So they all jump onstage and dance with her, letting go of all their problems and issues with each other. It's hilarious, but touching. The family gets banned from attending any more pageants, but they drive away looking content.
7. Casablanca. Of course. Rick lets Ilsa leave on the plane OMG SACRIFICE. But he gets Claude Rains as a consolation prize, which is pretty cool.
8. *The Squid and the Whale. Some people say this ending is pretentious; I disagree. I absolutely love this movie because it's pretty much the exact story of my life in terms of my parents' divorce, but it's also hilarious and well-written. One of the major themes is the story of older brother Walt's "redemption" - that is, coming to terms with his identity post-divorce and forgiving his mother. The title refers to the exhibit he would visit with his mother at the Museum of Natural History, which he would always be afraid to look at. So the ending consists of Walt running epically to the museum and staring at it, to the beat of the awesome "Street Hassle" by Lou Reed. It's a minimalist way of saying that everything is gonna be alright.
9. *Lost in Translation. Bob and Charlotte form a special connection in Tokyo, despite their significant others. When it comes time for them to leave, they kiss, hug, and part ways forever. Bob also whispers something in Charlotte's ear, which is impossible to hear, but was actually recently revealed to most likely be, "I love you. Don't forget to always tell the truth." Allegedly, the kiss was also improvised in the heat of the moment while filming. Those two bits of trivia, discovered just now on IMDB, make this ending even better.
10. The Great Dictator. A satire of WWII before it even really happened? Charlie Chaplin was always cutting edge. And true to form, this movie provides plenty of laughs. But it gets serious at the end. Having been mistaken for dictator Adenoid Hynkel (also played by Chaplin), the unnamed Jewish barber takes the opportunity in front of a microphone to deliver an eloquent 10-minute speech about how men have to love and respect each other. I can't do it justice - the whole speech can be read here. He ends this address, being broadcast on the radio, with a personal message to his companion Hannah, telling her literally and figuratively to "look up." If it seems like a random ending, know that Chaplin in real life was a big pacifist whose liberal leanings did not sit well with the government. It suits the film, and also has a Big Message.
**********************************MAJOR SPOILERS ABOUND*************************************
* The star indicates that this ending made me cry. I'm a sucker.
1. Fargo. One of the most heartwarming and understated endings imaginable. Before I saw this movie beginning to end, it was on TV, and a friend of mine declared that Marge and Norm Gunderson have one of the best relationships ever, which is definitely true. After crazy days of bloody murders and wood chippers, pregnant police chief Marge comes home to discover that her stay-at-home husband has won a bird-drawing contest and his mallard is being featured on a 3-cent stamp, and she congratulates him wholeheartedly. Then her husband happily rubs her pregnant stomach. It's effective precisely because it is so different from the rest of the movie.
2. Gone With the Wind. For such a blockbuster, it had a decidedly un-blockbuster-ish ending, probably because it was based on a novel. Rhett Butler famously tells Scarlett O'Hara that he doesn't give a damn what she does, while she tearfully begs him not to leave her after treating him like shit for years. She doesn't know what to do, but then she gets that glint in her eyes again, declares she'll think of a way to get him back, and says a terrific mantra: "After all, tomorrow is another day!" And you'll know she'll get what she wants, because she always does. If GWTW had been made today, they'd probably be hard at work on a sequel, but here's a film that knew when to stop.
3. Annie Hall. Long story short: he doesn't get the girl. But it's okay. Alvy is at first hopelessly depressed after the breakup, but moves on with his life and recounts his final meeting with the titular Annie in a voiceover after the characters have left the screen. He makes peace with their relationship and says that it was great just to know her, and says that, like the man who refused to turn in his brother who thought himself to be a chicken, relationships are totally irrational, but we go through it because we "need the eggs."
4. The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Andy loses his virginity. Then he breaks out into a rousing version of the song "Aquarius," and the whole cast joins him. Illogical, and perfect.
5. *The Apartment. Fran runs away from the man that causes her constant unhappiness, and heads for the apartment of nice guy Baxter, who has given up all hopes of being with her. Eschewing the traditional seal-with-a-kiss, though, that brilliant bastard Billy Wilder has Fran insist, over Baxter's "wtf-are-you-doing-here / omg I love you" exclamations, that they finish a gin rummy game they began weeks ago. The last line of the film is Fran saying "Shut up and deal" (the cards).
6. *Little Miss Sunshine. Over the course of their road trip to Olive's little-girl beauty pageant, every member of her crew has had something horrible happen to them: her parents' relationship gets worse, her brother realizes he can't become a pilot, her uncle is generally miserable, and her grandpa dies of a drug overdose. And when Olive begins her racy dance for the talent portion, her family realizes that something horrible could happen to her too. So they all jump onstage and dance with her, letting go of all their problems and issues with each other. It's hilarious, but touching. The family gets banned from attending any more pageants, but they drive away looking content.
7. Casablanca. Of course. Rick lets Ilsa leave on the plane OMG SACRIFICE. But he gets Claude Rains as a consolation prize, which is pretty cool.
8. *The Squid and the Whale. Some people say this ending is pretentious; I disagree. I absolutely love this movie because it's pretty much the exact story of my life in terms of my parents' divorce, but it's also hilarious and well-written. One of the major themes is the story of older brother Walt's "redemption" - that is, coming to terms with his identity post-divorce and forgiving his mother. The title refers to the exhibit he would visit with his mother at the Museum of Natural History, which he would always be afraid to look at. So the ending consists of Walt running epically to the museum and staring at it, to the beat of the awesome "Street Hassle" by Lou Reed. It's a minimalist way of saying that everything is gonna be alright.
9. *Lost in Translation. Bob and Charlotte form a special connection in Tokyo, despite their significant others. When it comes time for them to leave, they kiss, hug, and part ways forever. Bob also whispers something in Charlotte's ear, which is impossible to hear, but was actually recently revealed to most likely be, "I love you. Don't forget to always tell the truth." Allegedly, the kiss was also improvised in the heat of the moment while filming. Those two bits of trivia, discovered just now on IMDB, make this ending even better.
10. The Great Dictator. A satire of WWII before it even really happened? Charlie Chaplin was always cutting edge. And true to form, this movie provides plenty of laughs. But it gets serious at the end. Having been mistaken for dictator Adenoid Hynkel (also played by Chaplin), the unnamed Jewish barber takes the opportunity in front of a microphone to deliver an eloquent 10-minute speech about how men have to love and respect each other. I can't do it justice - the whole speech can be read here. He ends this address, being broadcast on the radio, with a personal message to his companion Hannah, telling her literally and figuratively to "look up." If it seems like a random ending, know that Chaplin in real life was a big pacifist whose liberal leanings did not sit well with the government. It suits the film, and also has a Big Message.
June 21, 2007
Thoughts on the new AFI Top 100
The American Film Institute's list of the top 100 American movies of all time is a big deal to me, probably a bigger deal than it should be. I periodically count how many on the list I've seen, and taking into account the absolute subjectivity of any type of list, I respect it as one of the more authoritative lists out there. The original list was compiled in 1997/8, and they've just released a revamped edition for the new milennium, which is available here. Reading this new list caused me, at various intervals, to literally scream with joy, anger, or shock. Mostly though, I prefer the old list. Here are my thoughts.
Things that make me happy
- Singin' in the Rain moved up five spots, from 10 to 5. Nice.
- There were some overdue and previously overlooked additions, such as Cabaret, 12 Angry Men, and In the Heat of the Night.
- Crash was not added, as threatened.
Things that make me unhappy
- Prior to this new list, I read the list of the 400 nominees they were considering, available here. In addition to the usual suspects, there were a bunch of old movies deemed worth reconsidering, plus movies released since the first list. Of the newcomers, I knew they would add at least one Lord of the Rings movie, which they did. I was praying for them to add Rushmore, which they didn't. There were several other very respectable candidates, such as A Beautiful Mind, Lost in Translation, Mystic River, and Saving Private Ryan (which was added). But do you know what were the only other newbies to get added? TITANIC and THE FUCKING SIXTH SENSE. I will deal with each of these separately.
- The Sixth Sense. You see dead people. We get it. This movie gave the world some thrills and chills, and Haley Joel Osment. But these are the greatest American movies EVAR. Over half a century after Gone With the Wind, people still quote "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" - will people really be saying "I see dead people" in 68 years? A good genre piece it may be, a legendary classic it is not. Another thing that made me angry: in the corresponding TV special for this list, Stephen Spielberg said, "Psycho was the original Sixth Sense," which in addition to being blasphemous is just illogical. Just because they're both suspenseful? I don't walk around saying that Some Like It Hot is the original Norbit just because they're both comedies!
- Titanic. This film was significant for three reasons: it was inexplicably nominated for a shitload of Oscars, it won Leonardo DiCaprio a shitload of fans, and it made a shitload of money worldwide. But seriously guys, this movie is SOOOO CHEESY. It was a sensation at the time, but can anyone watch this now without a healthy sense of irony? Who still cries when Jack dies, instead of laughs? There are other cheesy movies on the list too, such as Jaws. But Jaws has two key things to augment its cheesiness: a sense of humor, and the nostalgia factor. Titanic is just a bloated joke that has been deservedly forgotten (until now).
- Some of the films that dropped off the list are absolutely criminal: Rebel Without a Cause is a brilliant piece of cinema that made a star out of James Dean and brought teenage angst to light as a real issue; An American in Paris is beautiful, fun, and revolutionized the American musical; Fantasia changed animation forever; From Here to Eternity is a star-studded and Oscar-laden epic that brought up deep questions about morality and war. But the worst omission this time around is Birth of a Nation. It could be included for historical and social influence alone, but it is also a technically and cinematically amazing masterpiece. Maybe Griffiths' battle scenes don't stand up to modern-day ones, and the acting methods seem overwrought compared to the nuanced methods favored today, but for the time, this stuff was incredible, and still packs a punch.
- Some of the films that dropped off the list are absolutely criminal: Rebel Without a Cause is a brilliant piece of cinema that made a star out of James Dean and brought teenage angst to light as a real issue; An American in Paris is beautiful, fun, and revolutionized the American musical; Fantasia changed animation forever; From Here to Eternity is a star-studded and Oscar-laden epic that brought up deep questions about morality and war. But the worst omission this time around is Birth of a Nation. It could be included for historical and social influence alone, but it is also a technically and cinematically amazing masterpiece. Maybe Griffiths' battle scenes don't stand up to modern-day ones, and the acting methods seem overwrought compared to the nuanced methods favored today, but for the time, this stuff was incredible, and still packs a punch.
Things that just completely baffle me
- The AFI's sudden and inexplicable boner for Westerns. Most notable is The Searchers' jump from 96 to 12, but Shane, High Noon and Unforgiven also had big jumps. This is pretty random, considering that there's no apparent Western revival now or anything.
- Why did some things move up or down one or two spots? That's just silly.
- I noticed that a lot of the films that dropped off the list deal with "big issues": Guess Who's Coming To Dinner tackles interracial romance, The Manchurian Candidate deals with government brainwashing, Birth of a Nation is still controversial for its racism, From Here to Eternity and All Quiet on the Western Front paint decidedly unglamorous depictions of war, Rebel Without a Cause legitimizes teen problems, etc. A lot of a new additions can be considered "safe" by comparison.
- Sullivan's Travels added? Weird.
- I noticed that a lot of the films that dropped off the list deal with "big issues": Guess Who's Coming To Dinner tackles interracial romance, The Manchurian Candidate deals with government brainwashing, Birth of a Nation is still controversial for its racism, From Here to Eternity and All Quiet on the Western Front paint decidedly unglamorous depictions of war, Rebel Without a Cause legitimizes teen problems, etc. A lot of a new additions can be considered "safe" by comparison.
- Sullivan's Travels added? Weird.
Another impact this new list will have on my life is the necessary reorganization of our AFI Top 100 section at the video store where I work. And they're all numbered - grunt. Wish me luck.
May 27, 2007
The One Flaw of Woody Allen Movies
Woody Allen is a genius. From the urbane neurotic wit of Annie Hall to the madcap hilarity of Bananas, the man knows how to make a good movie. But in my further exploration of his work recently, I'm beginning to notice a strange trend: people don't respond to his jokes. In any of his movies in which he stars, about fifty percent of what his character says consists of hilarious one-liners probably relating to Judaism, his childhood, or Freud. Often, they don't really relate to what the character talking to him just said, or he clearly twists his answer to get in a joke. I don't have a problem with that. What baffles me is that all of these clever one-liners just fall flat and evaporate unnoticed by all other characters. In Manhattan Murder Mystery, for example, Allen's character says to his wife, "I can't listen to that much Wagner, you know. I start to get the urge to conquer Poland." After that line, it cuts to another scene. Later, he confronts his wife about her snooping around in the neighbor's apartment, and says, "Save a little craziness for menopause!" Someone would probably either be offended by that statement, or laugh because it's funny. But his wife just keeps talking about how easy it was to get into the apartment, ignoring her husband's comment. In Annie Hall, discussing a documentary about the Nazis, Annie wonders aloud how she would hold up under torture. Alvy (Allen) blurts out, "You, you kidding? If the Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell em everything." Again, Annie would probably either laugh or be offended, but she just keeps talking about Nazis like he didn't say anything. And in Sleeper, Allen gets asked to lead a government revolution by some scientists, but he has this tangent about how he's not a leader type, got beaten up by Quakers, and screams a lot. As usual, the scientists ignore all his jokes, but they also blatantly wait patiently for him to end his little routine so they can go back to being urgent. I know that cinema is not real and dialogue is not always designed to echo real life, but Allen is doing himself - and his comedy - a disservice when he writes like this. It takes me out of the movie, and makes everything he says sound like standup that no one is listening to, or that both characters are just talking to walls. So I implore you, Woody...please let other characters respond and react to you!
May 22, 2007
Movie Linxxx
Some movie-related links that are tickling my fancy these days:
- The folks over at Something Awful took it upon themselves to take some movie posters and photoshop them into grindhouse-style movie posters. Awesome.
- "Five things you can't say in Hollywood," according to an Esquire writer. Very interesting and provocative.
- Apparently, people in the UK lie about seeing movies that they haven't seen and "name-drop" notable films that they have. Something tells me that this happens in the US too.
- Also on the subject of our friends across the ocean, British women confess to having seen Dirty Dancing an average of 15 TIMES!! See what else tops the Brits' most-watched list here.
- If you are not familiar with the Angry Alien site already (angryalien.com), you should go and watch ALL of their 30-second reenactments of popular movies done by animated bunnies. I've seen them all and their latest, March of the Penguins, is a favorite, because it's a movie consisting entirely of an animal that is nothing like a bunny. And it's narrated by "Morgan FreeBun." Nice.
- And finally, a really cool movie-themed t-shirt. Just so nobody gets mad at me, I'm telling you now: it's a really well-designed shirt that contains spoilers for the endings of about 20 different popular movies. It would either make you the most popular or the most hated person at a party.
- The folks over at Something Awful took it upon themselves to take some movie posters and photoshop them into grindhouse-style movie posters. Awesome.
- "Five things you can't say in Hollywood," according to an Esquire writer. Very interesting and provocative.
- Apparently, people in the UK lie about seeing movies that they haven't seen and "name-drop" notable films that they have. Something tells me that this happens in the US too.
- Also on the subject of our friends across the ocean, British women confess to having seen Dirty Dancing an average of 15 TIMES!! See what else tops the Brits' most-watched list here.
- If you are not familiar with the Angry Alien site already (angryalien.com), you should go and watch ALL of their 30-second reenactments of popular movies done by animated bunnies. I've seen them all and their latest, March of the Penguins, is a favorite, because it's a movie consisting entirely of an animal that is nothing like a bunny. And it's narrated by "Morgan FreeBun." Nice.
- And finally, a really cool movie-themed t-shirt. Just so nobody gets mad at me, I'm telling you now: it's a really well-designed shirt that contains spoilers for the endings of about 20 different popular movies. It would either make you the most popular or the most hated person at a party.
May 15, 2007
Top 5 Bitches in Movies
I take the word "bitch" very seriously. I believe that it is overused to describe feisty women who get what they want. But there are real bitches out there...women who are really mean and catty, but also pack the dangerous punch of smarts and cunning. (I'm ashamed to admit that I was friends with some in high school). You'll notice my old-movie bias, because I don't think that they make on-screen bitches like they used to. They can't just be mean - they have to be smarts and substance. A good cinematic bitch is great to watch, as demonstrated by the fact that two of the movies on my list won the Best Picture Oscar, and another was nominated. On that note, here are my top 5 biggest bitches in movies, in no particular order:
1. Regina George in Mean Girls.
Type: Classic high school bitch.
Portrayed by Rachel McAdams, she is the personification of the blonde, power-hungry alpha female. Her nastiness knows no bounds, from snide comments behind people's backs, to a "burn book" saying horrible things about everyone in school. She comes around in the end, however, channeling her aggression into sports.
Quote: "Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you're a homeschooled jungle freak, that's a less hot version of me!"
2. Eve Harrington in All About Eve.
Type: Bitch in disguise.
Here's your typical bitch-playing-innocent routine. She starts out the film as a naive girl worshipping actress Margo Channing, and then uses cunning and manipulation to claim Margo's career - and man - for herself. Anne Baxter's slimy and sickly sweet portrayal churns your stomach.
Quote: It's too long to put in here, but she makes up a ridiculous sob story about her rough past so that Margo will pity and accept her.
3. Mrs. Danvers in Rebecca.
Type: Eerie matronly Hitchcock bitch.
Mrs. Danvers (Judith Anderson) was a fan of her employer's deceased wife, Rebecca. She is not a fan of his new wife, a sentiment she makes clear by repeatedly suggesting that the new Mrs. de Winter commit suicide. Oh, and then she goes apeshit and burns down the house. Fun fact: Hitchcock said that the costumes for this character were designed so that she would always appear to be floating over the ground instead of walking, making her even creepier.
Quote: (next to an open window) "Go ahead. Jump. He never loved you, so why go on living? Jump and it will all be over..."
4. Basically the entire cast of The Women.
Type: Catty, gossipy bitches.
This is the film that my gay coworker Davy, a veritable conoisseur of bitchy movies, called "too much for me." It's hard to select just one bitch from it, although the protagonist Mary Haines is largely exempt. Main bitches include Sylvia Fowler (Rosalind Russell, delightful to watch as she ruins reputations), Miriam Aarons (Paulette Goddard), and Crystal Allen (Joan Crawford), all guilty of some serious adultery, man-snatching, and talking behind people's backs. At the end, Mary realizes that she has to beat them all at their own game, in a triumphant scene at a party where she exposes everyone's secrets to each other.
Quote: (Crystal Allen): "There is a name for you, ladies, but it isn't used in high society... outside of a kennel."
5. Veda Pierce in Mildred Pierce.
Type: Ungrateful, spiteful, teenage bitch.
Watching this movie, I wanted to jump into the screen and punch Veda (played by Ann Blyth, who earned an Oscar nomination) in the face. She plays the daughter of the titular Mildred, a working-class woman who works her working-class ass off to give her daughter all the luxuries she wants, but to Veda, it's never enough. She is always embarassed by the fact that her mother works, and is always acts like her mother leaves her needs unfulfilled. Oh, and then she steals her mother's old husband so that she can give him the life she wants. Karma kicks her ass in the end, though.
Quote: (to her mother) "You think just because you made a little money you can get a new hairdo and some expensive clothes and turn yourself into a lady. But you can't, because you'll never be anything but a common frump!"
Honorable mentions:
- Hilary Faye (Mandy Moore) in Saved!
I excluded her because the character of Hilary Faye gets into the slippery slope of people who are psychotic bitches because of religion. They often don't understand that being a bitch for religion is wrong, whereas the other lovely ladies on this list are most certainly aware that their behavior is not exactly angelic. That said, she has some awesome bitch moments, like when she violently hurls a Bible at Mary (Jena Malone) and screams, "I am SO full of Christ love!!"
- Mary Tilford (Karen Balkin) in The Children's Hour
More of a bitchlette, since she's about 11 or so. She couldn't anticipate the consequences of the lie she tells to avoid going back to school. However, she most certainly knows what she's doing when she manipulates her poor classmate Rosalie into lying for her, by saying that the police are hot on the trail of a missing bracelet that Rosalie took from another girl. And her eyes bug out and she's really intense, even for an 11-year old.
1. Regina George in Mean Girls.
Type: Classic high school bitch.
Portrayed by Rachel McAdams, she is the personification of the blonde, power-hungry alpha female. Her nastiness knows no bounds, from snide comments behind people's backs, to a "burn book" saying horrible things about everyone in school. She comes around in the end, however, channeling her aggression into sports.
Quote: "Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you're a homeschooled jungle freak, that's a less hot version of me!"
2. Eve Harrington in All About Eve.
Type: Bitch in disguise.
Here's your typical bitch-playing-innocent routine. She starts out the film as a naive girl worshipping actress Margo Channing, and then uses cunning and manipulation to claim Margo's career - and man - for herself. Anne Baxter's slimy and sickly sweet portrayal churns your stomach.
Quote: It's too long to put in here, but she makes up a ridiculous sob story about her rough past so that Margo will pity and accept her.
3. Mrs. Danvers in Rebecca.
Type: Eerie matronly Hitchcock bitch.
Mrs. Danvers (Judith Anderson) was a fan of her employer's deceased wife, Rebecca. She is not a fan of his new wife, a sentiment she makes clear by repeatedly suggesting that the new Mrs. de Winter commit suicide. Oh, and then she goes apeshit and burns down the house. Fun fact: Hitchcock said that the costumes for this character were designed so that she would always appear to be floating over the ground instead of walking, making her even creepier.
Quote: (next to an open window) "Go ahead. Jump. He never loved you, so why go on living? Jump and it will all be over..."
4. Basically the entire cast of The Women.
Type: Catty, gossipy bitches.
This is the film that my gay coworker Davy, a veritable conoisseur of bitchy movies, called "too much for me." It's hard to select just one bitch from it, although the protagonist Mary Haines is largely exempt. Main bitches include Sylvia Fowler (Rosalind Russell, delightful to watch as she ruins reputations), Miriam Aarons (Paulette Goddard), and Crystal Allen (Joan Crawford), all guilty of some serious adultery, man-snatching, and talking behind people's backs. At the end, Mary realizes that she has to beat them all at their own game, in a triumphant scene at a party where she exposes everyone's secrets to each other.
Quote: (Crystal Allen): "There is a name for you, ladies, but it isn't used in high society... outside of a kennel."
5. Veda Pierce in Mildred Pierce.
Type: Ungrateful, spiteful, teenage bitch.
Watching this movie, I wanted to jump into the screen and punch Veda (played by Ann Blyth, who earned an Oscar nomination) in the face. She plays the daughter of the titular Mildred, a working-class woman who works her working-class ass off to give her daughter all the luxuries she wants, but to Veda, it's never enough. She is always embarassed by the fact that her mother works, and is always acts like her mother leaves her needs unfulfilled. Oh, and then she steals her mother's old husband so that she can give him the life she wants. Karma kicks her ass in the end, though.
Quote: (to her mother) "You think just because you made a little money you can get a new hairdo and some expensive clothes and turn yourself into a lady. But you can't, because you'll never be anything but a common frump!"
Honorable mentions:
- Hilary Faye (Mandy Moore) in Saved!
I excluded her because the character of Hilary Faye gets into the slippery slope of people who are psychotic bitches because of religion. They often don't understand that being a bitch for religion is wrong, whereas the other lovely ladies on this list are most certainly aware that their behavior is not exactly angelic. That said, she has some awesome bitch moments, like when she violently hurls a Bible at Mary (Jena Malone) and screams, "I am SO full of Christ love!!"
- Mary Tilford (Karen Balkin) in The Children's Hour
More of a bitchlette, since she's about 11 or so. She couldn't anticipate the consequences of the lie she tells to avoid going back to school. However, she most certainly knows what she's doing when she manipulates her poor classmate Rosalie into lying for her, by saying that the police are hot on the trail of a missing bracelet that Rosalie took from another girl. And her eyes bug out and she's really intense, even for an 11-year old.
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