I'm reposting this classic from Facebook, and adding some new stuff.
I work in a video store and customers blurt out all sorts of gems that I just could not keep to myself. Here's all the wacky customer questions, comments, and concerns that I could remember. They are as close to verbatim as possible. Also, all of these people had memberships already and thus had rented before.
Woman: Do you have "Mr. and Mrs. Will Smith"?
Me: Um...I think you mean "Mr. and Mrs. Smith".
Woman: No, I'm positive it was "Mr. and Mrs. Will Smith".
- Do all movies in theaters come to DVD?
- Do you have the movie "Rocky Mountain Horror Show"? (They meant "Rocky Horror Picture Show")
- Woman (holding a 1-day rental): Is there any way you could make this, like, more than a 1-day?
Me: Like what?
Woman: Like...maybe...a five-day rental?
- What does "One Day Only" mean?
- Woman on phone: Do you have "An Inconvenient Truth" for the VCR?
Me: You mean VHS? No. They don't make VHS anymore
Woman on phone: That's capitalism for ya!
- Me: You have some late fees, you returned this four days late.
Response of many people: No I didn't, it's a five day rental, so it's actually a day early.
Me: No, you had it five days and then four days more. Five and four is nine. Nine days.
Many people: Oh. Yeah. I guess so.
- Man: Ugh, I can't find anything I want in here. I've seen all the movies in here.
Me: We have thousands of movies! Seriously?
Man: Yeah, probably like 20 percent of them.
- Man (after being charged a $4 late fee) You know what? This is ridiculous. That's it. I've had it. I'm switching to Netflix. I'm not coming back. Cancel my membership.
Me: We can't cancel memberships, they just expire after a while, and cancelling implies that you're paying for the membership, which you're not.
Man: CANCEL MY MEMBERSHIP!!
- Old Lady: Where would I find "Hustle and Flow"?
Me: Excuse me?
Old Lady: Oh right, I mean "Kung Fu Hustle."
- Man: Do you have "Women and Children?" (He meant Children of Men)
- Man: Do you have "Badass?" (He meant Superbad)
- Some of our frequent porn renters don't even bother going downstairs to look at the titles like everyone else. They just strut up to the counter and go "Show me the latest." One fellow did this and sifted through the pile. He slammed them all down, heaved a sigh, and told my coworker, "You're outta gas, kid."
- Old lady: Do you have that new movie that was well reviewed in the New York Times...what was it...oh yes. Babe!
Me: (I know they meant Babel, but just to fuck with them a little, I said this) Oh! Pig in the city?
- Man: Do you have videos of older women having sex with 13 and 14-year-old boys?
My coworker: (stunned) Um, no. That's illegal.
Man: No, I mean very loving and tastefully done and consensual.
My coworker: Um, no. That's illegal.
Man: Because I know some people, I mean, I know them now, but when they were younger, they were involved in these relationships and it was very loving and beneficial.
My coworker: Um, okay.
-Woman on phone, day before Halloween: (this is the first thing she said, no greeting or anything) The woman in 101 Dalmations. Glenn Close. What's her name?
Me: Uh, Cruella de Vil?
Woman on phone: Yes. Cru...Cruella, am I saying that right?
Me: Yes. Do you want to rent the movie?
Woman on phone: Is she the one with the headpiece?
Me: Well, she did have a big fur hat.
Woman on phone: The headpiece with the asp. [I'm pretty sure that's a kind of snake.]
Me: Huh? No, it was just a big hat.
Woman on phone: Well then, who had the headpiece with the asp?
Me: Um, I dunno, Cleopatra?
Woman on phone: Cuz I'm sitting here with this asp headpiece, so now what do I tell people I am for Halloween?
Me: Um, I dunno, Cleopatra?
Woman on phone: Um...are you sure?
This conversation went on like this for about 8 minutes.
- In general, if a movie title has more than two words, it's gonna get butchered or just shortened to two words. Case in point: ever since I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry came out, I have not heard a single person call it by its full title. They just ask for "Chuck and Larry," so much so that we just keep it under "C." I feel that this information should be made known to studio execs somehow.
-Assorted people, in reference to pornos: This DVD skips. I couldn't watch all of it. (Good god, those things are like 4 hours long! Do you really need all of it?)
- A woman came in complaining that she had rented a DVD that when she tried to play it, only showed a menu of special features. The movie was the documentary What the Bleep Do We Know?. While my coworker tried to figure out the problem, I jokingly said to her, "Since it's a documentary about the nature of existence, maybe it's trying to mess with you." She gave me a stone-cold glare and said, "No it isn't. It has Marlee Matlin in it."
- Tons of people: Would the movie [movie title beginning with "the"] be under T? (Or) Would the movie [movie title beginning with indefinite article "a"] be under A?
- Me: No, because then 90% of the store would be under A or T. (Silently to myself: aren't you familiar with the basic principles of alphabetization?)
- Crazy man in motorized scooter, at the front counter, speaking at an ungodly volume with several people around: DO YOU HAVE SHE-MALE PORN?!
- Porn customers write down the numbers of the videos they want, and often times they make a long list in case some are out. One guy handed me such a list, to which I asked a very simple question: "How many would you like?" It could have been a one-word answer. Instead he replied, "All of them. I've got all day today, all day tomorrow..." EW.
- Guy on phone: I rented Pan's Labyrinth, but the version you gave me is in Spanish!
My coworker: Sir, it's a Spanish movie.
- Man (holding a DVD) Is this a DVD?