What Oscar categories really mean

I know it's not Oscar season yet, but those little golden men have been on my mind lately. If you think about it, a lot of Oscar categories mean things more specific than just best such-and-such. Here's my handy guide to decoding what some of those tricky buggers mean. (And please, don't compile a nerdy and meticulous list of exceptions and send them to me. This is meant, on some level, to be humorous).

-Best Picture
Actually means: best drop-dead serious drama preferably about war or other actual events

-Best Actress
Actually means: whoever got fattest or ugliest

-Best Actor
Actually means: whoever most effectively portrayed a real person

-Best Supporting Actor/Actress
Actually means: best spunky sidekick with awesome one-liners that, if they were the main character, would not have won an Oscar. Comes with high risk of never winning an Oscar again.

-Best Costume Design
Actually means: best costume design for a period piece

-Best Documentary Short Subject/Feature
- Actually means: most depressing documentary, preferably about AIDS, the Holocaust, or genocide. I remember watching the awards last year and telling my friend how pissed the directors of some of the documentary short subjects must be, because they were up against one about AIDS and didn't stand a chance.

-Best Foreign Film
Actually means: most depressing foreign film

-Best Directing
Actually means: whoever directed Best Picture

-Best Original Screenplay
Actually means: quirky movie that should have been nominated for Best Picture but was not a drop-dead serious drama about war or other actual events

Some categories are legitimate wildcards though. "It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp" winning best song? Who could have seen that coming?