The Super Sweet 16 Movie: A Review

Generally speaking, films can usually fall into one of the following four categories: great, good, mediocre, and bad. Obviously there are shades of grey, but usually one of those descriptions will fit. There is, however, an ominous fifth category that must be mentioned separately from the rest: the abominable. These are the movies that do for cinema what Hitler did for Germany. And among those is Super Sweet 16: The Movie.

Evidence of this movie's putrid staying power is that I saw it several weeks ago, and it keeps creeping back into my brain, like some kind of campy B-movie monster. I should probably give the justification for why I saw it: I was at my boyfriend's house, where about 19 trillion different channels are available for our viewing pleasure. We were channel surfing and came upon this, and couldn't look away - it was like a car wreck. I expected it to be like the show. For those of you who don't know, "My Super Sweet 16" is a reality show on MTV that chronicles psychotically bratty and spoiled teens in their quest to have LIKE OMG THE BEST SWEET 16 PARTY EVAR. It's addictive, it's disturbing, and after watching it you feel like you just ate ten pounds of fast food. So naturally I expected the movie version to be a 90-minute edition of the 30-minute show, where they had found some superbrat to fill the time. I was wrong.

Super Sweet 16: The Movie is cast and scripted. I honestly don't know if that's better or worse. Probably worse, because the antics of these particular teens have screenwriters and directors to be blamed. I should also clarify that I only saw between a half and three-quarters of the movie, but it was the latter half/three-quarters, so all I really missed was the introductory parts and thus I can safely consider myself a scholar on the subject.

I should further note that I am not biased against this genre going in. I often find guilty pleasure in made-for-TV movies starring sugary teen stars and aimed at 12-year-olds. Hell, I've seen Cadet Kelly at least five times, which aired on the Disney Channel and features Hilary Duff going to boot camp. But maybe I just like the idea of Hilary Duff going to boot camp.

So in this "film," apparently there are two girls that are BFF. I didn't see the very beginning, which probably features a montage of them being BFFy, but damn, if this isn't the most contrived friendship I've ever seen. One of the girls is black, which I mention because the other one looks and seems like she comes from a super-Aryan colony that has never seen a minority and would ostracize anyone with even a slight tan. So they have the same birthday, which they usually celebrate together, but some shit went down and now they're having competing parties on the same day. One of the stupid ways this sense of competition is shown is a scene where the two girls and their respective posses are distributing invitations, and keep making more grandiose claims in order to lure the crowd to their side. The fickle nature of the throbbing mass of high-schoolers is shown as a wacky, fast-motion montage to goofy music where they keep racing back and forth between the two sides as the party promises get bigger and better. WE GET IT.

The Obligatory Quasi-Celebrity Role here goes to Debra Wilson, most notable for her long run on MAD TV. She's also done voice work for respectable outlets such as Over the Hedge and "Clone High." But she also hosted the World's Ugliest Dog Competition (no joke), so maybe her career is in more trouble than I thought. Apparently the paycheck from that wasn't big enough to keep her from gravitating to this disaster, for which she isn't even credited on IMDB (smart woman). She plays a truly obnoxious party planner who gets one of the girls' parties to be on a boat. It's all very sad.

The Obligatory Dreamy Blond Spiky-Haired Love Interest in this case is named Shannon. They also opted to make him a Sensitive Filmmaker Type. You know the character of Ricky in American Beauty? Imagine a wholesome, less creepy, neutered blond version of that. So naturally the Aryan girl (Sara) is like totally in love with him. In one hilarious scene, they go on a date, and she gets super dressed up and primped, and then they end up going to Chili's. Yes, Chili's. It goes beyond mere product placement, however, as every third line in this scene is one of them commenting on how amazing the food at Chili's is. They even start describing the menu items in detail. It's bizarre. Shit gets even more surreal when Shannon busts out his laptop and starts showing the girl pictures of the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

Wait, WHAT?

Yes. But she kind of ignores it and keeps talking about her party. TRANSLATION FOR STUPID AUDIENCE: She's shallow. But the Hurricane Katrina theme doesn't stop there. Sensitive Blond Filmmaker Boy, who has been endowed with a sense of worldly wisdom and justice at 16, sends both of the feuding girls a dramatic slideshow of post-Katrina pictures with emo music. And then they feel shallow and cancel their parties.

Yes. I could not make this up.

Except the black girl (Jacquie) can't cancel her party because so much money went into it, so she has to have it anyway, but feels bad. (Sara's dad is understanding, because he is a pro wrestler. Dead serious). So Jacquie makes it a joint party with Sara, because somehow Hurricane Katrina fixed their friendship. Their relationship is salvaged in a scene where the Sara brings Jacquie ice cream, and they eat it together despite Sara stating at least 97 times prior to this moment that SHE'S A VEGAN. Vegans can't eat ice cream, and it was specifically Ben and Jerry's, which to my knowledge does not have any soy products. Awesome. So then I guess Jacquie wants to be a fashion designer, which is convenient, because her mom inexplicably has Beyonce's mom on speed dial. (Beyonce's mom Tina is, both in the movie and real life, an established designer.) So Jacquie's mom calls Beyonce's mom and asks her to turn Jacquie's sketches into the real thing, so their joint party ultimately becomes a fashion show for charity. They invite some random orphans or something to the party, which is pretty weird because everyone else is a teenager and some rap group is performing. During this performance, my boyfriend astutely pointed out that the editor of this movie was awful, because he felt the need to put a cross-dissolve between virtually every cut, which quickly makes the viewer nauseous. And then Beyonce's mom appears as herself, and has a few filler lines. And Shannon and Sara make out in front of a lot of people - ew. You really couldn't supress your passion for the 8 seconds it would take to get to the bathroom or something?

The ending, though, completely contradicts all of the prior Katrina-induced do-gooder-ness. At the end of an episode of the show, the parents inevitably lead their crazed spawn outside to see their BRAND-NEW SHINY PORSCHE! So we get to that point in the movie, where the girls are led outside to see a van decked out with the name of the charity they started. That's nice. They're happy. But then you see that behind the van are TWO BRAND-NEW SHINY PORSCHES! (Or some other equally high-end vehicle). And then the girls scream a lot and then the movie ends.

I learned a lot from this movie. I learned anything is possible when your mom is tight with Beyonce's mom. I learned that you can make people immediately cease to be shallow if you show them aftermath pictures of natural disasters. I learned that Chili's has really great food and that somehow it's okay for vegans to eat ice cream. But above all, the only thing that really matters is that at the end of the day, you have a shiny new car.

(For a ridiculous article where the stars of the movie talk about how it will bring world peace, click here.)

Should Portrayals of Real People Have Their Own Oscar Category?

Let's look at two of this year's Oscar nominees for Best Actress: Helen Mirren as Queen Elizabeth II in The Queen and Penelope Cruz as Raimunda in Volver. Both were outstanding performances by talented actresses in great movies. There is one major difference, however: Mirren played someone who really exists, while Cruz did not. By pitting these two performances against each other, was the Academy comparing apples to oranges?

There has been a surge of actors winning golden statues for playing real people in recent years: Charlize Theron as Aileen Wuornos in Monster, Reese Witherspoon as June Carter Cash in Walk the Line, Forest Whitaker as Idi Amin in The Last King of Scotland, Cate Blanchett as Katharine Hepburn in The Aviator, Philip Seymour Hoffman as Truman Capote in Capote, Russell Crowe as John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, Julia Roberts as Erin Brockovich in the film of the same title, Nicole Kidman as Virginia Woolf in The Hours, and on and on and on. That's only (some of) the winners - there's also been a marked increase in nominees.

I don't know why this is. Maybe it was the rise of Method acting in the 50s and 60s - to really get into the character, do what they would do, etc. Before that, it was more about Cary Grant being Cary Grant and Clark Gable being Clark Gable. I am reminded of an article I read once which claimed that two types of people populate the silver screen: actors and stars. An example given of an actor was Meryl Streep, which is a good choice: she's very versatile, and when you picture her, you don't immediately connect her to a particular role or type of role. A star is someone who just always plays him or herself, but the audience loves it anyway. They gave the example of Jack Nicholson. From The Shining to As Good as it Gets, Jack is always Jack. The Academy doesn't look as favorably upon stars anymore. They want you to pile on pounds, an accent, and an attitude and play someone completely unlike yourself. Cary Grant can't play, say, a dictator very well if he's still playing Cary Grant.

That still doesn't solve the problem, though. The character of Raimunda may not be very much like Penelope Cruz. I can't explain the phenomenon of this increase, but I can explain the psychology of gravitating to these performances. It's simple: the comparison factor.

Judgment of acting is a very nebulous thing. But when you're comparing a portrayal against a real person, it offers some kind of scale. If Philip Seymour Hoffman walks and talks like just like Truman Capote, then clearly he nailed the role. Cate Blanchett mastered Hepburn's distinctive accent, Forest Whitaker could go batshit crazy with the same ferocity of Amin. In these cases, acting can be measured quantitatively.

The problem with this is that it can deteriorate into an impression contest. "OMG, Nicole Kidman looked and sounded JUST LIKE Virginia Woolf, give her an Oscar for that!" Obviously, this is not a conscious stream of thought in the mind of Academy voters, but I feel like it might be subconscious.

It should also be noted that biopics aren't made about just anybody. Filmmakers seek out the juiciest stories that actors would claw out each other's eyes to star in. I feel like the lead in Monster was just an Oscar waiting to happen. Of course Theron did a good job, but I really think any other talented actress working today could have brought home the gold for playing an ugly, scary, lesbian prostitute serial killer. The Academy eats that shit up.

So here's the dilemma. Can roles that are hand-picked for juiciness and able to be measured quantitatively justly compete against ones that aren't? I don't think it's fair. If you're judging a costume contest and one of the finalists is dressed to look exactly like a famous person, and the other is wearing some impressive abstract thing, you're probably going to be biased towards the former, based on the recognition factor. It won't matter how amazing the abstract one is. Is it fair to judge these together?

God knows the Oscar ceremony is long enough already. But perhaps a "Best Performance Based on a Real Person" category could encompass both male and female, or both lead and supporting.

What do you think?

Top 10 Most Memorable Dinner Table Scenes

Ah, the dinner table. It is a place for a family to sit down together, enjoy a nice meal, and...display superpowers? Eat their own brain? Call their guests Hitler? Learn about homosexuality? No? Okay, then that's probably what makes these dinner-table-centric movies so memorable. For this list, I created very specific criteria. First, the dinner had to be in someone's home - I realized that memorable restaurant scenes are a whole other bag. Second, the meal had to specifically be dinner. And finally, people had to actually sit down and consume food. Okay, in no particular order:



1. American Beauty. This movie served as an end-of-the-century reminder that the suburbs are still really fucked up. In this scene, the all-American motif of the family dinner table becomes a frantic - and hilarious -war zone. Mom Carolyn wants to know what her husband Lester was thinking when he quit his job, daughter Janie just wants to leave, and Lester wants respect - and someone to pass the asparagus.





2. Borat. Which is less appropriate to bring to the dinner table: a prostitute or a bag of feces? Lovably inept and vulgar Borat Sagdiyev brings both during his fancy dinner with Southern socialites. It's a riot to watch Sacha Baron Cohen pretending to be this outrageous figure in order to elicit genuine responses from people stranger than fiction. This clip is only part of it, but you get the idea.




3. The Incredibles. Kinda like the American Beauty scene, this is just your average depiction of a suburban family - oh, except they're superheroes. Bob's super strength causes him to cut the table when trying to cut his son's steak, and then the kids get in a fight using all their powers which ends with their elastic mom holding them under the table. The only clip I could find is dubbed with subtitles, for some reason.




4. I Heart Huckabees. I saw this movie a while back and under regrettable hookup circumstances, so I don't remember much of it. Some Googling brought me back to the great dinner scene though, where Mark Wahlberg and Jason Schwartzmann's characters have dinner with the family of the mysterious man they have been seeing everywhere. The family's hyper-religious views clash badly with the liberal, esoteric ideas that their guests bring to the table, and eventually they get kicked out. I think I just adore Marky Mark and his incredible scene-stealing abilities (see also: The Departed).


5. Annie Hall. I know that this movie is on every Top 5 or 10 list I make, but whatever, it's a fuckin good movie. Alvy spends Easter with Annie's family, and the dinner is tremendously awkward, including one shot from Grammy Hall's point of view where Alvy is decked out like an Orthodox Jew. Then it cuts to a split screen comparing what Alvy and Annie's families do for the holidays (Alvy's: fast and bicker). I couldn't find the clip, but if you haven't seen this movie, get thee to a video store!

6. Little Miss Sunshine. From the second the harried mother plops the takeout fried chicken on the table, we know this is not going to be a peaceful meal. Grandpa doesn't want chicken again, uncle Frank just tried to commit suicide after being jilted by another man, Dad's business is still a failure, and Dwayne is just sullen and silent as usual. Seven-year-old Olive inquires about Frank's problem, leading her to learn about suicide and homosexuality in one sitting. There is a bright side though - Olive learns she's made it to the next round of the titular Little Miss Sunshine pageant. The only clip I could find is Grandpa bitching about the chicken, but Alan Arkin won an Oscar. Respect.


7. Hannibal. Yeah, the movie was kinda lame, and I watched it before my official banning of all horror movies from my cinematic diet. But the final scene had me in a state of horror and mindfuck for quite a while. It's dinnertime with Dr. Lecter, which is never a good thing for nearby humans, and tonight's entree is the brain of one of the guests, played by Ray Liotta. I guess Hannibal removes the part of the part responsible for freaking out if someone removes part of your brain, because Ray is just sitting there, smiling absently. And then, Hannibal feeds him his own brain. I will repeat that. HANNIBAL FEEDS HIM HIS OWN BRAIN OMG. And he likes it. Ew. Fun fact: some of the shots in this scene used an animatronic Ray Liotta puppet, and in the final cut even Liotta has confessed to not knowing the difference. I want that on my resume: Animatronic Ray Liotta Puppet Maker. Be warned: the clip is really gross.




8. Wedding Crashers. Dinner and a handjob? Yeah, it's kind of an unorthodox combo, but Vince Vaughn's character really has no say in the matter as fem-unit Gloria suddenly starts to vigorously massage his crotch during a family dinner. This movie scene is not going to cure cancer, but it's slapstick and awkward comedy in its purest form. Oh, and Grandma calls Eleanor Roosevelt "a real rug muncher."




9. Rope. This film toys with the definition of "dinner table," because in this case, dinner is served on a wooden chest containing the dead body of the man that all the guests have in common. The first scene of the film is Brandon and Philip strangling David to death, because they can. Then, just to be sneaky and pat themselves on the back for being so badass, they host a dinner party inviting all of David's nearest and dearest. Philip starts to crack with anxiety, and Brandon's overconfidence starts to look suspicious. It's hard to isolate just one clip here, because dinner takes up at least a third of this short-ish movie. But yeah, you should watch it, because it's Hitchcock and it's good and it has Jimmy Stewart in it.

10. The Gold Rush. I saved the happiest for last. This scene is unabashedly delightful, and I don't just throw around the word "delightful." It's Chaplin in top form, when he has some lady friends over for dinner and entertains them with dinner rolls. It sounds weird, but it's hilarious and brilliant. This scene was so popular in theaters that some projectionists would rewind it and play it again. There's another notable dinner scene in this film as well, when the Tramp eats his own boot out of hunger (for shooting, the boot was made of licorice).

Top 10 Nontraditional Happy Endings to Movies

Sometimes, you just gotta have a big ol Hollywood happy ending - kill the villain, kiss the heroine, say something suave, fade out. But often that's not good enough, and so frequently when watching movies, the endings disappoint me. I was really into The Departed until the last 10 minutes, for example, which left a sour taste in my mouth that I retroactively applied to the whole film. Endings are a big deal, and I worry that directors and screenwriters don't pay as much attention to them sometimes as they do to the beginning and middle. So I started compiling a list of my favorite endings of all time, and realized that I had a bias towards nontraditional happy endings. There are some twist endings I like, some really ambiguous ones I like, but most seem to fall into the previously mentioned category. Sometimes the hero gets the girl, sometimes not, and not everybody wins, but you walk away feeling good - at least content. So here's my list. Oh, and obviously:

**********************************MAJOR SPOILERS ABOUND*************************************

* The star indicates that this ending made me cry. I'm a sucker.

1. Fargo. One of the most heartwarming and understated endings imaginable. Before I saw this movie beginning to end, it was on TV, and a friend of mine declared that Marge and Norm Gunderson have one of the best relationships ever, which is definitely true. After crazy days of bloody murders and wood chippers, pregnant police chief Marge comes home to discover that her stay-at-home husband has won a bird-drawing contest and his mallard is being featured on a 3-cent stamp, and she congratulates him wholeheartedly. Then her husband happily rubs her pregnant stomach. It's effective precisely because it is so different from the rest of the movie.
2. Gone With the Wind. For such a blockbuster, it had a decidedly un-blockbuster-ish ending, probably because it was based on a novel. Rhett Butler famously tells Scarlett O'Hara that he doesn't give a damn what she does, while she tearfully begs him not to leave her after treating him like shit for years. She doesn't know what to do, but then she gets that glint in her eyes again, declares she'll think of a way to get him back, and says a terrific mantra: "After all, tomorrow is another day!" And you'll know she'll get what she wants, because she always does. If GWTW had been made today, they'd probably be hard at work on a sequel, but here's a film that knew when to stop.
3. Annie Hall. Long story short: he doesn't get the girl. But it's okay. Alvy is at first hopelessly depressed after the breakup, but moves on with his life and recounts his final meeting with the titular Annie in a voiceover after the characters have left the screen. He makes peace with their relationship and says that it was great just to know her, and says that, like the man who refused to turn in his brother who thought himself to be a chicken, relationships are totally irrational, but we go through it because we "need the eggs."
4. The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Andy loses his virginity. Then he breaks out into a rousing version of the song "Aquarius," and the whole cast joins him. Illogical, and perfect.
5. *The Apartment. Fran runs away from the man that causes her constant unhappiness, and heads for the apartment of nice guy Baxter, who has given up all hopes of being with her. Eschewing the traditional seal-with-a-kiss, though, that brilliant bastard Billy Wilder has Fran insist, over Baxter's "wtf-are-you-doing-here / omg I love you" exclamations, that they finish a gin rummy game they began weeks ago. The last line of the film is Fran saying "Shut up and deal" (the cards).
6. *Little Miss Sunshine. Over the course of their road trip to Olive's little-girl beauty pageant, every member of her crew has had something horrible happen to them: her parents' relationship gets worse, her brother realizes he can't become a pilot, her uncle is generally miserable, and her grandpa dies of a drug overdose. And when Olive begins her racy dance for the talent portion, her family realizes that something horrible could happen to her too. So they all jump onstage and dance with her, letting go of all their problems and issues with each other. It's hilarious, but touching. The family gets banned from attending any more pageants, but they drive away looking content.
7. Casablanca. Of course. Rick lets Ilsa leave on the plane OMG SACRIFICE. But he gets Claude Rains as a consolation prize, which is pretty cool.
8. *The Squid and the Whale. Some people say this ending is pretentious; I disagree. I absolutely love this movie because it's pretty much the exact story of my life in terms of my parents' divorce, but it's also hilarious and well-written. One of the major themes is the story of older brother Walt's "redemption" - that is, coming to terms with his identity post-divorce and forgiving his mother. The title refers to the exhibit he would visit with his mother at the Museum of Natural History, which he would always be afraid to look at. So the ending consists of Walt running epically to the museum and staring at it, to the beat of the awesome "Street Hassle" by Lou Reed. It's a minimalist way of saying that everything is gonna be alright.
9. *Lost in Translation. Bob and Charlotte form a special connection in Tokyo, despite their significant others. When it comes time for them to leave, they kiss, hug, and part ways forever. Bob also whispers something in Charlotte's ear, which is impossible to hear, but was actually recently revealed to most likely be, "I love you. Don't forget to always tell the truth." Allegedly, the kiss was also improvised in the heat of the moment while filming. Those two bits of trivia, discovered just now on IMDB, make this ending even better.
10. The Great Dictator. A satire of WWII before it even really happened? Charlie Chaplin was always cutting edge. And true to form, this movie provides plenty of laughs. But it gets serious at the end. Having been mistaken for dictator Adenoid Hynkel (also played by Chaplin), the unnamed Jewish barber takes the opportunity in front of a microphone to deliver an eloquent 10-minute speech about how men have to love and respect each other. I can't do it justice - the whole speech can be read here. He ends this address, being broadcast on the radio, with a personal message to his companion Hannah, telling her literally and figuratively to "look up." If it seems like a random ending, know that Chaplin in real life was a big pacifist whose liberal leanings did not sit well with the government. It suits the film, and also has a Big Message.

Thoughts on the new AFI Top 100

The American Film Institute's list of the top 100 American movies of all time is a big deal to me, probably a bigger deal than it should be. I periodically count how many on the list I've seen, and taking into account the absolute subjectivity of any type of list, I respect it as one of the more authoritative lists out there. The original list was compiled in 1997/8, and they've just released a revamped edition for the new milennium, which is available here. Reading this new list caused me, at various intervals, to literally scream with joy, anger, or shock. Mostly though, I prefer the old list. Here are my thoughts.

Things that make me happy

- Singin' in the Rain moved up five spots, from 10 to 5. Nice.

- There were some overdue and previously overlooked additions, such as Cabaret, 12 Angry Men, and In the Heat of the Night.

- Crash was not added, as threatened.

Things that make me unhappy

- Prior to this new list, I read the list of the 400 nominees they were considering, available here. In addition to the usual suspects, there were a bunch of old movies deemed worth reconsidering, plus movies released since the first list. Of the newcomers, I knew they would add at least one Lord of the Rings movie, which they did. I was praying for them to add Rushmore, which they didn't. There were several other very respectable candidates, such as A Beautiful Mind, Lost in Translation, Mystic River, and Saving Private Ryan (which was added). But do you know what were the only other newbies to get added? TITANIC and THE FUCKING SIXTH SENSE. I will deal with each of these separately.

- The Sixth Sense. You see dead people. We get it. This movie gave the world some thrills and chills, and Haley Joel Osment. But these are the greatest American movies EVAR. Over half a century after Gone With the Wind, people still quote "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn" - will people really be saying "I see dead people" in 68 years? A good genre piece it may be, a legendary classic it is not. Another thing that made me angry: in the corresponding TV special for this list, Stephen Spielberg said, "Psycho was the original Sixth Sense," which in addition to being blasphemous is just illogical. Just because they're both suspenseful? I don't walk around saying that Some Like It Hot is the original Norbit just because they're both comedies!

- Titanic. This film was significant for three reasons: it was inexplicably nominated for a shitload of Oscars, it won Leonardo DiCaprio a shitload of fans, and it made a shitload of money worldwide. But seriously guys, this movie is SOOOO CHEESY. It was a sensation at the time, but can anyone watch this now without a healthy sense of irony? Who still cries when Jack dies, instead of laughs? There are other cheesy movies on the list too, such as Jaws. But Jaws has two key things to augment its cheesiness: a sense of humor, and the nostalgia factor. Titanic is just a bloated joke that has been deservedly forgotten (until now).
- Some of the films that dropped off the list are absolutely criminal: Rebel Without a Cause is a brilliant piece of cinema that made a star out of James Dean and brought teenage angst to light as a real issue; An American in Paris is beautiful, fun, and revolutionized the American musical; Fantasia changed animation forever; From Here to Eternity is a star-studded and Oscar-laden epic that brought up deep questions about morality and war. But the worst omission this time around is Birth of a Nation. It could be included for historical and social influence alone, but it is also a technically and cinematically amazing masterpiece. Maybe Griffiths' battle scenes don't stand up to modern-day ones, and the acting methods seem overwrought compared to the nuanced methods favored today, but for the time, this stuff was incredible, and still packs a punch.

Things that just completely baffle me

- The AFI's sudden and inexplicable boner for Westerns. Most notable is The Searchers' jump from 96 to 12, but Shane, High Noon and Unforgiven also had big jumps. This is pretty random, considering that there's no apparent Western revival now or anything.

- Why did some things move up or down one or two spots? That's just silly.
- I noticed that a lot of the films that dropped off the list deal with "big issues": Guess Who's Coming To Dinner tackles interracial romance, The Manchurian Candidate deals with government brainwashing, Birth of a Nation is still controversial for its racism, From Here to Eternity and All Quiet on the Western Front paint decidedly unglamorous depictions of war, Rebel Without a Cause legitimizes teen problems, etc. A lot of a new additions can be considered "safe" by comparison.
- Sullivan's Travels added? Weird.

Another impact this new list will have on my life is the necessary reorganization of our AFI Top 100 section at the video store where I work. And they're all numbered - grunt. Wish me luck.

The One Flaw of Woody Allen Movies

Woody Allen is a genius. From the urbane neurotic wit of Annie Hall to the madcap hilarity of Bananas, the man knows how to make a good movie. But in my further exploration of his work recently, I'm beginning to notice a strange trend: people don't respond to his jokes. In any of his movies in which he stars, about fifty percent of what his character says consists of hilarious one-liners probably relating to Judaism, his childhood, or Freud. Often, they don't really relate to what the character talking to him just said, or he clearly twists his answer to get in a joke. I don't have a problem with that. What baffles me is that all of these clever one-liners just fall flat and evaporate unnoticed by all other characters. In Manhattan Murder Mystery, for example, Allen's character says to his wife, "I can't listen to that much Wagner, you know. I start to get the urge to conquer Poland." After that line, it cuts to another scene. Later, he confronts his wife about her snooping around in the neighbor's apartment, and says, "Save a little craziness for menopause!" Someone would probably either be offended by that statement, or laugh because it's funny. But his wife just keeps talking about how easy it was to get into the apartment, ignoring her husband's comment. In Annie Hall, discussing a documentary about the Nazis, Annie wonders aloud how she would hold up under torture. Alvy (Allen) blurts out, "You, you kidding? If the Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell em everything." Again, Annie would probably either laugh or be offended, but she just keeps talking about Nazis like he didn't say anything. And in Sleeper, Allen gets asked to lead a government revolution by some scientists, but he has this tangent about how he's not a leader type, got beaten up by Quakers, and screams a lot. As usual, the scientists ignore all his jokes, but they also blatantly wait patiently for him to end his little routine so they can go back to being urgent. I know that cinema is not real and dialogue is not always designed to echo real life, but Allen is doing himself - and his comedy - a disservice when he writes like this. It takes me out of the movie, and makes everything he says sound like standup that no one is listening to, or that both characters are just talking to walls. So I implore you, Woody...please let other characters respond and react to you!

Movie Linxxx

Some movie-related links that are tickling my fancy these days:

- The folks over at Something Awful took it upon themselves to take some movie posters and photoshop them into grindhouse-style movie posters. Awesome.

- "Five things you can't say in Hollywood," according to an Esquire writer. Very interesting and provocative.

- Apparently, people in the UK lie about seeing movies that they haven't seen and "name-drop" notable films that they have. Something tells me that this happens in the US too.

- Also on the subject of our friends across the ocean, British women confess to having seen Dirty Dancing an average of 15 TIMES!! See what else tops the Brits' most-watched list here.

- If you are not familiar with the Angry Alien site already (angryalien.com), you should go and watch ALL of their 30-second reenactments of popular movies done by animated bunnies. I've seen them all and their latest, March of the Penguins, is a favorite, because it's a movie consisting entirely of an animal that is nothing like a bunny. And it's narrated by "Morgan FreeBun." Nice.

- And finally, a really cool movie-themed t-shirt. Just so nobody gets mad at me, I'm telling you now: it's a really well-designed shirt that contains spoilers for the endings of about 20 different popular movies. It would either make you the most popular or the most hated person at a party.

Top 5 Bitches in Movies

I take the word "bitch" very seriously. I believe that it is overused to describe feisty women who get what they want. But there are real bitches out there...women who are really mean and catty, but also pack the dangerous punch of smarts and cunning. (I'm ashamed to admit that I was friends with some in high school). You'll notice my old-movie bias, because I don't think that they make on-screen bitches like they used to. They can't just be mean - they have to be smarts and substance. A good cinematic bitch is great to watch, as demonstrated by the fact that two of the movies on my list won the Best Picture Oscar, and another was nominated. On that note, here are my top 5 biggest bitches in movies, in no particular order:

1. Regina George in Mean Girls.
Type: Classic high school bitch.
Portrayed by Rachel McAdams, she is the personification of the blonde, power-hungry alpha female. Her nastiness knows no bounds, from snide comments behind people's backs, to a "burn book" saying horrible things about everyone in school. She comes around in the end, however, channeling her aggression into sports.
Quote: "Do you know what everyone says about you behind your back? Hmm? They say that you're a homeschooled jungle freak, that's a less hot version of me!"
2. Eve Harrington in All About Eve.
Type: Bitch in disguise.
Here's your typical bitch-playing-innocent routine. She starts out the film as a naive girl worshipping actress Margo Channing, and then uses cunning and manipulation to claim Margo's career - and man - for herself. Anne Baxter's slimy and sickly sweet portrayal churns your stomach.
Quote: It's too long to put in here, but she makes up a ridiculous sob story about her rough past so that Margo will pity and accept her.
3. Mrs. Danvers in Rebecca.
Type: Eerie matronly Hitchcock bitch.
Mrs. Danvers (Judith Anderson) was a fan of her employer's deceased wife, Rebecca. She is not a fan of his new wife, a sentiment she makes clear by repeatedly suggesting that the new Mrs. de Winter commit suicide. Oh, and then she goes apeshit and burns down the house. Fun fact: Hitchcock said that the costumes for this character were designed so that she would always appear to be floating over the ground instead of walking, making her even creepier.
Quote: (next to an open window) "Go ahead. Jump. He never loved you, so why go on living? Jump and it will all be over..."
4. Basically the entire cast of The Women.
Type: Catty, gossipy bitches.
This is the film that my gay coworker Davy, a veritable conoisseur of bitchy movies, called "too much for me." It's hard to select just one bitch from it, although the protagonist Mary Haines is largely exempt. Main bitches include Sylvia Fowler (Rosalind Russell, delightful to watch as she ruins reputations), Miriam Aarons (Paulette Goddard), and Crystal Allen (Joan Crawford), all guilty of some serious adultery, man-snatching, and talking behind people's backs. At the end, Mary realizes that she has to beat them all at their own game, in a triumphant scene at a party where she exposes everyone's secrets to each other.
Quote: (Crystal Allen): "There is a name for you, ladies, but it isn't used in high society... outside of a kennel."
5. Veda Pierce in Mildred Pierce.
Type: Ungrateful, spiteful, teenage bitch.
Watching this movie, I wanted to jump into the screen and punch Veda (played by Ann Blyth, who earned an Oscar nomination) in the face. She plays the daughter of the titular Mildred, a working-class woman who works her working-class ass off to give her daughter all the luxuries she wants, but to Veda, it's never enough. She is always embarassed by the fact that her mother works, and is always acts like her mother leaves her needs unfulfilled. Oh, and then she steals her mother's old husband so that she can give him the life she wants. Karma kicks her ass in the end, though.
Quote: (to her mother) "You think just because you made a little money you can get a new hairdo and some expensive clothes and turn yourself into a lady. But you can't, because you'll never be anything but a common frump!"

Honorable mentions:

- Hilary Faye (Mandy Moore) in Saved!
I excluded her because the character of Hilary Faye gets into the slippery slope of people who are psychotic bitches because of religion. They often don't understand that being a bitch for religion is wrong, whereas the other lovely ladies on this list are most certainly aware that their behavior is not exactly angelic. That said, she has some awesome bitch moments, like when she violently hurls a Bible at Mary (Jena Malone) and screams, "I am SO full of Christ love!!"
- Mary Tilford (Karen Balkin) in The Children's Hour
More of a bitchlette, since she's about 11 or so. She couldn't anticipate the consequences of the lie she tells to avoid going back to school. However, she most certainly knows what she's doing when she manipulates her poor classmate Rosalie into lying for her, by saying that the police are hot on the trail of a missing bracelet that Rosalie took from another girl. And her eyes bug out and she's really intense, even for an 11-year old.

Top 5 Most Memorable Sex Scenes

Ah, cinematic sex scenes. Usually they're totally sensationalist and unnecessary, and for a while led me to believe that perfectly timed mood music would pump out of the sky during sex. (Not so, it turns out.) But every once in a while, a sex scene comes along that not only enhances the movie, but stands on its own as a legitimate scene. Here are my top 5 (again, I feel it is only fair to just address movies I have actually seen).

In no particular order:

1. American Pie - the sex scene between Vicky (Tara Reid) and Kevin (Thomas Ian Nicholas). Now I saw this movie a long time ago, and not even in its entirety. Amid all its teen sex romp hijinks, though, is a brutal and rare piece of cinematic truth. Vicky and Kevin are the nice guy and girl, respectively. They are losing their virginity to each other at an after-prom party. The remarkable thing about this scene is, it's AWKWARD. Vicky keeps eliciting little moans of discomfort, and at one point reprimands Kevin for squishing her hair. There's no mood music. It's beautifully awkward.
2. Annie Hall - when Annie and Alvy are having sex and Annie is emotionally absent from the experience, as represented by her translucent ghostlike conscious sitting in the corner. Clever and poignant.
3. The 40-Year-Old Virgin - Andy's (Steve Carrell's) triumphant first time. He has married his true love, Trish, and they go into a hotel room to seal the deal. After violently screaming at the cleaning guy to get out, they begin, and Trish declares "you're officially not a virgin anymore." Then a black screen flashes the words "1 minute later," with Andy looking wide-eyed and ecstatic. They do it again, and again, and then the whole cast bursts into a glorious rendition of "Aquarius." Hilarious.
4. Titanic - Jack and Rose doin it in the car of the sinking ship. Hey, I said memorable, not good, and this one is pretty cheesy. Although fucking on a sinking boat is pretty sexy in an apocalyptic kinda way. And admit it, the image of the hand sliding down the steamed-up window of the car stuck with you.
5. Atame (Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!) Of course there's an Almodovar movie in here. His approach to cinematic sex is always fresh and innovative, but I chose to include this particular film. It's the infamous sex scene between Ricky and Marina, which helped bring about the NC-17 rating (the film was previously slapped with an X rating). There's nothing perverse or weird here, it's just two people having sex in a bed. According to IMDB, the scene took nine takes and nine hours to get right, and Almodovar used the last take because the actors had by then worked themselves up into a realistic sweat. Veteran director Elia Kazan called it "one of the best sex scenes he had ever witnessed." I agree.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

The Graduate - the first intimate encounter of Benjamin and Mrs. Robinson. I didn't include it on the list because technically they are not shown doing the actual deed, but the interaction directly beforehand is just brilliant and delicious. He admits he's a virgin, and there's an eerily Oedipal dynamic between the motherly and the naive. The dialogue is great - Mrs. Robinson announces that she is going to get undressed, and Benjamin asks what he should do. "Why don't you watch?" she says. "Oh - sure," he says, "Thank you."

Thank You For Smoking - Heather (Katie Holmes) and Nick (Aaron Eckhart) are starting to fool around on his bed, and media coverage of him comes on the tube. Heather declares lustily, "I want to fuck you while I watch you on TV."

Factory Girl - Okay, I haven't seen this movie. But I am including it because apparently the sex scene is mind-bogglingly realistic. (I tried to find the scene on YouTube - no luck).

Trailer Mashups

What I intended to be a top 5 list has spiraled out of control. I am loving this new trend of trailer mashups all over YouTube, that either combine or re-edit movie trailers to give them a totally different meaning. So in no particular order, here are some of my faves right now!

- Brokeback to the Future - of course. One of the forerunners of the "genre."

- Must Love Jaws

- Hard Day's Night of the Living Dead

- 8 1/2 Mile - ultimate fusion of highbrow and lowbrow.

- 10 Things I Hate About Commandments - oh, that Charlton Heston!

- Tom Hanks is James Bond - brilliant. I can't fathom how many hours of footage they had to sift through to make this.

- Toy Story: Requiem - Pixar's dark side?

- X-Men 3 and Office Space

- Donnie Madison - a blow to emo kids everywhere.

- X3: The Last Standing Ovation - I know this is the third one on the list created by Chocolate Cake City, but those guys just know how to bring the funny.

- Simian City

- The Last Lion King of Scotland

- How Scarface Got His Groove Back

- Citizen Kane: Tha Remix

- Incredible Beauty

Ultimate Party Mix

For my mother's upcoming 50th birthday party, my aunt decided to break out the big guns and have PARTY MUSIC. I was thus given the task of constructing a four-hour playlist that would appeal to people ranging in age from 11 to 76.

I think I have succeeded.

This is the ultimate party mix, people. You can use it for all kids, teenagers, old people, middle-aged people, or any combination. I went for a three-pronged attack of jazz/swing, motown, and old-school acoustic rock. I should probably market and sell CDs of this and make a bazillion dollars, but until that day comes, I'm giving it away for free. Even if you're not having a party, this is just damn good music.

ULTIMATE PARTY MIX

A Hard Day's Night - The Beatles
I Get By with a Little Help From My Friends - The Beatles
All You Need is Love - The Beatles
Come Together - The Beatles
Help! - The Beatles
Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds - The Beatles
Get Back - The Beatles
Love Me Do - The Beatles
Got to Get You Into My Life - The Beatles
I Saw Her Standing There - The Beatles
Lady Madonna - The Beatles
Day Tripper - The Beatles
Can't Buy Me Love - The Beatles
All My Loving - The Beatles
Maybe I'm Amazed - Paul McCartney
Louie Louie - Richard Berry and the Pharoahs
What I'm Looking For - Brendan Benson
Cold Hands Warm Heart - Brendan Benson
Fire - Jimi Hendrix
Theme from Anatomy of a Murder - Duke Ellington
The Feeling of Jazz - Duke Ellington and John Coltrane
Never Can Say Goodbye - Jackson 5
ABC - Jackson 5
I Want You Back - Jackson 5
Stop! The Love You Save - Jackson 5
Magic Carpet Ride - Steppenwolf
Sing Sing Sing - Louis Prima
King of the Road - Dean Martin
Don't Wait Too Long - Madeleine Peyroux
Bongo Rock - Incredible Bongo Band
Brazil - Django Reinhardt
Django's Blues - Django Reinhardt
Grazing in the Grass - Hugh Masekela
Witchcraft - Frank Sinatra
I've Got You Under my Skin - Frank Sinatra
I Won't Dance - Frank Sinatra
Fly Me to the Moon - Frank Sinatra
They Can't Take That Away From Me - Frank Sinatra and Natalie Cole
You're Nobody Til Somebody Loves You - Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr.
Who Knows - Marion Black
September - Earth, Wind, and Fire
Shining Star - Earth, Wind, and Fire
Beautiful Things - Bobby Darrin
Beyond the Sea - Bobby Darrin
Into My Soul - Gabin and Dee Dee Bridgewater
In the Mood - Glenn Miller Orchestra
Moonlight Serenade - Glenn Miller Orchestra
It Don't Mean a Thing - Glenn Miller Orchestra
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps - Cake
Take Five - Miles Davis
This is Jazz - Miles Davis
Spanish Key - Miles Davis
Blue Monk - Miles Davis and Thelonius Monk
Bring It On Home to Me - David Elliot
History Repeating - Propellerheads
Come On-a My House - Rosemary Clooney
Straighten Up and Fly Right - Nat King Cole
I've Got Rhythm - Benny Goodman
I am a Rock - Simon and Garfunkel
Cecilia - Simon and Garfunkel
Hazy Shade of Winter - Simon and Garfunkel
Mrs. Robinson - Simon and Garfunkel
It's Your Thing - The Isley Brothers
Hound Dog - Elvis
Higher Ground - Stevie Wonder
Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing - Stevie Wonder
Golden Lady - Stevie Wonder
For Once in My Life - Stevie Wonder
I Was Made to Love Her - Stevie Wonder
My Cherie Amour - Stevie Wonder
Signed, Sealed, Delivered - Stevie Wonder
Superstar - The Temptations
I Can't Get Next to You - The Temptations
Move on Up - Curtis Mayfield
Black Magic Woman - Santana
Chained - Marvin Gaye
Got to Give It Up - Marvin Gaye
Heard It Through the Grapevine - Marvin Gaye
Heard It Through the Grapevine - Gladys Knight and the Pips (sounds totally different from original)

Enjoy!

Craigslist Fun!

Craigslist can be a useful tool, for finding things such as apartments and jobs. It can also be bizarre and supremely entertaining. Here, I share with you some of the treats that can be found on this wonderful site on any given day.

- Need some extra money, ladies? Maybe you should give this stud a call.

- I know guys like sports and naked women, but I have rarely seen the two combined in such an innovative fashion as this.

- Why do Harvard students always get such incredible opportunities?

- In the "Lost and Found" section...nice.

- A hilarious entry from Toronto ... sounds like something out of a movie.

- If you're in the Chicago area, I would recommend taking this guy up on his offer.

- Usually anything involving turtles is funny, but this is above and beyond.

- This one left me speechless. I don't know how to respond.

- All the bagpipe jokes you'll ever need.

- Alas. Too little, too late.

- Bad dog!

- How nice of this fellow to share this life milestone with the world.

- A tough decision.

- Spam haikus! Yes!

- Ouch!

I could go on forever, but I'll stop here. I do, however, encourage you to find your own Craigslist fun!

Men, Women, and Movie-Watching

I found this to be interesting. From Cosmo magazine:

"We all have favorite films, but there's a reason your guy is never bored by his DVD library. 'Men have lower activity level in their brains when they take in a movie, so they can watch them over and over,' says brain-imaging specialist Daniel Amen, MD, author of Sex on the Brain. 'Women, on the other hand, have busier brains and need more depth or relational aspects to be engaged by a film.' So while guys are just as entertained no matter how many times they see Bruce Willis save the day or Will Ferrell in his underpants, the novelty usually wears off for chicks after one viewing. When women see a movie twice, it's because the flick hit them on an emotional level, not just as a two-hour diversion."

Worst Movies of All Time

The good folks over at Rotten Tomatoes have compiled a list of their 100 lowest-rated movies. I am a loser, so I looked at all of them. (In my defense, you can't skip ahead to number one). I think you'll find number one, coming in with a cumulative rating of 0% good, to be a surprise - not because it's not bad, but it's not as famous for being bad as, say, Gigli. Also interesting is that the earliest movie on the list is from 1998. I attribute this to nostalgia - once you get back to about the 80s, it's like "Well, the movie was ridiculous, but the fashion and music were fun, totally 80s." And the nostalgia obviously just grows from there - no one's gonna be too harsh on a movie from the 50s. Anyway, the list is here:

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/features/special/2007/wotw/

Do-It-Yourself Inspirational Sports Movie

I am so sick of all the inspirational sports movies they are cranking out by the minute these days. So formulaic and redundant. It seems anyone could do it...hey...

Do-It-Yourself Inspirational Sports Movie Plot!

Directions: Pick one each from column A, B, and C, then fill in your choices in the corresponding places.


A
prison inmates
troubled youth
African-Americans
mentally handicapped
senior citizens
orphans
monkeys

B
football
basketball
swimming
baseball
hockey
track and field
figure skating
luge

C
recovering alcoholic
former champion
normal person
minority
woman
tough guy with a heart of gold
ex-con
midget

"Coming to theaters this summer! The inspiring tale of a ragtag team of (A), breaking into the sport of (B) which previously had been universally inaccessible to (A), as coached by a (C). Based on a true story!!"

Honestly, any combo you create could be coming to theaters soon.